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Lesbians....

Just saying the word puts a little extra skip in my step. What red-blooded, heterosexual male outside the Governors mansion in New Jersey hasn't dreamed of spending some quality time with a couple of 'em?

I have. And I'm sure you have.

Why do we have this fascination with lesbians? What is it about two women being intimate with each other that drives us so completely nuts that we would give our left one if that was the price we had to pay to be included in their reindeer games?

Its simple: they're like beer. Aren't two beers better than one? Of course. And lesbians, like beer, are one of lifes true pleasures to most males. Just look at the ones on this page. Two beautiful women kissing, caressing, licking (this is not a porn site, so I'll stop right there) each other, appreciating each others physical beauty...as they say about one of my favorite beers, "it doesn't get much better than that." I take one small gaze at this page and I can't stand up until Junior settles down a bit.

Just like beer, however, there are some good lesbians, average lesbians and just plain nasty lesbians.

Comparing lesbians to beer? How, you ask, can I possibly do that? Its easy. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the musings of a man who is about 45 days from being locked up in the mental wing of local hospital.

Let's start out with the top level of the Lesbian community - lipstick lesbians. They are comparable to the following beers: Hieneken, Amstel Light, Sam Adams, Asahi, Stella Artois, Anchor Steam.... Name the beer that you consider top of the line - something you drink and savor not only for the slight buzz you are receiving with each luscious sip, but for the taste and texture, the way the bottle feels in your hand, the way the beautiful wheat and barley-bred concoction smoothly slithers down your throat...you cant get higher than this level. Its the same way with lipstick lesbians. They are known to frequent the pages of Penthouse, late-night Cinemax and local clubs. They don't necessarily limit themselves to women only - they like us. In fact, they like us as much as they like other women. They are the Holy Grail of Lesbianism. If you can get in with them, consider yourself and your member two of the luckiest men on the face of the earth. Lipstick lesbians arent always true lesbians - they simply wanted to experiment, or they wanted to do something to make their boyfriends or husbands happy. They look like women - good-looking women. Just like excellent beer, they should be put on a pedestal and honored for their contributions to our pleasure throughout all these years.

Let's move on the second tier: Miller Lite, Budweiser, Coors...they do the job. You don't have a smile on your face when youre drinking one of them; youre slightly happy. But you drink these for a reason: you need a buzz. You don't buy them for their taste. You buy them because theyre cheap and they do the job - just like second tier lesbians. If you looked at one of them and didn't know they enjoyed touching other women in their most intimate of areas, you wouldn't spend much time thinking about the typical second-tier lesbian. On the other hand, if you somehow found out they liked hopping into the sack with other women, they instantly become a little bit more attractive and exciting to you, just as Miller Lite starts to taste pretty good and make you feel pretty good after youve downed a couple. For the most part, the second tier sticks with other women but every once in a while, they're known to secretly harbor an attraction to men, and they'll dance with you if youre lucky. Again, though, I caution: Alone, theyre not that great, but two second-tier lesbians in bed with you? As with more than one Budweiser, you're feeling just fine.

This brings us to the last, lowest level of Lesbians - the Bulldykes. They are the Natural Lights, the Schaeffers the Genesse Cream Ales of lesbians - if you're smart, you steer clear of them. Bulldykes have short hair, wear boys clothes and, not surprisingly, tend to look like pre-pubescent boys. Bad beer looks bad, tastes bad and leaves you feeling bitter, just like me whenever I see Rosie ODonnell. Bulldykes hate men, and the only thing that would bring a smile to their blockhead faces would be if they lived in a world totally devoid of men. The closest thing they come to being with a man is when they put on their strap on and act like one. I've always wondered this: if they like other women, why do they dress and act like men? Is this why they hate us so much? Because were what they secretly want to be?

Ahh...who knows.

Before I attempt to delve into the mind of a Bulldyke, I think I should take a look at my own mind, especially after spending time and space on this site comparing lesbians to beer.... Now, excuse me while I go out and pick up a case of Amstel Light and this month's issue of Penthouse.

~Shawn Griffin



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