We all have guiding principles in our lives.
They're the rules we live by on a daily basis.
They govern our choices and help to define who we are and how we want the world to see us.
Sometimes, these rules come from life experiences.
Like the first time you stole someone's wallet and the cops shot at you, and ever since then you've always remembered that if you try to steal someone's wallet, you'll probably wind up with a bullet hole in your nuts.
Sometimes, these rules come from our parents.
Like the time you saw your dad passed out drunk on the floor in the living room, and ever since then, you've always remember that if you're going to drink hard liquor, do so in moderation.
Also, stay away from mom.
But more often than not, guiding principles in life come from one's religion experiences. They're an accumulation of what you've learned from God. About God. And with God.
Like the time when you were 12 and you stole a Bee Gee's tape from a store and as you walked out, the security guard grabbed you and you said, "Omigod, I am so freaking dead." Ever since then, you've always remembered that if you're thinking about stealing, God is watching you.
Unfortunately, so is the security guard.
And while our lessons usually come from the Bible, our religious leaders or Davey and Goliath, I've recently noticed a new way for people to discover, learn and understand the word of the Lord. Perhaps you've seen it, too.
It's WWJD. Which stands for What Would Jesus Do.
The idea behind WWJD is that in any situation in life, you should think, "What Would Jesus Do?" In theory, WWJD will help us to more clearly define the difference between right and wrong.
WWJD started out as the letters on a bracelet for teenagers to wear as they grew and began to face difficult life decisions.
"Should I smoke?"
"Should I drink?"
"Should I do the whole football team, or just the offensive line?"
Today, WWJD has gone beyond teenagers, and speaks to many adults about important issues in their lives as well.
"Should I smoke?"
"Should I drink?"
"Should I embezzle all of my company's assets, or should I leave the junk bonds?"
Personally, even though I'm Jewish, I think WWJD is great. If there's something out there that can help people to make better, more rational, more pure decisions in their lives, then I'm all for it.
However...while I appreciate the philosophy and motivation of WWJD, quite frankly, I 'm not sure WWJD is enough for most people.
I just don't think most people have the ability to re-interpret broad concepts like WWJD and incorporate them into their own lives.
I think most people need to be more specific than WWJD.
I think for most people, instead of trying to figure out What Jesus Would Do, they need to be told WJD.
What Jesus Did.
They need to know exactly WJD at any time, in any situation.
Let's face it. At crisis moments in our lives, who has time to sit back, reflect and say, "Okay, so I just walked in on my wife servicing the family dog. Hmmm. While I realize that I'm feeling a bit of tension and apprehension over this situation, I certainly don't want to make any irrational decisions about this, so first I must think, "Hmmm, What Would Jesus Do if he walked in on his dog and his wife?"
I ask, wouldn't it be better if you could know exactly WJD when he walked in on a similar situation?
What if you knew that the same exact thing happened to Jesus and he said, "At least it wasn't the neighbor's dog." And then he killed the dog with a laser beam that he shot out from his hand or something.
Wouldn't that be more helpful?
Not WWJD. WJD.
What Jesus Did.
Only then can you truly get into the mind of the Man. What he stood for. And what he represented. Only then can you utilize his tenets in your everyday life.
So here, as a service to all the lost souls of the world, is a somewhat comprehensive guide as to What Jesus Did.
When. Where. And with whom.
Study it. Learn from it. Live by it.
Follow his lead and you will not stray.
Understand his thinking and you will grow as a man.
Believe in his principles and your life will be more full.
Also, as a general rule of thumb, keep your wife away from the family dog.
What Did Jesus Do When He Saw Pamela Anderson's Ass?
While thumbing through an old Playboy, Jesus came across one of her photo shoots. "Me H. Me!" he thought. "If I didn't think there was a Dad, I do now."
The moral: God has brought two perfect creations to this earth -- the egg and Pamela Anderson's ass. Understanding this premise, the question then becomes, "What do an egg and Pamela Anderson's ass have in common?" Jesus says the answer is that "we like to see them both cracked open." And Jesus says that's okay.
What Did Jesus Do When His Buddies Wanted To Crank Call The Bowling Alley?
Jesus was distraught that his friends wanted to antagonize hard-working men by calling a bowling alley and asking if they "had 10-pound balls." So he gathered them all together to discuss the moral ramifications of their actions.
"Friends," he said, "according to Ephesians 5:4, 'nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place.'
"Besides," he continued, "that joke is so old, you losers. It'd be, like, so way better to call and have them page Mr. Harry P. Ness."
The moral: Laughing at the expense of others is wrong. Unless it's really funny.
What Did Jesus Do When He Met A Hot Chick In A Bar?
First Jesus recited some parable that made absolutely no sense, but still sounded kind of cool, in a Jim Morrison sort of way. Then he told the girl he wasn't going to buy her a drink because she was so beautiful. Instead, he was going to build her her own bar because after all, he did have carpentry skills. Then, later that night in bed, he screamed at her, "Say it! Say it!" And she shouted back, "You're the King! You are so the King!"
The moral: In the battle between spiritual love and physical love, physical love feels way better.
What Did Jesus Do When He Had To Tell His Wife He Lost Two Hundred Bucks Playing Poker?
In the beginning, Jesus thought about lying and telling his wife how he was trying to save a small boy from being hit by an oncoming train and as he rushed over to the tracks, the back of his pants were caught on a small tree and ripped his pocket open and his wallet and all his money blew away. But he knew that saving the boy was far more important that any tangible goods. Then Jesus realized that it was so horribly wrong to lie about something like that to the woman he cherished with all his heart and soul.
So instead, he told her some Puerto Rican guy mugged him.
The moral: Falsehoods are generally unacceptable. Except in those situations where you potentially may get your ass kicked for telling the truth.
What Did Jesus Do When He Spilled McDonald's Coffee On His Lap?
First, Jesus said, "Me! Does that burn." Then he called 1-800-LAWYERS and asked to speak to a personal injury attorney about a potential $10.2 million lawsuit. "I don't want any of those Jewish lawyers, though," he'd say. "Those people, I tell you. Do they hold a grudge or what?"
The moral: Suffering can oftentimes lead to a greater reward. And a new Passat.
What Did Jesus Do When He Overheard A Polish Joke?
Jesus was sitting in Starbucks when he heard a man telling the following joke to a friend:
"An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polack with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Polack's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! Ten feet long." The Polack grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
When the man was finished with the joke, Jesus approached him and said, "Isaiah 28:22: Now stop your mocking, or your chains will become heavier; the Lord, the Lord Almighty, has told me of the destruction decreed against the whole land."
Then Jesus sat down said, "Hey, did you guys hear the one about the two gay hairdressers at the art show?"
The moral: Be kind to everyone, for God knows all that you say, all that you see, all that you think. And when God hears you say, "How do you get a one-armed Polack out of a tree? You wave to him," God laughs. But God gets mad.
What Did Jesus Do When Someone Said To Him "Jesus Christ, Are You Some Kind Of Jesus Freak?"
Jesus explained to the man that he wasn't a "freakazoid religious nutcase scumbag," as the man called him, but rather he was a man of peace. A man put on this earth to bring others together in a shared, unified mission of hope and prosperity. And when the man listened to Jesus and then spit on his feet, Jesus blinked and the guy was struck by lightning and turned into a pile of dust.
The moral: Maintain control at all times. And then, if need be, reckless violence is acceptable.
What Did Jesus Do When His Fantasy Baseball Team Sucked Ass?
After toiling in the basement of his league for the first half of the season, Jesus took a long look at the players on his team, The Bloody Hand Holes.
"For me's sake," he thought, "I chose these players and while they are not living up to the potential I foresaw for them, I cannot cast them aside for their current inefficiencies. I must stick by them and lend them support. As people have always done for me."
Then Jesus sent an e-mail to the rest of the league asking if anyone had any interest in "that sorry ass Rick Helling stiff loser."
The moral: It's important to stand by the side of those you've chosen to befriend, both in good times and in bad. Also, never, ever take a Tampa Bay Devil Rays pitcher on your fantasy baseball team.
What Did Jesus Do When He Coveted His Neighbor's Wife In, Like, The Worst Way?
Jesus's nextdoor neighbor, Harold Kleinschmidt, had this totally hot wife who enjoyed sitting in the backyard in her string bikini. Jesus would find himself staring out the upstairs window at her. He finally came to realize that having such feelings of desire for her would lead to unspeakable indiscretions, so he knew he must overcome his passion by speaking directly to her. And so, Jesus went over to confront her and tell her of his thoughts. But just before the words came out she said, "Could you rub this oil on my back?" And as Jesus rubbed the oil on her back, he kind of forget why he walked over to talk to her.
The moral: Nine Commandments are more than enough.
Well, that should cover many of the basic issues that most men have to deal with on a consistent basis.
From this day forward, as you venture into the world, assess your situation, and before you do anything irrational, think about Jesus and how he'd handled it.
Take the time to not only act like he has, but also understand why he did what he did.
You'll be better for it. We'll all be better off for it.
Thanks Jesus. You've taught us all so well.
We owe you all a debt of gratitude.
Also, when you're done, can I borrow that Playboy?