Interview with an old man

Interview with an old man

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ME: Hi.

ME: Hey.

ME: Thanks for talking to me today.

ME: No problem. I do it all the time.

ME: Hey, I like your shirt. 

ME: I like yours, too…hey, that's funny! We've got the same shirt on.

ME: So tell me, Me, exactly how old are you now?

ME: I'm 40. This week, actually.

ME: Happy birthday.

ME: Gracias.

ME: De nada.

ME: I didn't know you spoke Spanish.

ME: Yes you did.

ME: So now that you're the Big Four-Oh…is it true? Is turning 40 that life-changing monumental event that everyone says it is?

ME: Well, it's only been a couple of days, but the one thing I've definitely noticed is that there's a fundamental shift in my connectivity with my spiritual being. That, and my pubic hair is almost totally gray.

ME: So…do you feel old?

ME: Oh, I don't know. The word "old" is so open-ended. I need you to be more specific. Are you asking if I feel old physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? 

ME: OK, all of those.

ME: Yes.

ME: I have to think that emotional bridge you cross as you leave your 30s and head into the last half of your life has to be significant.

ME: Y'know, I'd love to chat some more, but if you'll excuse me. I have to go and raise a gun to my temple.

ME: I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make this whole thing sound too negative. But you have to admit that in the grand scheme of things, you're definitely on the downslide. I mean, hasn't all the fun passed you by?

ME: Au contraire, you Mike Wallace wannabe. Youth is vastly overrated. It's not fun. Youth is pressure. All that finding yourself crap. Establishing a career. Sex. It's like there's a giant master checklist of the things you need to get done. And that's all you're supposed to care about. I'm way past that stage of my life. Now I couldn't care less about finding myself. I stopped worrying about my career years ago. And sex? Well, OK. So I'm way passed two out of three things.

ME: If it's OK with you, I'd like to spend a little time reflecting on the past forty years and what lessons you've learned. If any.

ME: I don't learn lessons. I'm a guy. 

ME: Describe your first sexual experience.

ME: I was 11 and I had that poster of Farrah in that red bathing suit in my room and the way she was looking at me it was so obvious that she wanted to take our relationship to the next level. So I did.

ME: I meant "with a woman," but that'll do.

ME: You were there. You know the look I'm talking about.

ME: Yes I was and yes I do. So are there any other moments from your childhood that really stand out?

ME: When I was nine, my parents sent me away to fat camp for the summer to lose weight. Nine years old. Gone for two months. Thanks, mom and dad. Anyway, there was another kid in our cabin -- I think his name was Brian -- who was the junior counselor's favorite camper. I was totally jealous. The two of them would wrestle. They'd pull each other's hair. They joked around. I hated it. I wanted to be the Golden Child. And I had a plan. You see, Brian was only going to be at camp for one month, which meant I had the junior counselor all to myself in Month Two. Well, I waited and waited and waited. Finally, at the end of the first month, I remember watching Brian pack up thinking, "Bye-bye, Mr. Ass Kisser Loser. He's all mine now." Well, Brian couldn't have been gone for more than 10 minutes when I spotted the junior counselor under a tree reading. This was my chance. I slowly walked up behind him, and just like I had seen Brian do a hundred times before, I jumped on his back and pulled his hair. He turned, looked at me and said: "Get off of me, you asshole! What the hell do you think you're doing pulling my hair, you pain in the ass little dickface!"

ME: What did you do?

ME: I walked away thinking, "Funny, I don't ever remember him saying that exact combination of words to Brian." 

ME: I find it interesting that of all your childhood memories, you chose to describe one that was so psychologically devastating.

ME: Well, aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?

ME: So what did you learn from that experience?

ME: I learned that I was kind of a loser.

ME: Wow. That's deep.

ME: Thanks. By the way, that was also the camp where I first heard the word "boner." There were a bunch of kids together and one kid said that he had "popped a boner." I didn't know what it meant, but everybody laughed so I laughed, too.

ME: So some kid was sportin' wood, eh?

ME: Huh?

ME: Never mind. Hey, let's play a game. I'm going to throw out a year and I'd like you to give me a memory.

ME: Go for it. 

ME: 1973.

ME: Well, O.J. Simpson, my favorite player on my hometown team, set the all-time NFL rushing record. Also, I can remember checking the box score everyday to see how my favorite baseball player, Johnny Bench, did.

ME: So your two favorite athletes turned out to be a murderer and an alleged gay man?

ME: Yes.

ME: 1977.

ME: I was tickling my sister. She fell off the bed, landed on my foot and broke my toe.

ME: 1981.

ME: I owed a bookie $5,000.

ME: 1982

ME: I got a mid-term college accounting test back with no grade on it. All the professor wrote at the top was, "I don't see how you can possibly pass this course."

ME: 1983.

ME: I had a party at my parent's house while they were out of town. Amazingly enough, I was actually making out with a girl in my bedroom. In the middle of sucking face, I got a bloody nose and bled all over her.

ME: 1984.

ME: I dropped out of law school.

ME: 1986.

ME: I got engaged and broke it off three months before the wedding.

ME: 1991.

ME: Scott Norwood. Wide right.

ME: 1992.

ME: Washington 37 - Buffalo 24.

ME: 1993.

ME: Dallas 52 - Buffalo 17.

ME: 1994.

ME: A doctor told me I had immature sperm. And Dallas 30 - Buffalo 13.

ME: 1998.

ME: I crapped my pants at work.

ME: 2000.

ME: I died my hair blond. 

ME: Um...y' really are a loser.

ME: Did you think I would lie about something like this?

ME: So do you anticipate having a mid-life crisis?

ME: Nah. I've been around too many guys who've gone through that. It's pretty pathetic. The car. The divorce. All that crap. That's not my style. To me, the number 40 doesn't mean anything. It's how old you act. And how old you feel. I have to be honest with you, I feel like I'm 20. 

ME: Really?

ME: Absolutely. And oddly enough, just like when I was 20, I find myself attracted to 18-year-old girls again. Just kidding, honey.

ME: No you're not.

ME: Yes, I am.

ME: Are not.

ME: Am to.

ME: Are not.

ME: Am to.

ME: Hey listen, I've really gotta go. Thanks for the time again today. And again, Happy 40th birthday.

ME: Thanks.

ME: By the way, if you don't mind me saying, you're incredibly handsome. 

ME: That's funny. I was thinking the same thing about you. 

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