Put up or shut up time

Put up or shut up time

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You get tired of all the name calling after awhile, y'know? 




I mean, how many times can I tell my kids to leave me alone? 

And my wife and my boss and my next door neighbor and my mailman and the dog across the street who always stares at me.

Well, I'm sick of it. Sick of it. 

I mean, I 'm not that bad. 

So what if I put a chair together once and my wife looked at it and said, "I like it. But shouldn't the legs go on the bottom?"

So what if when someone talks about politics, I just nod my head and say, "Man, I hear what you're saying." Only because I have no idea what they're talking about

So what if the only reason the dog across the street is staring at me is because I was staring at him first?

I'm not stupid. I'm just not smart. 

And while I might not be the sharpest knife hidden inside some homeboy's pant leg, still, I can hold my own.

And now, finally, I'm going to prove it once and for all.

Because right here, right now, I'm going to take an IQ test. 

And while you might think IQ stands for Intelligence Quotient, I see it as the Instant Quieter.

Today I'm going to debunk the myth. I'm going to demonstrate my keen sense of logic. And I'm going to put the rest the belief that I'm the dumbest man alive.

I'm sick of it. Do you understand? Sick of it. I'm not dumb.

There's only one b in dumb, right?


*Two girls caught 25 frogs. Lisa caught four times as many as Jen did. How many frogs did Jen catch? 


I'm pretty sure the answer is 5. And I personally think Lisa's a bitch for keeping all the frogs to herself.

*Even the most ___________ rose has thorns. 

The answer is Noxious. Because in Kentucky, they have a lot of roses. And outside of Fort Noxious some prickly rose bushes.

* LIVED is to DEVIL as 6323 is to: 

They're clearly referring to the DEVIL as some one who LIVED. However, by saying he LIVED, they're implying he died. But the devil isn't dead, he just went down to Georgia. And since one of the area codes of Georgia is 706, and 7+0+6=13, the answer must have to add up to 13. Like…6232. 

6232. Final answer.

Oh, one more thing.

Is it too early to say, "Who you're daddy?"

* HAND is to Glove as HEAD is to 

Trick question. It's not just that a glove goes on a hand. That's too easy. It's also that the "G" of glove comes before the "H" in hand. So the correct answer would have to be something that you would put on your head that also starts with the letter "G." Like, y'know "gel," or a "green hat," or "girl's genitalia." And since there aren't any, I guess I'm supposed to leave it blank. 

These people. They can't fool me.

* is to * as * is to:


Obviously, these are all famous sets of breasts. The first set is Madonna. The second, Pamela Anderson. The third, Bea Arthur. So I bet A is the answer because it reminds everyone of Pamela Anderson again. And who doesn't like to be reminded of that?

* John likes 400 but not 300; he likes 100 but not 99; he likes 2500 but not 2400. Which does he like? 

Um, okay. A couple of questions before we begin.

1. Who likes numbers?
2. Who likes numbers enough to determine a difference between liking 400 but not liking 300?
3. And who, even if they did like numbers, would give permission to an IQ test to use their name and publicly admit they like the number 2500?


JOHN: Hey Bobby, what's going on?

BOBBY: Ah, nothing. Just listening to some Incubus. I like them a lot. How about you?

JOHN: Oh, I'm just looking at this piece of paper with the number 400 on it. I like the number 400 a lot.

BOBBY: Freak.

And so, since John's some kooky weird number stalker, I'm not going to even waste my time trying to figure out what bizarre logic he's using to like which number. So I'm just going with 1000 because that's one of my favorite numbers.

But that's only between us.

* Which number should come next? 144 121 100 81 64? 

Obviously the answer is 50. Because on the night of January 17, 1950, a group of armed, masked men pulled off the Brinks Robbery in Boston, dragging bags containing $1,218,211.29 in cash and $1,557,183.83 in checks, money orders and other securities. Now if you divide 1,557,183.83 by 1,218,211.29, you get 1.27854. Interestingly, while some people might think the answer is supposed to be 49 (7 x 7), it's not, but 49 is still important. You see, Wendell Tyler used to be a running back for the 49ers and his number was 26. Not so coincidentally, if you take 1.27854 and add up the 2, 7, 8, 5 and 4, you get 26, which thereby eliminates the 27854 part of 1.27854, leaving you with 1. Hence, the answer is not the obvious 49, but rather 49 + 1= 50.

That friends, is a beautiful mind.

* If you rearrange the letters "ANLDEGN," you would have the name of a(n): 

The answer is animal.

I don't really know how they knew this, but when I was growing up, we had a pet goldfish named Gnanled. 

That's the odd thing about these tests. Sometimes, you need brains to know the answer. Sometimes all you need is a small glass bowl filled with water and coral.

* A fallacious argument is: 

How should I know? Who talks like this? 

If someone told me we were having a fallacious argument, I'm afraid I'd have to start another argument, because no one would get away with calling my argument fallacious without me fighting back.


OTHER PERSON: Please, you have such a fallacious argument.

ME: Oh yeah? Well…your regorstfinling doesn't make much sense, either.

Fallacious, fallacious, fallacious. Um…I'm going with false, because it starts with the same three letters. 

Also, that's where I ended on eenie meenie miney mo.

* NASA received three messages in a strange language from a distant planet. The scientists studied the messages and found that "Necor Buldon Slock" means "Danger Rocket Explosion" and "Edwan Mynor Necor" means "Danger Spaceship Fire" and "Buldon Gimilzor Gondor" means "Bad Gas Explosion." What does "Slock" mean? 

My first question is, were the messages spoken or written? If they were spoken, how do we know they got the correct spelling? And if they were written, is it weird to anyone else that the messages were written using an Earth-based alphabet? Also, what did they get on their SATs? 

At any rate, I've never been really good with foreign languages, especially ones from a different solar system. But by using innate logic, I'm guessing "Slock" means Gas. Because slock sounds like sock and a lot of my socks are in the same drawer as my underwear and I usually release a lot of gas into my underwear. 

I also have a lot of gas in my car, but that wasn't one of the choices.

* Ann is taller than Jill, and Kelly is shorter than Ann. Which of the following statements would be most accurate? 
Kelly is taller than Jill 
Kelly is shorter than Jill 
Kelly is as tall as Jill 
It's impossible to tell 

I would have to say that it's impossible to tell, unless I saw them both standing next to each other. 

Naked. Kissing.

* A boy is 4 years old and his sister is three times as old as he is. When the boy is 12 years old, how old will his sister be? 

Why are all the math problems so complicated? 

Why can't they ask questions like: 

"If Billy got on a bus at 4:30 which was traveling at 30 MPH, and Billy lived 5 miles away, how long will it take for Billy to get the crap beaten out of him by his old man because he was supposed to be home by 4:00?"

Nevertheless, while I think the answer is supposed to be that his sister will be 20, I'm going with 28 because girls mature faster.

* A car traveled 28 miles in 30 minutes. How many miles per hour was it traveling? 

The answer has to be 28. Because the question says the car traveled 28 miles in 30 minutes. It didn't say anything about the car going anywhere over the next 30 minutes. 

Tricky? Not for someone like me. Which is why I'd like to say to all those people who've told me I don't have half a brain…nah nah nana nah nah.

I do so have half a brain.

* If all Zips are Zoodles, and all Zoodles are Zonkers, then all Zips are definitely Zonkers.

The above sentence is logically: 

This is one of those A=B, then B=C kind of questions. There's a trick to answering these. They always try to confuse you by using odd words to throw you off, when in reality, if you rephrase the question in simple terms you can understand, it's actually quite easy.


The original: 

If all Zips are Zoodles, and all Zoodles are Zonkers, then all Zips are definitely Zonkers.

And now, rephrased in a way I can understand:

If all Britneys with snakes around their necks are Britneys in schoolgirl outfits, and all Britneys in schoolgirl outfits are Britneys in a red leather cat suit, then all Britneys with snakes around their necks are definitely Britneys in a red leather cat suit.

And so, the answer is true.

Let this be a lesson to you: Do as I say. And do as I do. 

* In a race from point X to point Y and back, Jack averages 30 miles per hour to point Y and 10 miles per hour back to point X. Sandy averages 20 miles per hour in both directions. Between Jack and Sandy, who finished first? 
They tie 
Impossible to tell 

Jack. It has nothing to do with the 30 miles per hour and the point X's and Y's, and everything to do with the fact that Jack is faster because he's a boy. 

Unless Sandy is a boy. Then they'd tie.


Well friends. That was the last question. 

Before I show you the results of my exam, I have four simple words:

Let. The. Apologies. Begin.

Congratulations, Lane!
Your IQ score is 81 

This number is the result of a formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on our IQ Test.

Our analyses indicate that your Intellectual Type is: Precision Processor. This means that among other things, you have superior skill in mathematics.

Well, well well. 

A Precision Processor. A Precision Processor. 

A processor of precise things. 

Precisely processing precise things. Processing with precise precision.

If anyone needs something to be processed with precision, and you think I'm the man, you're correct.


I've also learned I'm less than 100 IQ points away from genius status. And mind you, I didn't even study. That test was done totally on instinct.

I think I've proven my point.

From now on, I would hope everyone would please leave me alone. 

Please, go criticize someone else. Someone dumb.

I think my score of 81 is conclusive proof I'm so much more than one of those good- looking guys who dresses nicely but has nothing to say.

I think I've shown I'm not dumb. I'm smart, dammit.

Dammit, I'm smart. Smart.

Smart smart smart smart smart smart smart smart smart smart.

Now if I could only get that dog to quit staring back at me. 

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