Say it ain't so

Say it ain't so

Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

There have been moments in my life where I've been stunned beyond belief.

September 11th. 

The JFK assassination. 

The first time I didn't have to pay a woman for sex. Last week.

But in all my 41 years when I've been shocked, amazed or astounded by something in the world, the most remarkable one of all came last week.

It was an announcement so powerful…so unexpected in nature…so out-of-leftfield-you've-got-to-be-kidding-me, that I'm still not sure I've fully recovered from hearing those words…those incredible words for the first time:

Rosie O'Donnell is gay.

Excuse me? She's what?




Rosie O'Donnell is gay.

This has got to be a joke, right? There is no way on earth that Rosie O'Donnell could be gay. 

She's too much of a man to be gay. 

Rosie O'Donnell is gay.

My goodness, I had no idea.

When I first heard that Rosie was gay, the news took my breath away. 

Almost as if Rosie herself was sitting on me.

When I first heard that Rosie was gay, the news hit me like a ton a bricks. 

Almost as if Rosie had smacked me in the face with her fat, floppy boobs.

When I first heard that Rosie was gay, I thought, "My dear lord, this is big."

And yes, I was talking about her thighs.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever look at Rosie and think, "Y'know, I really think this humongous, obese woman who sounds exactly like a Brooklyn cab driver could be a humongous, obese lesbian."

Friends, to me, this is shocking, shocking news.

In fact, of all the things I've discovered that have shocked me in my life, this would definitely be up there with some of the biggest.

The Top Five Thing I've Discovered In My Life That Have Shocked Me:

1. Tuesday comes after Monday. Every week. Like clockwork.

2. Breathing is important.

3. Lint is nothing more than fuzzy dirt.

4. While a couple of funny lines may get a woman in bed, a small penis makes the jokes a lot less funny.

5. Rosie O'Donnell is gay.

Jesus Christ.

The thing is, though, as much as I'm taken aback by her profound declaration, still, there's a part of me that admired her ability to keep this news from the world. 

At least the part of world that hasn't seen her cellulite-covered ass.

Who could have possibly known? How could anyone have ever seen this coming? 

I certainly had no idea.

I mean, sure, she's single and 40 and she looks like a Brahma bull and she was never seen out with a man and she's never been linked to anyone romantically, and her best friends are k.d. lang, Melissa Etheridge and Ellen DeGeneres, and the last time Pamela Anderson was on her show, Rosie tried to lick Pamela's anus, but I dunno, it just never occurred to me that she might be a lesbian.

Maybe I'm just not that bright. 

I just figured, hey, when you're really into you job, your children and eating massive quantities of Ho-Ho's, who has time to find a man?

Rosie O'Donnell is gay.

My head is still reeling from this news.

I guess if I looked back though, the signs were there, weren't they?

I mean, last week when I turned on the Rosie show and she was wearing a strap-on and she was standing next to a cardboard cutout of Jennifer Lopez that appeared to have been violated, I thought it might've been a little odd. But still, I didn't think much of it.

But that's me. I'm very naïve in a lot of ways.

Two weeks ago when I picked up a copy of her magazine, Rosie, and one of the stories was titled, "Eating at the Y," I first thought it was an article about enjoying a healthy meal at the gym. But after I saw those pictures, yeesh, now I'm not so sure.

Rosie O'Donnell is gay.

This is amazing to me. 

The truth is, when I first heard that Rosie had come out of the closet, my first reaction was, "Well, that must be where she hides the frozen pizzas." Then I thought, "Omigod, that must be a pretty big freaking closet." But then when I realized what they were really talking about, I was flabbergasted.

I mean, flubbergasted.

Obviously, when this news broke, Rosie was all over TV. 

And when I say all over, I mean her chin filled all 35" of my television.

One interviewer asked Rosie when she knew when she was a lesbian.

Rosie said, "Well, I was 18. I was driving my car and all of sudden it hit me like, duh, I'm a lesbian."

I think they must've edited the show, because I'm pretty sure part of what she was trying to say was missing.

I think what Rosie was trying to say was:

"Well, I was 18. I was driving in my car and all of sudden it hit me like, duh, I'm a lesbian.

"Also, I had another woman's left nipple in my mouth."

I have to be honest with you -- I find myself quite distraught over this whole thing. How could Rosie do this to me? How could she have tricked me for so long? How could she have fooled me and then turn me on my head?

For crying out loud, she told me for years that she had a huge crush on Tom Cruise. 

I now have reason to believe she didn't really have a crush on Tom Cruise. Although if she sat on Tom Cruise, she certainly would've crushed Tom Cruise.

When Rosie told me she was in love with Tom Cruise, I thought, "This is so cute that my favorite female TV talk show host has a thing for America's dream guy." I also thought, "My god, I bet that woman takes three huge craps a day."

It's funny, all this time I just thought Rosie was waiting for the right man.

It turns out I was right. And her name is Butch.

Gosh, I don't know what to think anymore. Just when I was so sure I had things figured out, something like this comes along and slaps me in the face.

Yes, I've been bitch slapped by America's big, tubby, ugly lesbian sweetheart.

America loves Rosie. And if you're a woman, Rosie loves you back. More than you'll ever know.

Rosie O'Donnell is gay.

Friends, do you know what the most disturbing part of this is to me? 

I saw pictures of Rosie's "partner" last week. Well, Rosie's girlfriend actually looks kinda cute. And as it turns out, she used to be a ballerina. 

This, friends, is horrific, horrific news. Terrible news.

You see, I also have a thing for cute ballerinas.

Do you understand what this means, friends?

Rosie O'Donnell and I have the same taste in women. 

And while I'm almost certain this doesn't mean I'm a lesbian, it does appear to mean bleak days ahead for yours truly.

The fact is, I've never been the kind of guy who does well with women.

I don't know. Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the ears. 

Maybe it's the wife.

Whatever it is, I've always seemed to struggle with the opposite sex.

I ask you, what chance do I have now that Rosie is pursuing the same girls I am?

"Hmmm, let's see. Do I take the fat balding guy with hair on his back, or do I take the rich and famous lesbian TV talk show host with hair on her back?"

The more I've been reading about Rosie's revelation, I'm getting the distinct impression that a lot of people knew she was a lesbian, but until she said it, nobody talked about it and it didn't really count -- because she hadn't said it out loud.

Hey, how come my world doesn't work like that? 

I've gotta be honest with you, it sure would make my life a whole lot easier if I knew that as long as I didn't say something, it wasn't true. Whether it was or not.


So I found this piece of paper with the name "Candy" on it and a phone number in his pocket. And under it was written, "Call me again soon. $150 and hour. Love, Candy. P.S. I've never had that done to me before!" Then I found a pair of women's panties in his coat pocket that weren't mine. 


You're kidding. So what are you going to do about it?


I don't know. The thing is, though, I asked him about it. And he just looked at me, said nothing and then he walked away.


Well, as long as he didn't said anything about it, I don't think there's anything to worry about.


Yeah, I guess you're right. Hey, wanna go out for lunch?

Whodathunkit? Rosie O'Donnell is gay.

As much as I've come to accept this dramatic news as fact, I've been such a devoted follower of Rosie for so long that it hurts me to call her a lesbian. 

I just feel like we've been through so much together and a word like that is so....I don't know, impersonal.

So I'm not going to call Rosie a lesbian. 

I will, though, call her an amy-john-beaver eater-boon dagger-bull-bull dagger-bull dyke- butch-carpet munching-diesel dyke-fairy lady-femme-fluff-gal boy-jasper-lady-lesbo-lesbyterian-lezzie-lezzo-lover under the lap-margie-mintle-rug eater-sappho-split tail lover-tootsie-top sergeant.

Actually, I tried to be a split tail lover once, but I couldn't walk for a week afterward.

Rosie O'Donnell is gay.

As the news about Rosie came out, I talked to my friend Brent who is an expert on lesbians. He was even more surprised than I was.

"Believe me, I've seen a lot of lesbians in my day," he said. "Well, not live. On tape. But still, y'know, I've got a pretty good idea of what it takes to be a gay woman. At least on video. And believe me, she ain't it."

People have been saying that Rosie is brave for doing what she's doing. 

For coming out. For generating attention for her sexuality. For championing the gay cause.

Personally, I think her partner is the brave one. 

Don't you think it would take a lot of guts to bury your head into parts unknown on Rosie?

Rosie O'Donnell is gay.

Jeez Louise, I had no freaking idea. 

The next thing I know, somebody's probably going to tell me that Richard Simmons is a homo.

If you're trying to reach men in their 20s and 30s, or you're trying to reach male readers who have a great sense of humor,'s Humor Channel can be an excellent resource. We offer text link ads and banners of all sizes. Our traffic has grown to more than 60 million page views and 4.5 million unique visitors per month! Contact us and we'll help you meet your advertising needs.