here comes a time in every man's life when he meets a woman who's so breathtaking that she causes you to bypass the part of your brain that considers the possibility of hooking up with her and skips straight to the part that says, "There is absolutely no way that she'd ever go out with me." Now, admittedly, there have been several entries within our previous lists of TV Girlfriends who could easily inspire that sort of reaction within the general populace, but to our way of thinking, the women who we've defined as Totally Out of Our League transcend those other categories.
So what puts these lovely ladies in a league of their own? Well, we can't put all the blame on California, but there's definitely something about the Golden State that breeds impossible dream girls: if they're not basking on the beach (possibly even as a lifeguard), then they're either in the movie business – an actress, perhaps a stuntwoman – or related to someone in the movie business. Certain professions outside of Hollywood can prove intimidating as well, like crimefighter or, uh, shall we say "companion"? And, of course, sometimes it's just a woman's sheer unpredictability that makes her seem too hot to touch.
What we're offering you, however, is the perfect hypothetical opportunity: to pick which of these out-of-your-league women you'd like to pretend actually is in your league. As in previous rounds, we invite you to investigate both the pros and cons within the nominations and then make your selection, and be sure to come back on November 23 to see who won…and to place your vote for which of our 10 individual winners should take the crown in our Final Catfight.
Tina Louise, "Gilligan's Island"
Miss Grant is pretty much the Platonic ideal of "totally out of our league." The heart-stoppingly gorgeous redhead is, for pity's sake, a real-live movie star along the lines of Marilyn Monroe and Myrna Loy and utterly aware of her exalted status. It's her luck, however, to be stuck on a remote island with a paunchy middle-aged sea dog, his absurdly naïve first mate, an infantile millionaire with a bubble headed wife, and a handsome, brilliant, and apparently asexual scientist. It gets worse because she also has to deal with the other resident of the island she'll be constantly pitted against in the fantasy lives of America's males -- the more accessible Mary Ann. Still, Ginger is to be congratulated for her ingenuity maintaining her standards, somehow managing innumerable glamorous clothing changes even though she's only packed for a three hour tour. Nor is she afraid to exercise her power over men, usually on island visitors who might help rescue her and the other castaways. Somehow, though, her considerable whiles never help her to get off…we mean help her to leave the island. No wonder she always seems so frustrated, but in a really glamorous way, of course.
Sherilyn Fenn, "Twin Peaks"
For those who prefer to gauge their girlfriends via a more "adult" line of criteria, the industry standard used to be that all applicants should be capable of sucking a golf ball through fifty feet of garden hose. In hipper circles, however, the prerequisite has changed: now they need to be capable of tying a knot in a cherry stem with their tongue. The woman responsible for the transition? Audrey Horne. They don't come any more gorgeous (or enigmatic) than the daughter of hotelier Benjamin Horne, but when your father is a prominent businessman who has time for everything but you, it's a given that there are gonna be some daddy issues floating about. In Audrey's case, they usually present themselves with a desire to pursue authority figures…like, say, FBI agents with a weakness for a damned fine cup of coffee. On the other hand, though, she's not terribly fond of guys who know they're awesome, so you'd be wise to keep your humility about you. Audrey's come a long way in a short time, moving from young and immature to a competent businesswoman who's wise beyond her years…but, then, that's what sneaking into a bordello and getting drugged will do to you. Her newfound desire to do the right thing, even at the risk of imprisonment, could pay off if you're a nice guy. But don't worry: we have every reason to believe that her naughty streak is just below the surface, waiting for a chance to escape.
Emanuelle Chruiqi, "Entourage"
She might just have the least sexy last name in TV history (it's no wonder we've never actually heard it), but for someone as sexy, smart and filthy rich as Sloan, it wouldn't take us very long to get past. The difficult part would be getting the opportunity to even do so, because while someone as ordinary as Eric Murphy managed to not only hook up with Sloan but actually convince her to marry him, we don't think we'd ever have a shot. It's too bad, because while Sloan's the kind of girl you'd expect would ignore most guys, there's not a single diva bone in her body. Not to mention, she has plenty of connections in the business (thanks to her big-time Hollywood agent father, Terrence), so if you're looking to break out in Tinseltown, she'd probably be willing to throw a recommendation your way. Still, while Sloan might seem like the complete package (and believe us when we say that she comes pretty darn close), we're almost glad that she's out of our league. After all, who would want to deal with the kind of constant aggravation that Sloan's wannabe boyfriend, Seth Green, would bring to the relationship? It's enough to make you want to sucker punch a guy.
Cheryl Ladd, "Charlie's Angels"
The Munroe sisters may not have had the best upbringings, coming up rough in an alcoholic home, but they sure did have some nice DNA, and the Townsend Agency took full advantage of it, employing both Jill and her slightly younger, slightly blonder sister Kris in their heroic escapades. Where Jill was the "sporty" Angel, Kris was the "fun" one – something she proved week after week by hooking up with one shady dude after another, not to mention volunteering for undercover duty as everything from a nude beach frequenter to a cheerleader. A feisty crimefighter, Kris grew into her calling during her five years with the Townsends, but never lost her ability to turn a bikini from a few pieces of cloth into a truly magical garment. And did we mention that the girl can sing? You've got to respect a multitalented gal like that. The younger Munroe hasn't been seen since she helped fellow Angel Kelly Garrett recover from a gunshot wound in late June of 1981, but no matter where she is or what she's doing, we're sure a white Mustang Cobra II is involved…just as we're sure Kris still looks great in a bikini. No Angel ever did a more thorough job of earning her wings.
Pamela Anderson, "Baywatch"
No one has ever made almost drowning seem more appealing than C.J. Parker, the walking lifejacket who patrolled the beaches of L.A. County for five glorious, jiggular years in the ‘90s. Though C.J. had a tendency to run in slow motion, thus potentially further endangering the lives of the swimmers she was supposed to be rescuing from a watery grave, no one seemed to mind much; in fact, despite a steady influx of scantily clad bombshells, the L.A County Lifeguards were never quite the same after she departed for greener (or sandier?) pastures in 1997, just in time to escape the leathery, liquor-scented paws of the lecherous Mitch Buchannon. Thankfully, when last we saw C.J. in 2003, she was every bit as lovely – and just as much of a New Age dingbat – as ever. She may have traded her swimsuit and mouth-to-mouth obligations for ownership of a Hawaiian bar and grill, but like the best waterfront property, C.J.'s assets never seem to depreciate; something tells us that even after all this time, she could rock the red spandex and little rescue board just as convincingly as ever. Long may you "run," Miss Parker – you can wade into our surf anytime.
The first five nominees in the "Totally Out of Our League" category are all worthy objects of our affection, but they certainly aren't the only unattainable women to win our hearts. Below you'll find five more hotties to consider before placing your vote.
Tea Leoni, "Flying Blind"
She was the living embodiment of every desire, subconscious or otherwise, we ever had about a woman. Alicia – time, and her limited presence on the interwebs, have lost Alicia's last name, assuming she ever had one – was the kind of creation that the Devil would come up with if he suspected someone could be persuaded into selling his soul. She wore strapless, skin-tight combos of leather and lace, had a profound grasp of her sexuality, and was drop, dead, gorgeous. (Yes, her hair looked like a hurricane, but it served as a fitting metaphor for her force-of-nature personality.) Best of all, she liked to date nerds, meaning we mere mortals had a shot with her, too. Of course, we didn't have a shot with her, but hey, a guy can dream.
Heather Thomas, "The Fall Guy"
If you look at the stats, there are far fewer stuntwomen working in Hollywood than there are stuntmen, which automatically makes Jody Banks stand out in her field. When you put her in a bikini, however, she stands out even more…to say the least. Jody's work with the legendary Colt Seavers helped her break into two industries – stunt work and bounty hunting – and he's always hovering in the background, ready to take down anyone who doesn't treat her right. As if he'd ever get the chance: this blonde bombshell is fighting fit and able to kick the ass of any guy who looks at her sideways. If you're going to pursue her, then you'd better be a gentleman about it.
Alyssa Milano, "Charmed"
If you're going to date Phoebe Halliwell, then you'd better make damned sure you've got your future mapped out, because you don't, she almost certainly does. Not only is she a witch (we're talking about supernatural abilities, not pissy personality), but she's also prone to precognition….and retrocognition, too, so you'd better make sure you don't have any skeletons in your closet, either. She comes from a family with some seriously gorgeous genes, but she and her sisters are about as tight as they come, so be prepared for a package deal. If you're the man Phoebe's foretold to be with (and, trust us, she knows if you are or not), the end experience will be nothing short of magical.
Morena Baccarin, "Firefly"
Superbly educated, trained in a host of artistic pursuits, highly respected, and able to travel in the most exclusive interplanetary realms of the ‘verse, Companion Inara Serra is to an ordinary paid escort as James Bond is to a security guard. As kind as she is beautiful, she's does not lack for the common touch and yet inspires a kind of awe in almost every man she meets – except of, course, a certain infuriating cowboy of a ship's captain who keeps ruining his chances by referring to her calling as "whoring." Some guys just can't help blowing an opportunity.
Laura Vandervoort, "Smallville"
Clark Kent's cousin was originally sent to Earth to take care of him when he was a baby, but she was stuck in suspended animation for 18 years. When she woke up, she was understandably ticked off. Obviously, dating a superhero has its benefits. Not only is she drop-dead gorgeous, she has super strength and speed, and can pretty much do everything that Clark can. Plus, she can fly, which makes it easy to spend a romantic day in Paris or Rome. It can be a little daunting to date a girl of her considerable talents, but for a secure guy, Kara would be quite the catch. Just keep her away from that damned green meteor rock.
Now that you've seen our 10 nominees in the "Totally Out of Our League" category, it's time to make your voice heard by voting for your favorite. If you need to refresh your memory before casting your ballot, click the thumbnails below to revisit each nominee's writeup. Then, come back on Monday, November 23 to see which character prevailed in the "Totally Out of Our League" voting and to place your votes in the winner's bracket to determine Bullz-Eye's Ultimate TV Girlfriend!
|The Final Catfight!|