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07/27/2007
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We’re not even going to mince words on this: we’re positively geeked for “The Simpsons Movie” to come out (“Spider-pig, spider-pig. Does whatever a spider-pig does.”), and the news that they brought back the “golden years” writers to work on the script caused us to swell with emotion. In tribute to the show’s spectacular list of guest performers, we have assembled a list of our favorite guest bits from the show’s early run, an actor for each minute of the movie’s 87-minute running time. Enjoy, and no, Daryl Strawberry’s never met you, but…yes.
1. Albert Brooks
CHARACTER: Cowboy Bob, owner of Bob’s RV round-up, and the man who sells the Simpson family the best mobile home that a guy with a credit score like Homer’s can buy.
EPISODE: “The Call of the Simpsons” (Season 1)
| Homer: (After a siren goes off on Cowboy Bob’s computer) Is that good? Cowboy Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind telling me, ‘Sell the vehicle to this fella and you're out of business!’ That's what the siren says. It seems the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range, and ‘wee bit’ is me being polite. You couldn't afford this thing if you lived to be a million. |
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CHARACTER: Jacques, a fast-moving French bowler who attempts to woo Marge.
EPISODE: “Life on the Fast Lane” (Season 1)
| Jacques: (On brunch) It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. | |
CHARACTER: Brad Goodman, a self-help guru who’s convinced that Bart holds the secret to Springfield’s emotional well-being.
EPISODE: “Bart’s Inner Child” (Season 5)
| Brad Goodman: Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications. Well, I may not have a lot of "credentials" or "training", but I tell you one thing: I'm a Ph.D. in pain. Now let me show you how you can change your life. (Walks up to a blackboard, draws a circle) Troy, this circle is you.
Troy McClure: My God, it's like you've known me all my life! |
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CHARACTER: Hank Scorpio, Homer’s boss during his brief stint with the Globex Corporation, and a guy who in no way resembles a Bond villain.
EPISODE: “You Only Move Twice” (Season 8)
| Hank Scorpio: If you need anything, you call me.
Homer: All right. What's the number? Hank Scorpio: I've never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot. |
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CHARACTER: Tab Spangler, a former junk food magnate who’s now running Serenity Ranch, a maximum-security fat camp.
EPISODE: “The Heartbroke Kid” (Season 16)
| Tab Spangler: (To Bart ) Son, I'm gonna tell you a story about a young man who came here and failed. Well, that is the story. I shouldn't call a sentence a story. Anyway, it's you! | |
2. Danny DeVito
CHARACTER: Herb Powell, Homer’s long-lost half-brother and a millionaire automaker who, within days of their first meeting, Homer manages to completely bankrupt.
EPISODES: “Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?” (Season 2), “Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?” (Season 3)
| Lisa: Why didn't you write, Unckie Herb?
Herb: Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow, thanks to your pop?" |
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3. Harvey Fierstein
CHARACTER: Karl, who serves as Homer’s executive assistant after he grows a full head of hair via a new anti-baldness drug called Dimoxinil (which he pays for by bilking the company insurance plan, naturally).
EPISODE: “Simpson & Delilah” (Season 2)
| Karl: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out.
Homer: Gasp! Who told you? Karl: You did. You told with me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain-basement lime-green polyester. |
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4. Jon Lovitz
CHARACTER: Artie Ziff, the nerdy brain who serves as Marge’s date to her high school prom
EPISODES: “The Way We Was” (Season 2), “Half-Decent Proposal” (Season 13), “The Ziff Who Came to Dinner” (Season 15)
| Artie: Marge, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about my busy hands. Not so much for myself, but I am so respected, it would damage the TOWN to hear it. Good night! | |
CHARACTER: Professor Lombardo, who serves as Marge’s art instructor when she decides to return to her love of painting.
EPISODE: “Brush with Greatness” (Season 2)
| Professor Lombardo: Bravo! Walk away from it. Now it belongs to the ages. You! Not another stroke! Oh well, maybe one more, that's it! Perfect! | |
CHARACTER: Aristotle Amadopolous, owner of the Shelbyville Nuclear Power Plant.
EPISODE: “Homer Defined” (Season 3)
| Aristotle Amadopolous: As I look out into this sea of smiling faces, I am filled with a sense of…loathing and revulsion! You are not workers! You are a pack of mangy, cud-chewing, ugly goats! | |
CHARACTER: Llewellyn Sinclair, who directed Marge in the musical version of “A Streetcar Named Desire” (entitled “Oh! Streetcar!”).
EPISODE: “A Streetcar Named Marge” (Season 4)
| Llewellyn Sinclair: I am not an easy man to work for. While directing “Hats off to Chanukah,” I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review, “Play enjoyed by all,” speaks for itself. | |
5. Ringo Starr
EPISODE: “Brush with Greatness” (Season 2)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: Back in the ‘60s, Marge painted a portrait of Ringo and sent it to him, and due to the backlog of fan mail, he’s just getting around to writing her a thank-you letter.
| Ringo Starr: (In voiceover) Dear Marge. Thanks for the fab painting of Yours Truly. I hung it on me wall. You're quite an artist. In answer to your question, yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England. But we call French fries 'chips'. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply. | |
6. Dustin Hoffman
CHARACTER: Mr. Bergstrom, Lisa’s substitute teacher.
EPISODE: “Lisa’s Substitute” (Season 2)
| Mr. Bergstrom: For the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen. Big guys who were great shots and spent money freely. | |
7. Michael Jackson
CHARACTER: Leon Kompowski, a large white man who believes he’s Michael Jackson.
EPISODE: “Stark Raving Dad” (Season 3)
| Homer: If you ever find your marbles, come visit us.
Leon Kompowski: Well, how about today? I'm only here voluntarily. Homer: You are!? Why? Leon Kompowski: Well, back in 1979, I got real depressed when my Off the Wall album just got one lousy Grammy nomination. |
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8. Magic Johnson
EPISODE: “Homer Defined” (Season 3)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: After Homer receives the nuclear power plant’s Employee of the Month award for stopping a meltdown – one that he set into motion in the first place, naturally – Mr. Burns arranges for a congratulatory phone call from Johnson.
| Homer: Yello?
Magic Johnson: Is this really Homer Simpson? Homer: Yeah. Magic Johnson: Wow. Homer, I just used our last time-out to call and congratulate you on averting that nuclear holocaust. |
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9. Jackie Mason
CHARACTER: Rabbi Hyman Krustofski, father of Herschel Krustofski (a.k.a. Krusty the Klown), and all-around man of wisdom.
EPISODES: “Like Father, Like Clown” (Season 3), “Today I Am A Clown” (Season 15)
| Man on street: Should I buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Krustofski: Couldn’t you rephrase that as an ethical question? Man on Street: (Thinks) Is it right to buy a Chrysler? Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering, and dynaflow suspension! |
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10. Aerosmith (Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, Brad Whitford, Tom Hamilton and Joey Kramer)
EPISODE: “Flaming Moe’s” (Season 3)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: Homer invents a new drink called The Flaming Homer, but Moe promptly steals the recipe, changes the name to The Flaming Moe, and it becomes such a sensation that even Aerosmith is hanging out at Moe’s.
| Steven Tyler: Hello, St. Looooooouuuuuuuiiiiiiisssssss!
Joe Perry: Uhhh, that's Springfield, Steven. Steven Tyler: Oh, yeah, right. |
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11. Sting
EPISODE: “Radio Bart” (Season 3)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: Bart is trapped in a well, and Krusty the Klown decides to record a charity single to help the cause, calling upon his old buddy Sting to assist.
| Sting: Yeah, I used to open for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me, as I recall.
Krusty: (Laughing) Sting.... Sting: But this isn't about show-business. This is about some kid down a hole, or something, and we all have to do what we can. |
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