great philosopher once said, "Stupid is as stupid does." That's deep, man. In fact, it's so deep that virtually none of the nominees for our "Pretty, Vacant" category of Bullz-Eye's TV Girlfriends feature would probably be able to figure out what it means. Good thing, then, that they've got their looks to fall back on.
The Sex Pistols fans amongst our readership will immediately recognize the origin of this category's name, but the key is to make sure you don't miss that telltale comma: they're pretty, yes, but, boy, are they vacant. Chrissy Snow was the textbook definition of "dumb blonde" during the '70s, with Kelly Bundy serving as her hair apparent, if you will, for the '90s; somewhere in the middle lies Mickey McKenzie, who can, at the very least, be described as a spiritual cousin to Chrissy. Will Jenna Maroney be remembered as the poster child for the category in the current millennium? Time will tell. Of course, one's locks need not possess a specific color for their intellect to be sub-par, as proven by always beautiful but frequently dim brunettes like Hilary Banks, Daphne Moon, and Mallory Keaton. Let's also not forget that intelligence is relative, which is why Penny from "The Big Bang Theory" makes our cut. (When your neighbors are physicists, you can be halfway clever and still end up the dumbest person in the room.)
Feel free to take a long, lingering look at our 10 "Pretty, Vacant" nominees below, but when the time actually comes for you to place your vote for which one you'd rather have on your arm, don't put a whole lot of thought into it. Fair's fair, right? It's not like they put a whole lot of thought into…well, anything, really. Just be sure you remember to come back on Friday, March 30, to see who won and to place your vote for the next category, "Girls Next Door."
Karyn Parsons, "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"
Given that Hilary Banks' parents come from one of the wealthier communities in Los Angeles, we can imagine that the mere sight of her name on this list has caused your corneas to turn into dollar signs, accompanied by the appropriate "ka-CHING" sound effect. Yes, granted, if we were still living in the era of the dowry, you could probably count on a sizable one to be heading your way, and that's on top of the fact that she's a stunning beauty with an unerring instinct for fashion. Heck, she'd already be off the market if she hadn't demanded that her boyfriend Trevor propose to her while bungee-jumping. So what's the problem? Well, let's just say that, if Hil was a diamond, she'd be quite a few carats away from brilliance. A couple of examples: she once wondered aloud if coffee was a vegetable because it came from beans, and when her parents told her that they wanted her to be all that she could be, she responded with horror, "You want me to join the army?" Hilary's also rather spoiled, having gotten so used to her economic bracket…okay, her parents' economic bracket…that only the richest and prettiest people appear on her radar. If you're a dirty rotten scoundrel, however, this means that you can easily fool her into thinking you've got money, and once you've done that, you're in. And we do mean "in." But, hey, Hil knows of her reputation, and she just shrugs it off. When her cousin Will once implied that she has a certain amount of experience in the boudoir, she responded, "Pardon me for being so attractive." Oh, we do, Hilary, we do.
Christina Applegate, "Married...with Children"
You may not trust her to operate complex machinery…like, say, a camera or a blender…but there isn't a man alive that would turn down a date with Kelly Bundy. Blessed with drop-dead-gorgeous looks despite the tainted gene pool that produced her, Kelly is actually capable of mind-bending moments of genius, but thanks to the woefully misguided teachings of her shallow mother, she has forsaken education for a, shall we say, simpler existence. (Think superficial, not Zen.) She has a good heart, though, and loves her family despite the fact that they are basically ruining her life. We suspect that, once she gets out from under her mother's (horrible) influence and has to make decisions on her own, she will blossom into a smart, successful young woman. Then again, she could just as easily become a stripper who "freelances," if you catch our drift. If it's the former, we'll be there on bended knee (a Hot & Smart girl at a Pretty Vacant discount, if you will). If she chooses the latter, let's just say that her employers will name the pole after us for all of our generous donations. Either way, Kelly Bundy is the girl we just can't quit.
Justine Bateman, "Family Ties"
On the '80s TV Girlfriends continuum, Mallory Keaton occupied a strange middle ground – she was boy-crazy, but not a total whore (like Kelly Bundy) or a vamp in training (like Blair Warner); rather, she was a flighty, deeply insecure Midwestern teenager who happened to wear the latest fashions well. That description makes Mallory sound rather dull – and really, even by the decade's tame standards, she probably was – but what set her apart from her peers was her seemingly bottomless reserves of sweetness and empathy. Who could forget the time Mallory took her family to task for not being sad enough about Aunt Trudie's death? Or the way she patiently weathered the sweaty advances of the deeply annoying nerd next door, Skippy? Or – and here's the most important part – the long-term relationship she entered into with her doltish, visibly unhygienic boyfriend Nick? The perfect blend of girl-next-door hotness and inexplicably low standards, Mallory gave weekly hope to unappealing American boys for seven glorious seasons. She never gave us much in the way of eye candy, but hey, that's what Kelly Bundy was for.
Kaley Cuoco, "The Big Bang Theory"
The traditional Hollywood triple threat is someone who can act, write and direct. Penny is the more common version: she's a wannabe actress, a wannabe writer, and she can waitress the hell out of a Cheescake Factory. The minute she moved in next door, Leonard was in love. Why? Easy: she's friendly, funny and looks great in a tank top. In fact, she's has everything that any Caltech researcher would want…or that any guy would want, really. Penny may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but she only seems ditzy when she spends time with Leonard and his band of geniuses. In fact, when Leonard and company aren't talking about theoretical physics, the intricacies of "Star Trek," or some obscure issue of Superman, Penny actually seems to be the smartest person in the room. When one of the guys has a question about the real world, they always come to her for advice, and she's usually willing to help. That selflessness probably comes from her solid Nebraska upbringing. Not coincidentally, she's writing a screenplay about an actress who moved to L.A. from Omaha and ended up working at a Cheescake Factory. (Hey, they say to write what you know, right?) But the best thing about Penny is her willingness to date Leonard. It's nice to know that the hottest girl in the building is so down to Earth that even a socially inept theoretical physicist has a shot.
Suzanne Somers, "Three's Company"
To date Chrissy Snow is to receive the gift that keeps on giving…and we're not just saying that because her full first name is actually Christmas. (It's true: her dad named her such because she was the best present he ever got.) Granted, her career aspirations may not be that tremendous (she's a temp), but she's one of those girls who's gorgeous but doesn't realize it, which somehow manages to make her even more gorgeous. Raised the daughter of a minister, she's a bit naïve about the ways of the world. Okay, actually, that's a major understatement. I mean, you don't want to call a girl "dim-witted," but she once said, "Oh, I love surprises. It's funny that you never suspect them!" When her landlord, Mr. Roper, came up to shampoo the rug of her apartment, she asked, "Why? Does it have dandruff?" And we could go on…and on and on and on. You fill find, however, that it's surprisingly easy to forgive Chrissy's intellect once you've seen her in pigtails and short-shorts. If you happen to be down at the Regal Beagle and see Chrissy at the bar, buy her a drink and pile on the sweet talk. (Her roommate, Janet, says it positively makes her melt.) But once the conversation gets rolling, don't underestimate her: she might not be a member of Mensa, but she has a unique way with logic that can make your head explode, which would really put a damper on any future relationship.
The first five nominees in the "Pretty, Vacant " category are all worthy objects of our affection, but they certainly aren't the only TV airheads to win our hearts. Below you'll find five more lovely ladies to consider before placing your vote for Bullz-Eye's "Pretty, Vacant" TV Girlfriend.
Portia De Rossi, "Arrested Development"
We can actually see why Lindsay Bluth Fünke has a hard time meeting men. Her family is dead broke and batshit crazy – her parents only adopted her to spite a business rival – and she supports the liberal protest of the week, but is too shallow to actually sacrifice anything for the cause. The biggest obstacle to getting with Lindsay, though, is her husband, an ambiguously gay 'never-nude.' (She married him to spite her parents, fittingly enough.) That's a 747 worth of baggage, right there, but we'd still try to be the one that "fixes" her, and the reason is simple: have you seen her?
Drea de Matteo, "The Sopranos"
There have been and will continue to be cases where we do a bit of shoehorning to fit a girlfriend into a category simply because they're so hot that we can't imagine the overall competition without them. If you're skeptical about Adriana being described as "Pretty, Vacant," however, consider the reasons why you remember her: she's shallow, materialistic, and for as much as she may have loved Christopher, she still became an FBI informant against Tony Soprano and his family. That might not make her stupid, but it sure doesn't make her smart.
Teri Copely, "We Got It Made"
What's the definition of a nice girl? Someone who possesses both the looks of a goddess and a figure of mindboggling proportions, and yet can serve as the live-in maid of two single guys and still convince their girlfriends that there's no funny business going on, even though she's invariably wearing incredibly tight or skimpy clothing. That's Mickey McKenzie in a nutshell, and as short a story as it may be, it still provides several really good reasons why you'd want to date her. Sure, she's a ditzy blonde, but she's no less a bombshell for that.
Jane Krakowski, "30 Rock"
Remember that naïve girl from high school that you could convince of just about anything? That's Jenna Maroney in a nutshell, the attention-hungry co-star of "The Girlie Show." Sure, she's more successful than the typical airhead, but she's also very ambitious, which means that as long as you promise her a part in your next movie, she'll love you forever. Or at least until she realizes that there is no movie. Just don't get caught in public together, or you may find yourself on "Hardball" explaining why your girlfriend is such a racist.
Jane Leeves, "Frasier"
Nine times out of 10, you'd be well advised to steer clear of a relationship with an immigrant who has eight siblings and claims to be psychic -- but Daphne Moon, Martin Crane's delightfully daffy caretaker for all 11 seasons of Frasier, is a notable exception. Warm-hearted and cute as a button, Daphne made up for her often ludicrous beliefs and complete inability to tell a coherent story by always speaking her mind with an adorable British accent. Anyone could see why Niles was head over heels for her -- and he was such a wuss about making it happen, anyone could have had their shot by the time Daphne and Niles finally married.
Now that you've seen our 10 nominees in the "Pretty, Vacant" category, it's time to make your voice heard by voting for your favorite. If you need to refresh your memory before casting your ballot, click the thumbnails below to revisit each nominee's writeup. Then, come back on Monday, March 30 for the unveiling of the next TV Girlfriends list, "Girls Next Door," and to see which character prevailed in the "Pretty, Vacant" voting.
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