Interview with my insurance guy. Also known as my brother-in-law. Also known as the luckiest bastard on earth.

Interview with my insurance guy. Also known as my brother-in-law. Also known as the luckiest bastard on earth.

Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

ME:

Hi. And you would be?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I'm the guy who's married to your sister.

ME:

Oh, right. My insurance guy. You.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Would you like me to conduct the interview?

ME:

Let's make one thing clear. You're the insurance salesman in Buffalo. The straight guy. 

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Can we keep this moving along, please? I actually have a job.

ME:

I'm not sure what you're implying by that, but I don't like it one bit.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

So the reason we're here….

ME:

So the reason we're here is that you are without question the luckiest bastard on earth.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I can in no way refute that claim.


ME:

If you don't mind, please take us back in time.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Well, it was the winter of '63. I was a small boy standing near a tree when….

ME:

Not that far back.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

About two weeks ago, my brother called me. My brother, by the way, is a programming executive at A&E, the television network.

ME:

At least one of you amounted to something.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Listen, some people are born with the gift of entertaining others. I was born with the gift of computing deductibles for non-smokers over the age of 40.

ME:

Um, remember the no-joke thing?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Sorry. Anyway, I get a phone call from him on a Wednesday night. He said, "Hey, so we're shooting a special on the fiftieth anniversary Playboy party next week. And I said, "Good for you. So?" And he said, "I've got two tickets for the party at the Playboy Mansion. Wanna go?" And I said, "Good for me."

ME:

So then you immediately called my sister to see if you could go?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

No, the first thing I do is call my mother who's a travel agent to see if she could get me a flight.

ME:

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You were invited to the Playboy Mansion and you didn't call your wife first to be granted permission?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

The plan, my son. The plan. So my mother called me and said she found a flight from Buffalo to LA. Then I called home and said, "Honey, I've been presented with a wonderful opportunity to spend some quality time with my older brother. The brother I never see."

ME:

That's pure genius.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

What can I say? I spend my life trying to convince people to buy things they don't really need. 

ME:

Like the boat insurance you sold me?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

It's a good policy.

ME:

I don't have a boat.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Oh. Right. So anyway, I got to LA on Friday night. I met my brother at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. We had a drink in the bar. We saw Peter Jennings. Then we went out to eat at the world famous Ivy Restaurant. I saw Edgar Winter there.

ME:

How did you know it was Edgar Winter?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Because I'm pretty sure he's the only albino on Earth who could afford to eat in the Ivy. 

ME:

Good point.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

The next morning I got up and I had a total LA breakfast -- yogurt, granola and fruit.

ME:

So you'd been there for like 15 hours and you were completely buying into the LA scene.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Like, totally dude.

ME:

And if you were back home in Buffalo, your breakfast would've been what?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Bacon, sausage, Eggs Benedict. Then, some more bacon.

ME:

I love bacon.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

So after breakfast, we walked around LA and did a little shopping. Because I still needed a shirt for the party.

ME:

Two pale, bald, Jewish guys walking around Beverly Hills.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Not a good look. 

ME:

So did you find a shirt?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I found a perfect black shirt. 

ME:

Black shirt. Black pants. Bald head. Pale skin.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Like I said, not a good look. 

ME:

Amen.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Then after shopping, we went back to the hotel and hung by the pool for awhile. This was when by brother had "The Talk" with me.

ME:

You mean about acting appropriately, not making an idiot out of yourself and not drinking too much?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

No, it was about how I needed a new persona for the party. He said, and I quote, "I have no intention of being seen at the Fiftieth anniversary Playboy party at the Playboy Mansion with an insurance salesman from Buffalo, New York.

ME:

Your family is so proud of you, aren't they?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Can I interest you in some casualty insurance?

ME:

So who did you become?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Hi, I'm Stuart, the Architect for the Stars.

ME:

Nice.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Hi, I'm Stuart, Marine Biologist.

ME:

Nice.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Hi, I'm Stuart, Geologist.

ME:

Nice.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Hi, I'm Stuart, Astronaut.

ME:

Well, which one were you?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I figured I'd play it by ear, depending on the person I was talking to.

ME:

But you don't know anything about any of those things to sound credible.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

True. But I figured it this way: it was a party at the Playboy Mansion! There wasn't going to be anyone there who knew anything about any of those things, either. And if I was challenged, well, I'd just BS my way through it. "Hi, I'm Stuart, I'm an astronaut. Sadly, the space shuttle is grounded right now, so there's not much to talk about."

ME:

You're my hero.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Yeah, I get that a lot.

ME:

So then you went to the Mansion.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Not yet. First I went to workout at the hotel. I get there and the guy at the desk in the workout room said, "You just missed Anna Kournikova and Enrique Iglesias."

ME:

So you said, "Darn it," and then went to work out.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Close. I said, "Which direction did she go in?" And then I searched all over the hotel for her.

ME:

You are one highly-motivated exercise machine.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

You don't look like this by just thinking about exercise.

ME:

By the way, how many times had you called your wife at that point?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Who?

ME:

That's what I thought.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

At this point, it was finally time to go.

ME:

The Playboy Mansion.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

The Playboy Mansion. A private car picked us up. We drove up to this very private wooded drive. They checked our names, and let us in.

ME:

I hate you.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I've been getting that a lot lately, too.

ME:

Continue. 

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

So we walk in, and within thirty seconds, these two naked women walk right by us and jump into a pool.

ME:

I'm sure they were ugly.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Horrible. Sickeningly disgusting. No one ever needs to see anything like that again.

ME:

You poor guy. 

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

As they jumped in the pool, my brother looked at me and said, "You owe me so big."

ME:

You do, you know.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Yeah, I know. Maybe I'll take him to an insurance underwriter's convention in Boise.

ME:

Maybe he's busy that day.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

So after we finished licking the side of the pool where the girls jumped in, we walked over and met Hugh. He was very nice and cordial. Smoking jacket. The whole thing. We took a few pictures and then we took a few more pictures with some of the Playboy bunnies roaming around.

ME:

All cute?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

You know, they were all very nice and friendly. But not really my taste.

ME:

SILENCE.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Yeah, you're not the first person who hasn't bought that one.

ME:

Then what?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Then we took some pictures with the four topless mermaids sitting by the pool.

ME:

Of course. Why would a mermaid need clothes?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I've never had such a big smile for a camera in my life.

ME:

Y'know, these photos are going to go so well next to the ones of you and the kids at Disney.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

It was amazing. Everywhere you looked, there were celebrities. Drew Carey. Jenny McCarthy.

ME:

Was she blonde or brunette?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

She's a blonde again. Amazingly cute. Great personality. She looked very good.

ME:

Did you talk to her? Or was she not your type either?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I looked at her. Does that count?

ME:

Close enough. Anyone else?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Let's see. I saw Jimmy Kimmel, Alyssa Milano, Kelsey Grammer. Oh, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pushed me out of his way.

ME:

I still think he was jobbed out of an Oscar in Airplane.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Then, the music started. Chicago was playing. I was way in the back and I started inching close to the stage and the next thing I know, I was standing right near the front. I looked over and guess who was standing next to me.

ME:

Bea Arthur?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Pamela Anderson.

ME:

What was she wearing? And talk slowly.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

A skirt and this black meshy shirt thing. She's actually prettier in person that she is on film.

ME:

No one needs to hear that.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

She was standing next to this guy and I knew I knew the guy, but I couldn't figure out who it is. Finally, it hit me.

ME:

Bea Arthur?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Dave Matthews. 

ME:

Whatever. So exactly how close were you to her?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

One foot. Max.

ME:

That is so not right.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Wait, it gets better. So then this girl comes by painted like a cheetah. She's totally naked under the paint. And she's carrying around a tray of jello shots.

ME:

What exactly do you mean by naked?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

So I grabbed a jello shot and handed it to Pam.

ME:

You called her Pam. So at this point you're friends?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

She took the shot and said, "What's this?" and I said, "It's a jello shot." So she handed it to Dave Matthews. I took another one and handed it to her. Then I took another one for myself. And the three of us clinked glasses and drank.

ME:

You did a jello shot with Pamela Anderson and Dave Matthews.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I did a jello shot with Pamela Anderson and Dave Matthews.

ME:

You realize you can now die in peace.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I know, that's why I walked away.

ME:

Because?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Because I wanted to play it cool.

ME:

Plus, the next time you're at a party with her, she'll think, "Hey, that's the guy who gave me a jello shot and just walked away from me at the Playboy Mansion."

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Yes that's correct. I did it for the next time I see her at a party.

ME:

Anyone else?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I ran into Melissa Rivers.

ME:

I'm sorry.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I can't believe I'm saying this, but she looked very cute.

ME:

How many drinks had you had by this point?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I lost count.

ME:

I rest my case.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Good point. 

ME:

Okay, who else?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Who didn't I see? The Osbourne kids. David Hasselhoff. Matthew Perry. John Salley. Everybody and anybody.

ME:

Not bad for an insurance guy from Buffalo.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

So at one point, I was sitting on a couch when these two stunningly beautiful women sat down near me. 

ME:

Thank you, God.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Exactly. One of them asked me if I'd save their seats because they were going to get a drink. Hmmm, let me think about it. Yes.

ME:

Life is full of difficult decisions.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

So they came back and -- shocker! -- I found out they were models. One was from Germany. The other from Finland. We were talking and talking and finally one of them says to me, "So what do you do?"

ME:

Suddenly, Plan B kicks in.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Hi, I'm Stuart, I'm the architect to the Stars."

ME:

Perfect.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

They asked, "Have you done anything we've ever seen?" I said, "Well, I primarily work on private homes of $5 million or more. I don't have one particular style. I work within the confines of my client's needs and try to create an environment that's both functional and unconventional."

ME:

I love you.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

I was so good, I was believing me. So while I was making this whole thing up, I didn't realize it, but my brother's boss was there. He was watching me and he was amazed that I was somehow charming these two beautiful girls. He apparently thought I needed some help, because he walked over, gave me a hug and said, "Your project is fantastic!" And then he walked away.

ME:

Your project?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Right. My project. Of course the girls said, "What's your project?" I said, "Well, along with being the architect to the stars, I also write screenplays."

ME:

Watch closely, as I pull something out of my butt.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

So they said, "Have you done anything we've seen?" Well your sister and I saw this obscure movie a couple of weeks ago. So I told them I wrote that movie. They both said they'd heard of it. I said, "You must go see my film." 

ME:

Hi, I'm Stuart, architect to the stars and internationally renowned screenplay writer.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Can I interest you in some indemnity insurance?

ME:

Please. Continue.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

All of a sudden they were like, "We've got to get some pictures of this guy. This guy is famous. This guy could make us."

ME:

And after he makes us, this guy could build our house.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Exactly. 

ME:

What time did this whole bash end?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

Well, around 1 AM my brother came by and said we had to go.

ME:

Suddenly, Cinderella turns back into the ugly stepsister.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

While we were waiting for the car, I looked over and Anna Nicole Smith was waiting for her car, too. I asked her if we could take a picture and she said sure. She gave me a nice big hug.

ME:

Emphasis on big.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

She looks like she's lost a lot of weight. And she's actually very pretty.

ME:

Well, well, well. That was quite a night for Stuart the insurance executive.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

You mean architect. And yes, it was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

ME:

Seriously, how many insurance salesmen get to go to the Playboy Mansion?

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

You mean screenplay writers.

ME:

Whatever. I'll see you later.

THE LUCKIEST BASTARD ON EARTH:

By the way, I also wanted to talk to you about something else. I think you need some more homeowners insurance.

ME:

Talk to my astronaut.


If you want to try and see the bald, Jewish guy for yourself, Playboy's Fiftieth Anniversary Celebration will be on A&E on Sunday, December 7 at 8 PM.

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