There but for the grace of God goes Fox, who dares to air the series finale to one of their most successful shows in the shadow of "Lost," which was basically the biggest series finale since "Cheers." Man, do you remember the cast of "Cheers" on Leno's show after that last episode aired? They were smashed. Good times.

The "24" finale, however, was not good times.

The bad guys won. Allison had the video of Starbuck with the Russian. Mr. Blonde wiped his servers, so the backup copy of the video was gone. The recording of the conversation between I.M. Weasel and Suvarov, which Jack gave to Chloe, was confiscated by Dominic. Chloe and Buffy are looking at long stints in the slammer for treason. Jack is looking at either the death penalty or life in a deep dark hole somewhere halfway around the world, if he's lucky. Game over. Bad guys win.

Well, that's how this would have happened in the real world.

But not here. Instead, Jack, Chloe and Buffy are saved by a long-overdue crisis of conscience on the part of one Allison Taylor. One that, ideally, shouldn't have needed to happen in the first place - this is where frequent commenter Mr. Paulsen would make a crack about manufactured conflict, and he's not wrong - but there you are. That's a hell of a way to end your show about an ass-kicking counter-terrorist agent, with him being saved not by his wits but by someone else's guilty conscience. And by a hell of a way, I mean lame.

Jack should never have a passive role in how events unfold. He should have been at the center of it all, not on his knees getting a last-minute pardon. To his credit, at least he took his execution the way you would expect him to, by telling the guy to pull the damn trigger already. Still, being a fugitive should have been his choice. The exposing of the scandal should have been by his hand. Hell, he just whacked a small army of Russian goons, and it was one of the best episodes of the show in years. There should be a rule with the "24" staff to never, ever take the power out of his hands.

It was actually going well in the first hour. Jack finds that sweet location where he can take out Logan, and from there it all went wrong. Biting Dominic's ear off? Really? If I were in charge, I would have had Jack wound Suvarov in Logan's office at the very least, prompting Allison to sing like a canary not because her conscience is getting to her but because . The truth comes out, the peace treaty is killed, Logan is exposed as the puppet master, Allison's legacy is ruined, and Jack flees the country as a wanted but righteous man, becoming a folk hero in the process. Years from now, Kim will get a text message from an unknown number saying, "New Zealand is nice this time of year," or "Zihuatanejo."

I'd blame the limp-wristed ending on the producers' desire to maintain "24" as a viable movie property, but the strange thing is, this ending does not set up a potential "24" movie very well. How do you bring him back when both the Russian and US governments want to put him on trial for mass murder? Throw in the Chinese, and Jack is effectively banned from 60% of the world. Ah, well. It's over. As Marge Simpson once said, when Homer wasn't sure if a problem was properly resolved, "It's an ending. That's enough."

Our last song comes courtesy of the Pope-dissing firecracker Sinead O'Connor. She took her PR lumps after that incident on "SNL" but those first two records of hers were damn good. Thank you to everyone who read this column over the years. It's been fun sharing the experience with you all. My current plan is to not like another TV show enough that my bosses will ask me to blog about it. Wish me luck.

There's no other way to say it: the carnage from tonight's episode of "24" made me positively giddy. Jack Bauer may have dispensed some Dirty Harry-style justice in the past, but this time around, he's a Terminator. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, and he absolutely will not stop until you are . Jesus, I can still feel the small jabs that he hit that hit man with last week, but that shot of Novakovich's suite littered with dead guys, with Novakovich himself taking a poker to the stomach...that was a thing of beauty. I have been waiting for years to see Jack do something like that. Way to give the people what they want, Fox. I love it when shows finally start acting like they have nothing to lose. Unfortunately, they usually only do so after they've lost everything.

Having said that, I'm still unhappy that Jack hasn't thought to upload the incriminating video to the interwebs. On the plus side, Mr. Blonde still has a copy of it on his hard drive, and since the video is of Starbuck, and Buffy is the one that's about to pay him a visit, it's possible that Buffy will get one look at this video and want to blow the whistle whether Jack wishes it or not. Either way, it will be a huge missed opportunity if the world doesn't see that clip.

I thought for sure that Timmy was going to quit on the spot when Allison asked him to organize the raid of a newspaper. He's always had a strong moral compass. He has to know that this is bad juju. But never mind that: Jack had to know that White She Devil was not smart enough to evade the authorities long enough to get her piece written. Heck, how many of us are smart enough to fall off the grid? The second you use a credit card, boom, you're done. Need cash? Can't get any out of an ATM. She was a sitting duck, and Jack should have known that.

Then again, I'll forgive him for having other things on his mind, namely how he was going to make I.M. Weasel sing like a canary about his involvement in the day's events. I'm actually tempted to reinstate Logan's other nickname of Buck Buck Brawwwwwwk, because the sounds he was making as he was grilled by Jack sounded just like a chicken. And, to bring the Terminator analogy back, I loved how Jack only wounded the American agents while mercilessly killing any and all Russians. I half expected him to say to Logan, after knocking one of his Secret Service agents unconscious, "He'll live."

So I.M. Weasel finally reveals his source within the Russian government, and it is none other than President Suvarov himself. Now forgive me, because I can be a little dense - I'll pause while you get all jokes out of your system - but this doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Why on earth would Suvarov tell Logan anything? There is no good that can come from this, especially if he's trying to torpedo a peace treaty that the President of the United States is pushing. If I'm Suvarov, I am meeting Logan's call with a long string of phrases that vary on the theme "You dumb motherfucker!" Gee, thanks for not ratting me out, but you may as well have, dingus. Please tell me I'm missing something here.

That was a nice touch, though, to see that Jack planted a bug on Logan and overheard everything he said to Suvarov. Here's the question, though: was he able to capture that recording? Overhearing isn't exactly admissible in a court of law. Not that Jack is thinking about the letter of the law at the moment, but you get the idea. In case the video's destroyed, he's going to need a backup plan. Assuming he even has a plan at this point. Seriously, he's killed every single Russian connected to Renee's death. What else is left? Killing Suvarov? He should make a video of himself, in the event of his untimely death, where he explains everything that has happened up to now, and finish it by playing the recording of the conversation he just overheard, if he's capable. Then, . Have I mentioned that he should be uploading stuff to the Web, multiple times, and sending copies directly to TV stations as well?

Two hours left. It's the end of an era, if you will. We've given nine years of our lives to this show, and in a week, it'll all be over. They say that they want to turn it into a movie franchise, but as Mr. Paulsen points out, if people aren't willing to watch it for free, who's going to pay to see it? Surely the people at Fox know this, which gives me hope that they will actually have the balls to kill Jack in the final seconds of next week's series finale, giving him a ten-second silent clock tick. Ah, but who are we kidding, that will never happen. The thing is, it should. For what he's done in the last few hours, Jack's either looking at death or life in prison, even if he succeeds in exposing two corrupt administrations. And I for one do not want to see Jack end the show behind bars.

I originally planned on titling this blog "...And you will know us by the trail of dead" after seeing that slow pan of Novakovich's suite. But I'd be remiss if I didn't pimp Ice-T's hardcore side project from the early '90s, which seems positively quaint now but was a big deal at the time, to the point where his song "Cop Killer" got him in so much trouble that Time Warner voided his contract. These days, of course, he's a "Law & Order" guy. You know what would be really awesome? When the time comes to kill off his character, it's at the hands of a guy who was amped up after listening to some rapper talk about killing pigs. I have to think even Ice-T would appreciate the irony of that.

Tonight's episode of "24" felt like a blast from the past. It was pretty lean in terms of storytelling, it contained a hellacious, if predictable, end-around, and ended with one of the most vicious torture scenes in the show's history. Pity it had one major, major flaw.

I liked that Dominic was so busy trying to nail down Bauer down that he took no notice of Chloe and Merv the Perv conspiring behind his back. Even when he noticed Chloe giving him The Look (you know the one), he just tinted the windows and kept on scheming. Fool. Nobody puts Chloe in a corner. Still, you'd think Dominic would show a little more diplomacy when safeguarding high crimes committed by the White House. By yanking that file away from Arlo, he may as well have stamped "CORRUPT" on his forehead.

As Jack is setting up the meet with White She Devil, I'm thinking to myself, "There has to be a better way to do this." Not in terms of getting her the evidence (more on that in a bit), but in terms of meeting out in the open like that. So as it's going down and he shows up, I knew he'd have a plan, and sure enough, he did. He didn't care about getting caught on camera - he knew the hit man who took out Crazy Jackie would be there, and could then settle two scores for the price of one. Get the intel, and make the motherfucker responsible for Jackie's death squeal like a stuck pig before ultimately killing him. Re-enter Mr. Blonde, to get the drop on Dmitri Sharpshooter.

But I have another idea.

That's great that he was able to abduct - and torture the bejeezus out of - Renee's killer, but if he just wanted to make sure She Devil got the video, why didn't he just go viral with it? Post that puppy to YouTube, text her the link, have her record her own version in the event CTU discovers it, and send it to every TV station in New York City. She Devil said it herself, Starbuck's tape alone was more than enough evidence to blow the lid off. He didn't need to risk her life over it, which actually goes to Dominic's point that Jack has indeed lost it, and is acting not out of duty but out of grief and hell-bent on revenge. I believe Jack has it mostly together; he did check himself after unloading about 20 hay makers on the helpless hit man. But let's not kid ourselves, people: Jack Bauer is the Crow, and he will not stop until everyone responsible for Renee's death is dealt with. And by dealt with, I mean gutted like a deer, but not before having a little blowtorch work done. And taking the cell phone memory card out of hit man's stomach, staring him in the eyes the entire time...wow.

The bottom line is that Jack should go viral with the footage anyway, because once it's out on the web, the government will not be able to control the message any longer. It's an instant checkmate, and Jack, of all people, should know this. But hey, the "24" writers, for as advanced as their tech is, are slow on the draw with certain things. They actually used texting to their advantage this week, after passing on a golden opportunity to use it in an earlier episode. Before you know it, they'll be Facebooking, tweeting, and then, when no one's looking, sexting. Shhhhh!

I still have one question: has I.M. Weasel revealed how he suspected the Russians were involved in the day's events? I remember him offering his services to Allison, and then blackmailing Mikhail into submission, but never really being forthright - not his strong suit, sure - with either of them. He must have known something, but what? If he heard chatter, then who was chattering? I hear chatter about lots of things, but I don't offer my services to the President unless I'm 100% sure of my intel, especially if I'm a disgraced former President looking for redemption.

Time for tonight's song, courtesy of a mid-'80s AAA-hungry Brian Setzer. This is the first time I've heard this song since its release, and all I could think of was Marshall Crenshaw. I'm frankly surprised Crenshaw didn't write this, because it sounds just like him.

"You won't take the shot, it's too risky! I'll kill her before you..." *Blam*

Seriously, that was one of the best deaths in "24" history. Here was Toepick, trying to act all intimidating, when Jack was a mere five or six feet away. He may as well have had the gun on Toepick's forehead. Heck, I'm pretty sure Jack has made that shot across a windy rooftop with a pea shooter in a previous season.

As Jack continues to thwart I.M. Weasel's nefarious plans, Logan's conversations with Allison remind me of a "Simpsons" episode - in full disclosure, it should be noted that pretty much everything reminds me of a "Simpsons" episode - where Apu is trying to get out of his arranged marriage to a family friend, and Homer suggests that he pretend that he's married to Marge, and Bart and Lisa are his kids. When the plan continues to go wrong, Apu finally grows tired of Homer's wacky schemes:

Is it me, or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies? It's you.

Logan is Homer. Allison is Apu. Only she's still going along with Logan's ridiculous suggestions, even though each one is riskier and more conspicuous than the last one. Again, the woman who is authorizing Logan to put his assistant (official "24" nickname: Dominic, from his "Dollhouse" days) in charge of the hunt for Jack at CTU. Because that doesn't look at all suspicious that you're putting someone in between Jack and Chloe. Yumpin' yiminy.

There was a time when I hoped that they could come up with a way to take the bad guys down without getting Allison's hands dirty, but as she continues to acquiesce, I am running out of patience with her. She's had more than enough time to realize the grievous error in judgment she's committed, but the problem at this point is that she can't go back, so the web of lies expands. Still, go back to the beginning of this subplot, and think of Logan and Taylor as exes. Would you take 'don't ask, don't tell' assistance from an ex - a known liar, to boot- even when they assured you that none of it would come back to haunt you? Of course you wouldn't, because the two of you broke up for a reason, remember? There isn't a parallel universe on this or any other world where Allison would accept that kind of help from someone like I.M. Weasel, and I'm growing tired of seeing them continue with the ruse.

Now let's get to the other great death in tonight's episode. Was anyone else shocked at the remorselessness Jack showed in dispatching Starbuck? Yes, she could not be trusted, and yes, she had killed several innocent civilians in order to facilitate her escape, as well as conceal her cover. And yes, Jack is going to have hell to pay from Buffy, even though Starbuck spared his life when hatching her Plan B to go off the grid. But for someone who said he was only interested in justice, Jack killing an unarmed Starbuck seemed a bit dark, didn't it? How about chaining her to something and having the police deal with her? If the Russians kill her before she gets processed, so be it. She had her chance to escape on Jack's terms, and she reneged. But just deciding that she had to die...that's not going to help his case when he sees what's on the video file and tries to make his case for, well, overthrowing the government. It seems the smarter play would have been from the Richard Kimble playbook, where you try to keep as many people alive as possible, even when they mean you harm. You're trying to make a big, big case; it's a lot easier to do that when there is no blood on your hands.

Only four hours left. I traded messages with onetime "" blogger John "You Must Suspend Disbelief" Paulsen about the perils of blogging TV shows, and he told me that when "Prison Break" went off the air, he threw a party. As much as I've loved watching this show and writing this silly, silly blog, I'm harboring similar plans. I am grateful to all six of you who have stuck with this blog until the very end, but I'm officially at the point where I cannot wait for this show to be over. And with any luck, our colleague Will Harris will find himself in the same room with Cherry Jones at the next TCA gathering, and I can ask him to get her to talk about how she felt about getting lobotomized mid-season. Hey, at the very least, we might get a good off-the-record story from her on the subject.

In the meantime, I leave you with this clip from the Cranberries' first album. It seemed to fit, given that Jack put Starbuck down like a dog, but not before putting Toepick down like a rabid dog. Plius, I have been sitting here for about an hour trying to find a clever lyric as a subtitle for this week's blog, and I'm tired, man. Cranberries it is. Good night.

First, let's meet the two newest members of of the "24" cast:

- Jim Ricker (Michael Madsen), an 'I can get things' kind of guy, off the grid and on the wrong side of a favor to Jack. Official "24" nickname: Mr. Blonde, of course. - Mark Bledsoe (D.B. Sweeney), a ridiculously mustachioed private security agent who isn't afraid to dabble in torture. Official "24" nickname: Toepick. My wife came up with that one, as you might imagine.

Welcome to the show, gentlemen. Now please, D.B., shave that damn thing on your face.

Do you want to know how busy Michael Madsen is? His appearance on "24" is already listed as the 34th most recent acting gig he's done. That man's a machine.

There is still something about President I.M. Weasels' motives that bothers me. I'm convinced he still has at least one card, and maybe two, up his sleeve. He can't just be looking for an image makeover, because he wouldn't resort to extortion - poorly planned extortion, at that - in order to do it... For as much as he's supposedly playing the hardliner with the Russians, he's also protecting them and himself by negotiating Starbuck's release into Toepick's custody, willing to live with the consequences in the event that "mistakes are made." No, the extortion actually looks like a cover for something worse, possibly that he's in league with the Russians, or a group that stands to take advantage of a post-treaty Russia. I don't think we've seen the full weaselosity of Logan yet, which is saying something.

On the Starbuck front, something deliciously awesome just presented itself as a possibility: Jack and Buffy spring Starbuck, and the three work together to blow the lid on the conspiracy. Now, who saw THAT coming after Starbuck revealed herself to be a double agent? I thought her story ended with a bullet to the head, fired by her fiance. Now, they look like the "24" version of The Losers, government spooks trying to clear their name. Hopefully, this will turn out better than the movie.

Allison, once again, takes a look at the path of righteousness, considers changing course, but ultimately opts for rockier terrain after I.M. Weasel works his bad juju on Allison in private. Thank God, then, that Ethan stood up to her and showed her just how serious he was about the mistakes she's making. I guess actors can hear me when I yell at the TV, after all.

Back to the Ricker character: the press release says that he will appear in the final six episodes, but I highly doubt that. It's not like that can say that he'll be in the next three episodes, because we'll know that he dies in the third one. Earlier this year, they said that Annie Wersching was in 23 episodes this season, and we all know how that turned out. (*shakes fist at sky*) Nope, Mr. Blonde will only be able to take so many phone calls from Jack before someone sniffs him out. Which is too bad, because he has a pretty sweet lair, with all that gear and security tech.

The single best thing about tonight's episode was that Jack knew that Chloe would double-cross him, worked that into his battle plan, and appears to forgive Chloe for setting him up. That is friendship, right there. And while the writers have sent Allison hurtling into WTF territory, it's good to see that they haven't lost their minds about what makes Chloe tick. She's done underhanded stuff in the past, yes, but she wasn't director of CTU then, saddled with a Presidential order. He knew she'd play ball, and he worked that to his advantage. Now when does he let her in on his ruse, and will she be so accommodating the next time?

With the series planning a big-screen conversion, you would think that Jack and Chloe and the series on a good note, but for that to happen, it means that Dalia Hassan has to find out the truth about Allison covering up Russia's involvement for the sake of the treaty. If that happens, Allison will be disgraced, just like Logan. My question is: does Allison deserve that? Yes, she's making some major mistakes here, but she's no I.M. Weasel. Is there a way that Logan can take the fall again, but Allison can be redeemed before it's too late? I honestly hope so. It doesn't seem right that she goes down as a baddie.

Tonight's blog title comes courtesy of Aimee Mann, the unofficial title track to her 1996 pop classic . Mann has stated that she hated working under the major labels' thumb, but as much as it pains me to say this, she also did her best work when she did. Don't get me wrong, it's great that she has been able to make a living outside of the system - in fact, she's made far more money on her own than she ever did working for the Man - but A&R men are not always wrong when they tell their client that they don't hear a single. Just sayin'.

Nickname change: President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwwwk will now be referred to by his original nickname of President I.M. Weasel. Because holy fuck, man, he is the sleaziest character this show has ever seen.

The thing is, I actually loved his scene with Novakovich, where he put the ambassador over a barrel and said, "Get back to the table, or you're done." It was vintage Charles Logan, done with a nod and that greasy half-smile of his. However, now that Jack Bauer nearly blew the lid off of everything using good old-fashioned detective work - with no small amount of intimidation - we learn that Logan's plan, in full, was as follows:

1) Blackmail the Russian government into accepting the treaty 2) Tell President Taylor nothing about how he persuaded them to change their minds 3) Hope that his secret never gets out

Huh. I'm not sure he thought this through.

He didn't consider that Dalia might find out on her own who killed Slumdog. He didn't consider the fact that the Russians may sign this peace accord but they'll never honor it, and eventually the truth about its bloody origin will spill. Lastly, he didn't consider the one-man wrecking crew that is Jack Bauer, who was able to spoil his plan as soon as he hatched it. And since Logan kinda has a thing about Jack, what with Jack destroying his Presidency and all, he completely lost his objectivity when it came to silencing him. You'd think that Madame President would have noticed Logan foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog whenever he said Bauer's name, since she has a much different relationship with Jack than Logan does - on account of being a good, honest person - and yet, she didn't. And worse, she's acquiescing to Logan's suggestion that they continue with the treaty, even though Dalia Hassan will soon be sitting across the table from the people who killed her husband.

I call shenanigans. Allison Taylor would never, ever do that.

The nanosecond I.M. Weasel mentioned the Russian government's involvement, the regular Allison Taylor, the one we saw every other week - the one who sent her own daughter to prison - would have sent Logan out on his ass. He says he recently became aware of their involvement, but who knows if that's true? He wants to get back in the political game, and since his first step in achieving that goal was to blackmail the Russian ambassador to the UN (!), it's clear that he cannot be trusted. That he's trying to muzzle the best damn agent CTU has ever had should have been the smoking gun that he's up to no good. And yet, Madame President went along with it. The one with the straightest moral compass of anyone on the show bought what Charles Logan, , was selling. You have to think that Cherry Jones saw the script that day and said, "Oh, fuck me. I'm getting a lobotomy."

And then Keifer Sutherland calmed her down by saying, "It's all right, I'm getting one, too. I hijack a helicopter at the end of the hour."

Look, I know that when Jack is all out of bubble gum, there is little stopping him. ("They Live," holler.) But hijacking a helicopter? Do you know how easy it will be to spin that story to the public after they shoot him down? "Longtime dedicated Federal Agent, stricken with grief over the death of his Agent girlfriend, decided the Russians were responsible for her untimely demise. Film at 11." No one will ask questions. His funeral party will consist of Kim and Chloe. Everyone else who ever cared about him is dead. Survived by daughter Kim, granddaughter Teri, and illegitimate son Jack-Jack.

At least they didn't insist that Chloe lose her mind along with Jack. She warned him that she'd have to call in an air strike, and call in an air strike she did. Jack, wisely, flew straight to Manhattan, knowing that they wouldn't dare risk shooting him down over New York. Still, there had to be a better way to get him back in play. Ooh, here's an idea: how about him in play? There are six hours left. It's a sliver of time in the show's history, but it's an awfully long time for people to act completely out of character in order to service a bad plot idea. I don't want to see "24" limp to the finish line again. Not on its final time around the track.

Tonight's blog title comes courtesy of another mid-'80s English wuss rock band. was the 1986 album by China Crisis, and is in tribute to Madame President selling her integrity down the river for disgraced former President I.M. Weasel. (I was thinking of using the Pretenders song "How Much Did You Get for Your Soul," but my wife hates Chrissie Hynde.) She knew about the 'disgraced' part, right? Of course she did. So why did she go along with it, again? In the real world, both he and his weasel assistant receive a polite 'no' in response to their offer of assistance, and then their houses are burned to the ground while they sleep. Here's hoping she gets a chance to right this wrong. Until then, I will refer to her not by the customary Madame President but by her first name, in order to show my contempt for the decisions she made this hour. As a bonus, I've included a link to the best fight scene in movie history, one so awesome that Trey Parker and Matt Stone re-created it shot for shot with two cripples. Enjoy!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Someone damaged .

Two weeks ago, I said:

This week, I get punched in the face. Actually, this was worse than a punch to the face - it was a full-scale mugging. My beloved Crazy Jackie, picked off by some douchenozzle Russian hit man. These guys haven't meant shit to the plot for half the season, and now the Russians are suddenly the phantom menace. Fuck that.

Can you tell I'm unhappy about the latest development?

Look, I knew that Jackie would die shortly after a moment of bliss with Jack (did anyone else notice that her hollow, raccoon eyes suddenly looked perfect for their big kiss?), and it stands to reason that the Russian mob would be the ones pulling the trigger. But now? You kill my favorite character on the show with six hours left and leave me with President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwk as a replacement? I'm sorry, but those terms are unacceptable to me. Maybe they knew that killing her in the final hours would be too predictable, so they offed her now. That's a logical play but also a shortsighted one, because now they've only pissed people off by killing her now; I think noted philosopher Eddie Murphy said it best when he said, "Ha ha, very funny, muthafucka." Thank God they didn't subject Agent Aaron "Old Yeller" Pierce to a similar fate, that's all I'm saying.

So yes, the Russians are in deep with this whole thing in ways we couldn't anticipate. In the early hours, it was merely some criminal kingpins profiting off the IRK's instability, but now it looks as though Mother Russia has a vested interest in it as well. And the only hope of getting the Russians to sign the peace treaty is...Charles Logan? Hell, he was as dead as Tony Almeida last we saw him. He conspired with the Russians to have David Palmer killed, for God's sake. He's your Hail Mary? Madame President finished their chat by saying something along the lines of "I better not be wrong about you," but has Logan ever been sleazier than he was in those few minutes? There are six hours left, which means no good can come from this, except possibly killing Logan once and for all.

While we're discussing outrageous predictions, though, I did get this one right:

Wow. I thought they were saving that one for the movie. And as soon as she inherited the crown, Chloe proved her worth by moving up the toxicology report of former terrorist mastermind Samir - did anyone else know that he was one of the guys that Jack shot when trying to save Slumdog President? Why on earth would he stay behind? - and confirming her suspicion that he was poisoned. Better call Jack and let him know what happened. "Oh hey, Renee..."

Fuck. Still not over her death yet.

An amusing Fox crossover moment came during Madame President's scene with Logan, as his executive assistant is played by Reed Diamond, a.k.a. Dominic from "Dollhouse." He was sent to the Attic on that show for betraying the director of the dollhouse, and he's serving President Buck Buck Brawwwwwk here. Just throwing that out there.

So Crazy Jackie's dead, and Chloe's in charge of CTU. Logan's in play, and Starbuck still hasn't given them a lead. (Apparently my from last week was rejected.) I may not agree with the decisions the show is making, but give them this: they're making things a lot more interesting now that they know they can play dirty. Still, damn, man. Not Jackie. Not now. This is the most heartbreaking death in the show's history for me. Jackie is also the second character to receive two ceremonial silent clock ticks, one for her , and another for her much more real death tonight. You will be sorely missed, Renee/Crazy Jackie. And because you're so special, your death merits two songs: the one that I referenced in the title, and one using your Christian name. (*wipes tear*)

In the interest of full disclosure, you should know that I'm writing this while hopped up on Oxycodone. And let me tell you, it's . The only catch is that the line between sleepy bliss and blinding pain is a thin one. So here goes nothing. If my writing goes off the rails...it'll look like every other week! (*rim shot*)

Starbuck has finally been found out, and her demand to deal only with Jack struck me as curious, given his talents for persuading people to talk. You could tell by the way that she made the demand that she's following orders, and that her employers have experience with him. I'll still hold on to Alan Wilson as a possibility, and God help them if they hold Kim and her daughter hostage as a last resort. After the things that happened tonight, that would totally suck to have it undone by Kim, again.

Man, Samir's people can act fast, can't they? He's a dozen blocks away from driving into an ambush, and is able to get the call from Starbuck and relay that information to the drop car in time to get into the one place they can make the switch. I'm not saying it's impossible, but...it's a hell of a thing, don't you think?

Let's get straight to the ending, shall we? While I don't like seeing good guys die, it was nice to see "24" finally act like a show that has nothing to lose. Because hey, let's face it, they have anything to lose, so why not kill Slumdog President? And the thing is, from the moment Jack broke into that apartment, I had a bad feeling. I knew that their audio wizard had picked up an internet broadcast of Samir rather than Samir in the flesh, but I thought that it would turn out to be the wrong room, not the right room but much too late. Oh well, same result either way, I guess: Slumdog's dead. Long live Slumdog.

So now what?

All of Samir's men are dead, or close to it. He has no nuclear rods, and he's killed the President. We have eight hours left, and nothing to play for. Starbuck's deal was only good if they recovered Slumdog alive. Since that didn't happen, I'd quit negotiating with her and put her alone in a windowless room with Buffy so he can hate fuck her to death. The Russians and President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwk look as though they're being put in play, but it seems too little too late. I'm dying to hear the explanation for why Logan's not dead though, since the last time we saw him, he was flatlining in the back of an ambulance.

All right, the meds are wearing off. It's time to wrap this up. I usually finish with a video, but Prince is a right bastard about YouTube. See you next week, and hopefully this drug stuff is far behind me.

And it's official: this will be the last season of Premium Hollywood's "24" blog.

Did you like how I made Fox's decision to kill the show all about me?

Truth be told, I'm relieved. Ask anyone who blogs about a show and they will tell you that the single-best way to ruin a show for someone is to write about it. Even really good shows like "Lost" get exhausting after a while (biggest, mythology, ever), but "24," frankly, has been spinning its wheels for years now, and I know that my frustration with the show reflected in my writing. I really did try to make this as entertaining as possible, but that can be difficult when all you want to do is say "Fuck this show," and hit Publish.

Now that I know it's over (ooh, another potential blog title), though, I plan to have as much fun watching this show as possible, even if Starbuck is the sorriest excuse for a mole in TV history. And fingers crossed that I get another interview with Annie "Crazy Jackie" Wersching before they call it a day.

I am always amused at how cavalier TV politicians are about committing high treason. (There's a Karl Rove joke in there somewhere, but...nah.) We always knew Weiss was a weasel, but not even I thought that he would sell out Madame President like that, especially after that rousing speech she gave when the cabinet members actually entertained the idea of giving up Slumdog in order to stop the bomb. That was worthy of the that our own Will Harris assembled earlier this year. Say this for the lack of screen time Cherry Jones has suffered this year - when she is on screen, at least they give her good stuff...

...though in return for that good stuff, they have her assign the nation's best field agent with the menial task of escorting Slumdog President and family out of the blast range. Of course, it turned out to be a very good thing that he there, or they'd all be dead. Two firestorms in two weeks! Wheeeeee! Actually, I liked seeing Jack go all Call of Duty on General Brucker's goons, picking them off in the smoke screen like fish in a barrel. (That general has a great agent though, as he has made memorable appearances in "Fringe" and "Damages" before appearing here.) I was sure that Jackie was going to get picked off though, but it's too soon for a dramatic death scene like that. That one comes in Hour 23. Book it, Dan-O.

Now that we know that Starbuck is a terrorist, isn't it curious how Samir is suddenly ringing her phone like it's Booty Call Hour? Was she really not communicating with him up to this point? You have to think that he needed a thing or two from her before she killed Jimmy James, and either way, how conspicuous is she that they're in a crisis and she's constantly on her cell? Especially when - this just occurred to me - her phone was blasted in the EMP? She must have sent Samir a text message with the new number of the replacement phone NSA handed her. Or not; maybe they thought we wouldn't notice. Silly, silly show runners.

Starbuck did say something interesting during one of the calls, though. It's clear that there is no real relationship between Samir and Starbuck, and that this is a reluctant business arrangement on her part to help him. So who is it that she answers to? Who would be interested in recruiting a young, attractive female with a criminal past for a position of vast interest to national security? If they're American, that would explain how "Dana" has been able to escape detection up to this point. God, this couldn't be the makings of a perfect storm of sleaze, could it? Remember who's making a late appearance before the final clock tick? Three words: Buck buck brawwwwwwwwk!

But nah, that's too easy. There is no way an ex-President could get involved with something like that...right? Tony Almeida's behind bars, so he couldn't be the phantom menace, as it were...but Alan Wilson could be. His story is still unresolved; all we know is that Jackie nearly tortured him to death at the end of Day 7. Maybe his lawyers secured some kind of pardon for his troubles, and now he's trying to secure more work for his defense contractors by executing another attack on US soil. It makes sense on paper, but that is usually the best indication that the show has other plans.

Lastly, let's discuss poor, poor Tarin, who was forced to assume the role of the delivery driver for the bomb. This is surely a test on Samir's part, since he has unofficially questioned Tarin's commitment to the cause from the moment he expressed regret for getting Princess Jasmine involved. Tarin activates the ticking clock within the ticking clock, with a pained expression that said, "I am far too handsome to die like this." Doesn't he have 42 virgins waiting for him in the afterlife? Hey, no one wants to die, but dude, . You had to know that this moment was coming.

Which brings us to our song of the week, by my beloved Muse. Time is indeed running out for both Madame President and the show as a whole. The show's producers seem to be excited about flipping the franchise into a feature film property, but I don't know how that's possible without massive commercial breaks. I remember when Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken tried that in the '90s with "Nick of Time." Didn't work out too well. But on the plus side, maybe they'll cut out all that useless stuff like Mare Winningham and her closeted terrorist son. That can only be a good thing, right?

Well, how about that: I get to use this title after all.

Some of you may recall that I wanted to use this title for an episode, any episode, and after Buffy iced Kevin and his psycho dirtbag friend in , I figured that was my last chance, and Starbuck would go back to being the sniveling sissypants we've grown to loathe.

Fool.

I have to say, I did not see this coming. Of course, I feel like I , since her story line was beginning to run out of juice, but I never suspected that our small-time juvee felon would go so far over to the dark side. Let's flash back to the moment where she's tailed Kevin and dirtbag back to the lake. We thought she was unsure about what she wanted to do next. In retrospect, dirtbag is probably lucky that Buffy pulled the trigger.

What would be a neat touch is if we now caught a "Usual Suspects"-style glimpse of all of the strings she was pulling up to the moment where she strangled Jimmy James to death and stuffed him behind the paneling in Holding Room #2. (The stink will give her away eventually, yes?) Maybe there is security preventing people from entering the CTU tunnel, and Starbuck was the one that cleared Princess Jasmine's entrance. Heck, maybe she remotely activated the EMP's timer once the car came into range, since we're still not sure of the weight-sensitive detonation theory espoused in last week's comment section. Maybe she taught the snipers at the river how to jam the cell phone frequencies. But we'll never see any of that, because of the show's real-time format. Pity. We might learn all of those things - or none of them - but it won't have that same punch as the 'Verbal straightens out his foot' shot. Damn it. (*takes drink, per "24" drinking game rules*)

I was about to say that CTU's facial recognition software was going to play a part in identifying Starbuck as a terrorist sympathizer (if you can call them sympathetic), but something just hit me: ten bucks says she's in that file of anti-IRK rebels that President Slumdog was supposed to hand over in the previous hour. We were led to believe CTU scanned through them all on the big screen, but perhaps not. We may not get our "Usual Suspects" moment, but there's a good chance we'll get our "No Way Out" moment, and soon. One thing's for sure, and it is in stark contrast to my prediction of a noble death for poor Jenny: her story ends with Buffy pulling the trigger...but does she take out one of Bullz-Eye's TV girlfriends ( or ) before she takes her last breath? You know my thoughts on Jackie's life expectancy, so she's the odds-on favorite. But there are times when I hate being right, and this is one of them.

Lastly, I think we all owe Katee Sackhoff a formal apology for questioning her decision to take the role of Dana Walsh. She clearly knew something that we didn't, and we should have given her the benefit of the doubt for making this her next role after "BSG." In our defense, Ms. Sackhoff, you didn't make it easy for us at first. Still, we said some things, and for that, we're sorry.

Chloe, meanwhile, grows a pair so big she'll need a wheelbarrow to carry them in, pulling a gun on an NSA engineer and telling him to step tha fuck off as she throws a Hail Mary in order to get coms up and save Jack. (Of course, Starbuck thought Chloe's idea was a bad one, because she needed those servers down for as long as possible.) Bubba is now forever in her debt - her reply of "I'm not good with praise" would have produced a spit take, had I been drinking anything when she said it - which makes me wonder if Chloe is next in line to run CTU. She may still have that personality disorder, as Big Balls Bill Buchanan (RIP) once said, but she also has a good sense of right and wrong, and she knows that Jack is impervious to bullets...

...unless Fox cancels the show, a story that has been making the rounds lately due to the show's increased budget and decreased ratings. Another rumor has the show relocating to NBC, and while they could use a show like "24," I just don't see a fit there. Maybe it's a grudge fuck for Fox supposedly in talks to land Conan O'Brien. Either way, "24" will forever be a Fox show to me.

Speaking of Jack's imperviousness, he and Buffy were in a shootout at the East River with a couple of red shirts that pulled a trick from Scott Smith's book "The Ruins." A character is on death's door, but the vines leave him there to suffer, in order to force his girlfriend put him out of his misery. (Forget the movie - the book's awesome. Brutal, but awesome.) Here, when one of the characters pulls what I call a Hudson ("Aliens" fans just nodded knowingly) and lies in the open, the snipers pull the brutally effective stunt of shooting Hudson repeatedly in order to flush their enemies out in an emotional rage. Both were exercises in mental torture, and both worked. Good thing that Jack and Buffy had a silent partner, one they didn't even know about: Crazy Jackie, who comes out guns a-blazing in both the literal and euphemistic sense. Man, how did I not notice how, um, talented Jackie was last season? Damn things are just screaming at me now. And knowing that she will surely die before season's end, I'm reminded of Cary Elwes' great line in "The Princess Bride": "'Tis a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It'd be a pity to damage yours."

Can't think of a better 'out' line than that. See you next week! Once again, I give you the song "Starbucked" by the UK band Bond. You want to know how forgotten this band is? Not even the last.fm page that's hosting this track has the album title right. It's , not . And there are over 90 copies available for a mere penny on Amazon.