Why yes, you can help me
09/27/2002
Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
Phone ringing.
SALES PERSON: Thank you for calling Home Shopping.
ME: Hi, I have a question about a product I saw today.
SALES PERSON: May I have the product number sir?
ME: 107-534
SALES PERSON: That would be the Proactiv Solution Acne four-piece treatment system.
ME: Yes, ma'am.
SALES PERSON: How may I help you?
ME: Is this product for men, too?
SALES PERSON: Oh, certainly sir. Anyone can use it.
ME: And does it have to be used on your face?
SALES PERSON: I don't think so, sir.
ME: The thing is, I have severe acne on my back. It's really bad.
SALES PERSON: I'm sorry sir.
ME: It hurts like you have no idea.
SALES PERSON: This system should help.
ME: I have to wear dark shirts because when my pimples get all red and pussy, they pop and there's blood all over my shirt. You're not eating lunch, are you?
SALES PERSON: No I'm not, sir. As I said, this product should help.
ME: Does it come with some sort of applicator?
SALES PERSON: I'm not sure what you mean.
ME: Well, the acne is all in the center of my back where I can't really reach.
SALES PERSON: According to information I'm looking at, the system doesn't come with anything to apply the product with. But I would suggest any sort of soft brush around your home would probably work well.
ME: Y'know, I do have a toilet brush in my bathroom that I've hardly ever used. I could clean it off, I suppose. Would that work?
SALES PERSON: I don't see why not. Any type of brush that will hold fluid should work well.
ME: Believe me, this brush has held some fluid.
SALES PERSON: May I place your order, sir?
ME: This is exciting. I'm so sick of this.
SALES PERSON: I understand, sir.
ME: Plus, I just started dating a woman and I'd like to get rid of this before she grabs onto my back while we're…y'know.
SALES PERSON: I understand, sir.
ME: I like her a lot, too. I suppose if we were further along in our relationship, I could've asked her to put this stuff on my pimply back. But right now, I don't want to gross her out.
SALES PERSON: I totally agree, sir.
ME: You're not grossed out, are you?
SALES PERSON: Absolutely not, sir.
ME: You would be if you saw my back.
SALES PERSON: Can I have a credit card number to place your order, sir?
ME: I don't have any credit cards. I usually pay for things with rolls of pennies.
SALES PERSON: Sir, I would need a credit card to complete your order.
ME: Do you have a credit card?
SALES PERSON: Yes I do.
ME: Well, will you buy it for me with your card and I swear to God I'll send you the money?
SALES PERSON: I can't do that, sir.
ME: You seemed to be so helpful before.
SALES PERSON: I'm sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you then?
ME: Do you know how to get blood out of a knit shirt?
SALES PERSON: Have a nice day, sir.
CLICK
Phone ringing.
SALES PERSON: Thank you for calling Home Shopping.
ME: Hi, I have a question about a product I saw today.
SALES PERSON: May I have the product number sir?
ME: 570-721
SALES PERSON: That's the Leisure Lift Thermal with flannel buttoned embroidered pajamas?
ME: Yup.
SALES PERSON: And how may I help you, sir?
ME: Well, on the screen it said it's available in a 3x.
SALES PERSON: Yes sir.
ME: Do you know if it comes in a 7x?
SALES PERSON: I don't think so, sir.
ME: My wife is a very big woman.
SALES PERSON: No sir. I'm almost positive that the largest size we have is a 3x.
ME: Yeah, that's not going to work for her. A few months ago, I actually bought her something that was a 3x and I wound up having to buy her two pairs of pants. Then we split each pair of pants open and sewed them around as one pant leg each. That's how big she is.
SALES PERSON: It doesn't sounds like the 3x will fit her, sir.
ME: You're not a big woman, are you?
SALES PERSON: No sir, I'm not.
ME: Good for you. Geez, I'm not sure what to do with her anymore. She's disgusting.
SALES PERSON: So would you like to order the pajamas, sir?
ME: Are they made out of cotton?
SALES PERSON: Yes they are, sir.
ME: Forget it, then. Her thighs will tear through those things in no time.
SALES PERSON: So would you like to order the pajamas or not, sir?
ME: I'll tell you what, instead of buying her a pair of pajamas to sit around in all day, I probably should buy her a damn treadmill. Or some duct tape for her mouth. Do you sell treadmills or duct tape?
SALES PERSON: Yes sir, we do sell treadmills. But as far as I know, we do not sell duct tape.
ME: A lot of people use duct tape. That wold be a good thing for you to sell.
SALES PERSON: I'll pass your suggestion on , sir. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
ME: No, I guess not. I was trying to do something nice and now I hate her guts for being so fat. You're nice, though.
SALES PERSON: Thank you, sir.
ME: Are you married?
SALES PERSON: No I'm not, sir.
ME: Where are you located?
SALES PERSON: We're in Tennessee, sir.
ME: Ah, I'm on Ohio. It'll never work out between the two of us.
SALES PERSON: No it won't, sir. Have a nice day.
CLICK.
Phone ringing.
SALES PERSON: Thank you for calling Home Shopping.
ME: Hi, I have a question about a product I saw today.
SALES PERSON: May I have the product number, sir?
ME: 1001-0334
SALES PERSON: That's the Rock EZ Walk Treadmill.
ME: Yes ma'am.
SALES PERSON: And how can I help you today, sir?
ME: Yes, there's a guy in the background walking on one of the treadmills.
SALES PERSON: Yes, sir?
ME: Can you tell me where he gets his haircut? I have hair that's a lot like his and I can't seem to find anyone to cut my hair like that.
SALES PERSON: Sir, I have no idea where he gets his hair cut.
ME: Could you find out? Could you ask him?
SALES PERSON: I'm sorry, sir. I can't help you with this.
ME: Why not?
SALES PERSON: It would be impossible for me to find out where he got his hair cut.
ME: Why can't you just ask him?
SALES PERSON: Sir, I'm not allowed to leave my area.
ME: Can't you just shout really loud?
SALES PERSON: I'm afraid not. Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?
ME: Actually, I do have another question. Your price for the treadmill is $109.98.
SALES PERSON: Yes sir.
ME: It also says on the screen that, "similar products are sold elsewhere for $149.99."
SALES PERSON: Yes sir.
ME: Can you tell me where those other places are?
SALES PERSON: I have no idea, sir.
ME: See, my brother-in-law just fixed my car and I'm pretty sure he screwed me on the price. So I want to get him back by making him pay more for his treadmill somewhere else than I'll pay for mine.
SALES PERSON: I have no idea where those other stores are, sir.
ME: You won't tell my brother-in-law what I'm trying to do, will you?
SALES PERSON: I don't know your brother-in-law, sir.
ME: Good. And believe me, you wouldn't like him.
SALES PERSON: Would you like to order the treadmill, sir?
ME: Not right now. I have to get a haircut. And it won't be the haircut I want, thanks to you.
SALES PERSON: Thank you for calling. Have a good day.
CLICK.
Phone ringing.
SALES PERSON: Thank you for calling Home Shopping.
ME: Hi, I have a question about a product I saw today.
SALES PERSON: May I have the product number sir?
ME: 3101-6605.
SALES PERSON: The 1.5 carat yellow sapphire oval stone?
ME: Yes, sir.
SALES PERSON: How may I help you today, sir?
ME: I have a question about the product.
SALES PERSON: Yes, sir.
ME: Well technically, it's not about the product.
SALES PERSON: Yes, sir. I'll do my best to help.
ME: You know how they were just turning the stone around with a pair of tweezers to show the gem's beauty?
SALES PERSON: Yes, sir.
ME: I'd like to buy those tweezers.
SALES PERSON: Laughter. I'm sorry, sir. Those aren't for sale.
ME: Why not?
SALES PERSON: That's not a product for sale.
ME: Damnit, I really need those tweezers. They're exactly what I've been looking for.
SALES PERSON: I'm sorry, sir. We don't sell the tweezers. They're simply used to hold the product when it's being displayed on camera.
ME: I've been looking all over for tweezers like that.
SALES PERSON: Are you a gemologist, sir?
ME: No, I just have really thick eyebrows.
SALES PERSON: Laughter. I'm sorry for laughing sir.
ME: You shouldn't laugh until you've seen my eyebrows.
SALES PERSON: Have you tried a beautician's store?
ME: I've tried them all. Nothing works. I know these would work. They look sturdy. Are you sure they're not for sale?
SALES PERSON: I'm positive, sir.
ME: Y'know, that is kind of misleading.
SALES PERSON: How so, sir?
ME: Well, you showed the tweezers on TV and got me all excited about them and now it turns out that I can't even buy them. I would assume that if you showed something, people would be able to buy it.
SALES PERSON: For the most part, that's true, sir. But not with the tweezers.
ME: You're sure?
SALES PERSON: I'm sure.
ME: Oh well. I guess I'll have to stick with my pliers.
SALES PERSON: Good luck to you, sir. Have a great day.
CLICK.
Phone ringing.
SALES PERSON: Thank you for calling Home Shopping.
ME: Hi, I have a question about a product I saw today.
SALES PERSON: May I have the product number sir?
ME: 202-678
SALES PERSON: The Maggie Sweet Embroidered Blazer?
ME: Yes, sir.
SALES PERSON: How can I help you?
ME: There are two blazers on screen. The blonde haired woman has the blue one on and the redhead is wearing the green one.
SALES PERSON: Yes sir.
ME: Do you know if the redhead is seeing anyone?
SALES PERSON: Excuse me?
ME: Are you aware if the red-headed model is in any type of a relationship?
SALES PERSON: Sir, I would have no way of knowing that.
ME: She's beautiful. Exactly the type of woman I'm looking for. Is she nice?
SALES PERSON: Sir, I don't know her.
ME: Do you know her name?
SALES PERSON: I can't help you, sir.
ME: Can't you see the set right now?
SALES PERSON: Partially.
ME: Can you see a luscious redhead?
SALES PERSON: Sir, there are a lot of models working here.
ME: Not like her. Don't ever lump her in with those other girls. I wonder if her name is Stephanie. She looks like a Stephanie.
SALES PERSON: I don't know, sir.
ME: Is there anyone who could help me find out more about her?
SALES PERSON: We have a fan Website for the hosts of our shows, sir.
ME: She's not a host. She's a model.
SALES PERSON: I'm sorry then, sir. I'm not sure what I can do.
ME: And you don't know if she's seeing anyone?
SALES PERSON: I don't know, sir.
ME: You're not seeing her, are you?
SALES PERSON: No sir, I'm not.
ME: If you find anything out about her, could you call me back?
SALES PERSON: We don't call people back, sir.
ME: That's not very nice. Can you put her on the phone then?
SALES PERSON: No sir, I can't.
ME: Will you tell her I'd like to send her a picture of me or maybe a pair of my underwear or something?
SALES PERSON: I don't think that would be a good idea, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?
ME: Yes. What's the world's fastest land mammal?
SALES PERSON: The cheetah. Have a nice day, sir.
CLICK.
Phone ringing.
SALES PERSON: Thank you for calling Home Shopping.
ME: Hi, I have a question about a product I saw today.
SALES PERSON: May I have the product number sir?
ME: 542-288
SALES PERSON: The USA Gold 14 carat Diamond Accent Cross?
ME: Yes, ma'am.
SALES PERSON: How can I help you?
ME: I just started dating someone and I wanted to get her a gift.
SALES PERSON: This would be nice, sir.
ME: The thing is, she's Jewish. And I'm not. Actually, she's the first Jewish person I've ever known. I don't really know anything about Jews, do you?
SALES PERSON: Not really, sir.
ME: Do you think it would be wrong to give her a cross? I mean, it's a nice cross.
SALES PERSON: I don't see why not, sir.
ME: That's what I'm thinking. I mean, it's a gift from my heart.
SALES PERSON: I don't really know how she'd feel, sir. Actually, I don't really know that much about Jewish people and the Jewish religion. But if it was me, I'd appreciate getting it.
ME: Even if you were Jewish?
SALES PERSON: Absolutely. It's a very nice cross.
ME: Do you ever sell any of these crosses to Jewish people?
SALES PERSON: I don't really know, sir. I normally don't ask people their religion.
ME: Do they sound Jewish?
SALES PERSON: That's hard to say, sir. But I suppose yes, I've sold some of these crosses to Jewish people.
ME: I think I'm going to get it for her.
SALES PERSON: Excellent, sir. I think she'll really enjoy it.
ME: I think so, too. But still, I think I should ask her first. I don't want to offend her.
SALES PERSON: I understand, sir.
ME: I'll ask her tonight after her circumcision.
SALES PERSON: Good luck, sir. And remember your product number.
ME: I will.
SALES PERSON: Thank you for calling.
ME: You're welcome. And Jesus loves you.
CLICK.
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