he end is near, and so we face the final curtain of Bullz-Eye's TV Girlfriends feature, but not before we take the opportunity to enjoy the event that we've been leading up to for the last 10 months: the Final Catfight.
That's right: As if the idea that these women might actually be our girlfriends wasn't ridiculous enough, we're now taking it a step further and suggesting that they'd actually be willing to fight each other for us. But, hey, if you're going to enjoy the conceit of an idea like this one in the first place, then you've got to take it all the way to the final buzzer, baby. And, besides, you – the readers of Bullz-Eye – made it pretty clear with the number of votes cast that we weren't the only ones who were amused by the idea of whittling down our list of 100 nominees to come up with the definitive TV Girlfriend.
Looking back at the 10 battles that got us to this point, the competition was decidedly stiff, and some of the competitors we would've expected to make it to the final round ended up being soundly trounced. One vampire slayer (Buffy) got her ass kicked by a government agent in a Weinerlicious uniform, while another (Faith) had hers handed to her by a feathered-haired fox from the 1970s. A desperate housewife proved no match for a porn-loving kindergarten teacher, and even though Kelly Bundy might be one of the most classic blondes of the ‘80s and ‘80s, she nonetheless was eliminated by the big bang of a pretty young Cheesecake Factory waitress named Penny.
The time has come for you to perform your duty and vote for the Girlfriend of your choice, and let the fur fly where it may, but be sure to come back for our Victory Coronation on Dec. 28th to see who has been crowned Bullz-Eye's Ultimate TV Girlfriend!
Elisha Cuthbert, "24"
HOW SHE GOT HERE: Won the "Girls Next Door" category, 20% to 14%, over Joey Potter ("Dawson's Creek")
WHY SHE GOT HERE: Because she's gorgeous, and the idea of seducing the daughter of a law enforcement officer brings out the bad boy in everyone.
DATING PROS: She did time as a techie, so expect free, um, de-fragging. And for those who are into the sort of thing, she clearly has some daddy issues.
DATING CONS: Kim has a rather remarkable knack for getting herself kidnapped and/or arrested, often multiple times in one day. More importantly, though, she's Jack Bauer's daughter. Now there's a dad you should be scared to meet.
Mila Kunis, "That '70s Show"
HOW SHE GOT HERE: Won the "Mean Girls" category, 30% to 18%, over Faith ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer," "Angel")
WHY SHE GOT HERE: She's as pretty (and lithe) as a pixie, with the kind of eyes that, in one blink, can steal your heart away.
DATING PROS: She describes herself as "a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom." Um, sold.
DATING CONS: She's a rich, spoiled brat with an elitist personality and a tendency toward cutting remarks (often uttered with no realization to how just deadly they are) that can knock you down half a dozen pegs in the blink of an eye.
Alyson Hannigan, "How I Met Your Mother"
HOW SHE GOT HERE: Won the "Thy Neighbor's Wife" category, 27% to 26%, over Gabrielle Cortez / Lang ("Desperate Housewives")
WHY SHE GOT HERE: Not only is she as cute as a button, but we suspect there are porn stars that aren't as sexually ravenous as she is.
DATING PROS: In addition to her aforementioned attractiveness and unabashed lovability, we have to give her a thumbs-up for acknowledge her appreciation of the pornographic arts. You don't find many kindergarten teachers willing to admit that.
DATING CONS: There isn't any harder nut to crack within this or any of our lists than Lily. She's been devoted to her big lug of a husband since they met in college, and it's completely and utterly mutual.
Jennifer Aniston, "Friends"
HOW SHE GOT HERE:Won the "High Maintenance Hotties" category, 30% to 20%, over Cordelia Chase ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer," "Angel")
WHY SHE GOT HERE: She's utterly smoking' hot, and enough of a ditz that she'd grab a loosely crocheted blanket to cover up her freshly showered torso if you burst in unannounced. Homina, homina…
DATING PROS: She has a sensitive heart, and is able to successfully juggle single motherhood with a full-time career. And did we mention she's utterly smokin' hot?
DATING CONS: In the past, she has been known to be demonstrably shallow and ambition-deficient, but even after conquering those shortcoming, she's still frequently foolish, often exasperating, and has a highly troubling mean streak. (Incidentally, history suggests that Rachel would not be cool with us making a pros/cons list.)
Tina Fey, "30 Rock"
HOW SHE GOT HERE: Won the "Hot and Smart" category, 20% to 14%, over Dr. Lisa Cuddy ("House")
WHY SHE GOT HERE: With her quirky sense of humor, social ineptness and those sexy librarian glasses, Liz Lemon may be the only true-blue nerd on our list. That, of course, is anything but an insult.
DATING PROS: She'll definitely make you laugh, she loves "Star Wars" and, all things considered, she's pretty low-maintenance. Plus, Liz brings home the bacon with her cushy NBC gig.
DATING CONS: She's pretty much clueless when it comes to relationships, so you may have to do some heavy lifting. She also works a ton of hours and she's a tad baby crazy. Oh, and don't count on leaving dinner with any leftovers.
Kristen Bell, "Veronica Mars"
HOW SHE GOT HERE: Won the "Married to the Job" category, 33% to 19%, over Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan ("Bones")
WHY SHE GOT HERE: She's a gorgeous girl with a rapier-like wit and an ability to throw out pop culture references that rivals Dennis Miller's.
DATING PROS: She's hot, but she's also a woman who's quite capable of taking care of herself, and if she ever finds someone who loves her as much as she loves them, she'll stay with them forever.
DATING CONS: Between her mother's murder and her unpleasant experience while under the influence of GHB, she's definitely got a lot of baggage, but if you dare to try and give her the "poor baby" treatment, she'll kick your ass.
Emanuelle Chruiqi, "Entourage"
HOW SHE GOT HERE: Won the "Totally Out Of Our League" category, 30% to 16%, over Phoebe Halliwell ("Charmed")
WHY SHE GOT HERE: The perfect trifecta: she's sexy, smart and filthy rich.
DATING PROS: Despite not having a single diva bone in her body, she nonetheless has plenty of connections in the business, so if you're looking to break out in Tinseltown, she'd probably be willing to throw a recommendation your way.
DATING CONS: Her wannabe boyfriend, Seth Green, would bring no end of aggravation to the relationship. Plus, Sloan might just have the least sexy last name in TV history.
Kaley Cuoco, "The Big Bang Theory"
HOW SHE GOT HERE: Won the "Pretty, Vacant" category, 38% to 35%, over Kelly Bundy ("Married...With Children")
WHY SHE GOT HERE: She's friendly, funny, and looks great in a tank top, and she's so down to Earth that even a socially inept theoretical physicist has a shot with her.
DATING PROS: See the above explanation for her presence in the Final Catfight, then add in a tendency toward selflessness and a gift for giving advice.
DATING CONS: Her inability to grasp the importance of theoretical physics, the intricacies of "Star Trek," and bagging and board one's back issues of Superman may result in your invitation to the CalTech holiday party getting "lost."
Sarah Chalke, "Scrubs"
HOW SHE GOT HERE: Won the "Coworkers with Benefits" category, 36% to 19%, over Pam Beesly ("The Office")
WHY SHE GOT HERE: Her transformation from homely intern to beautiful, confident doctor over the course of the past several years.
DATING PROS: There's no denying that Elliot is one sexy woman worth dreaming about, and we're pretty sure that you can use her weird sexual fantasies to your advantage.
DATING CONS: If we'd decided to include a "Pretty, Crazy" category on our list, there's a good chance she would've ended up there instead, due to her low self-esteem, neurotic behavior, and proclivity of hooking up with her co-workers.
Yvonne Strahovski, "Chuck"
HOW SHE GOT HERE: Won the "Fox Force Five" category, 38% to 18%, over Buffy Summers ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer")
WHY SHE GOT HERE: She's got a great figure, a smile that's simultaneously sweet and seductive, and looks damned good in a Weinerlicious uniform.
DATING PROS: Sarah is honest, fiercely loyal, and hotter than an all-night Foxy Boxing tournament, with a mean right hook and a devastating roundhouse kick to boot.
DATING CONS: She's a little too serious sometimes, and as a government agent, she's about as unavailable as any woman can be. (It's a line of work that doesn't exactly lend itself to a stable relationship, you know.)
Now that you've thoroughly examined and carefully considered the credentials of all 10 of our finalists, it's time to do your part in crowning Bullz-Eye's Ultimate TV Girlfriend. Place your vote below and check back on Monday, Dec. 28 to see who prevailed!
|Totally Out of Our League||Victory Coronation|