Day in the Life of America. For me
To me, there's nothing more relaxing than starting the day with a few moments of intimacy with the person you love. I think it's a wonderful way to not only help you feel refreshed and invigorated, but also a terrific opportunity to share some passion and develop a sense of togetherness. The kind of togetherness we all long for in our lives, yet only a fortunate few of us actually find. And as you can see, while my wife has graciously chosen to decline my offer at this time, I know deep in her heart, she feels as strongly about me as I do about her. Somewhere. Deep in her heart. I think.
This is my girlfriend, Ivory. Often when my wife feels the time is inappropriate for a few moments of intimacy, I find myself turning to my Ivory. The thing I like the most about Ivory is that she doesn't talk much, she's always there for me and she knows exactly what I like. In the history of girlfriends, she's a pretty good girlfriend. Plus, she also doesn't have a problem scrubbing my armpits when we're done.
For Ivory and I, this is our bed. This is where the magic happens. The love. The ecstasy. It's a nice bed, but sometimes I wish we had a bit more privacy. Like a frosted glass door, maybe. A video monitor would be nice, too.
They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day and I couldn't agree more. As you can see, that's why I always start my morning with a health-conscious and nutritious meal. It gives me the energy I need to get through the rigors and daily grind of life. And frankly, nothing helps me get through the rigors and daily grind of life better than cocoa butter, soy lecithin, modified wheat starch, partially hydrogenated oil, and mono and diglycerides. My doctor says that sometimes I have too much soy lecithin. What can I say? I have a thing for lecithin. Top of the morning to you!
I believe knowledge is the first step to being a well-rounded person. Before I venture out, I always like to catch up with what's going on around the globe. I consider myself an avid reader of the newspaper. I'm someone who enjoys reading everything from the front page to the back page, soaking in all the information each and every day. By becoming well-versed in a myriad of topics, I'm able to participate in any conversation and discuss virtually any current topic with more than a minimal amount of knowledge.
For example, can you believe this idiot Forrest Hills moron shows up in Dawn's life after dropping out of sight for six months? Loser. Also, why is he wearing his coat draped over his shoulders? That's such an I'm-not-a-cool-cartoon look. Also, why does Dawn have such a bad haircut? Also, what makes Forrest Hills think he's going to get anywhere by referring to Dawn's life as a "lackluster existence?" Also, why isn't Mary Worth in the comic strip, Mary Worth? Also, why in the heck can't I find the page with the Jumble?
What's that you say? How do I feel about Bosnia? I feel that…hey, look…Marmaduke!
Well, this is where it all happens. This is where inspiration is put into words. Where the simplicity of a single idea is expanded upon to create this column twice a month. This is where 2,000 words come to life. I like to call this room my Temple of Typing. But my wife thinks that's pretty much the dumbest thing she's ever heard. So now I just call it the front room of the house.
Sometimes, before I actually get started writing, I like to relax a bit. Take some of the edge off, if you will. I find playing a game or two is a great way to relieve stress and help be more focused with the task at hand. Which happens to be coming up with 2,000 words to amuse and entertain people.
This is me about an hour after the previous photo. Sometimes, even though I want to quit after a game or two, I've got a really good score on Super Mario 3. And while some may argue that's just an excuse and I'm clearly procrastinating, that's simply not true. The bottom line is, sometimes you've got a really good score going on Super Mario 3, y'know?
I'm old school. And while I do a great deal of work on our computer, I like to get started with a simple pad and paper. As you can see, this is me about to start what I hope will be another brilliant column. Another 2,000 words that will challenge and bring a smile to everyone who reads it. Another insightful look at my world, which is your world, which is our world. Another chance to bring a moment of pleasure to someone during the course of their hard-working day. I take great pride in what I do. And I put maximum effort in every word I write.
Sometimes, the pressure of having to pull 2,000 words out of your ass can get to you after awhile, y'know? Some people drink to handle stress. Others take drugs. For me, I enjoy spending time helping a little animated guy who looks exactly like Ron Jeremy jumping over things.
This is right after I asked my wife if she could make me some lunch. This is her special way of saying, "Hon, I'd love to make you something to eat. But I'm a bit busy right. It's not that I don't love you. I care about you deeply. It's just that, y'know, I'm busy. I do love you, though."
After I gave my wife a kiss for being so supportive, she suggested a place I should go to the next time I ask her to make me lunch. As you can see, I chose instead to go to the freezer. Stouffers. Yummy. Wasn't that sweet of her to buy those for me? She's so sweet.
This is me looking at the grass in our backyard. While the neighbor to my left and the neighbor to my right and the neighbor behind were all cutting their grass at the time of this photo, I was looking at my grass and feeling perhaps it's unfair of mankind to inflict such harm on these unsuspecting blades. Is not grass a living thing as well? Who are we to decide what is an appropriate length of growth? Why should I succumb to the pressures of our community and trim my grass to a perceived socially acceptable height?
Also, if I don't do it today, my wife will probably do it tomorrow while I'm at the office. And while I know she'll complain about, still, 10 minutes of listening to her bitch is better than an hour of cutting.
Before getting back to work, I like to relax and ease my mind of the pressures of trying to find 2,000 words that will amuse and entertain the masses.
This is me looking at our phone that's ringing. And since the phone has caller ID, I can see it's my wife, so I've chosen not to answer because I don't really need to hear about why she needs the new black shoes she's looking at that are 50% TODAY ONLY! And that she needs them very badly. And also, we could really use the new $250 comforter cover she just saw and if she signs up for a credit card she gets 10% off her purchase TODAY ONLY and trust her, this is a really good deal. And also, her mother is driving her crazy.
This is me listening to my wife's message: "Where the hell are you? Why aren't you answering the phone? I know you're sitting there, you bastard. Anyway, I'm looking at these new black shoes and I need them badly. They're 50% TODAY ONLY! Also, I just saw a new $250 comforter cover and if I sign up for a credit card I'll get 10% off my purchase TODAY ONLY and trust me this is a really good deal. Also, my mother is driving me crazy. Where in the hell are you, you bastard?"
This is me, hoping our cute 27-year-old next-door neighbor is bending over pulling weeds again just like she did yesterday.
This is me, spending some quality time with the kids. To me, I don't just like to play with our children. I see every interaction as an opportunity to challenge their thinking and teach them a lesson that will help to further their life experiences. For example, when an eight comes up on the turn of the fourth card and the dealer starts betting heavy, you've got to be a stupid moron to call, because chances are the dealer's got at least one eight. Or as you can see here, a pair of eights. You lose, loser kids. Which to me is an important lesson to teach: Accept losing like I have. Rest assured, however, I would never take money from my children. Unless there was more than three dollars in the pot. In which case, they need to learn another harsh reality of gambling: Allowance only comes once a week.
This is me helping my wife get ready to cook another one of her delicious meals for the family.
This is me about to get back to work after dinner. Moments after this photo was taken, I heard lightning outside our home, so I thought it best not to be near any type of electrical equipment. I decided to leave everything the way it was so I could continue the pursuit of those magical 2,000 words tomorrow. Fortunately, I only have 2,000 more words to go. And by the way, when I say I thought it best to not be near any type of electrical equipment, I wasn't counting the TV.
To me, there's nothing more relaxing than ending the day with a few moments of intimacy with the person you love. I think it's a wonderful way to not only help you feel refreshed and invigorated, but also a terrific opportunity to share some passion and develop a sense of togetherness. The kind of togetherness we all long for in our lives, yet only a fortunate few of us actually find. And as you can see, while my wife has graciously chosen to decline my offer at this time, I know deep in her heart, she feels as strongly about me as I do about her. Somewhere. Deep in her heart. I think.
Ivory, my dear. Where are you?