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06/21/2002
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From: Nancy (nancy@idon'tthinkit'sareallygoodideatogiveoutheraddress.com)
To: Lane Strauss (lstrauss@bullz-eye.com)
Sent: Saturday, Jun 15, 3:59 AM
Subject: Your Article on Fat Women
Hello Lane,
Your article was really insulting to overweight women. I hope your Viagra stops working. Fat guys don't look real good either. Look at one sometime if you can stand it.
Are men really that crude and mean as the articles on your site imply? Do they really enjoy that?
We advertise Bullz-Eye on our site. Our visitors are 90% male according to our survey and they really click on your ads a lot. I think they like the pictures. Our visitors are not the most literate folks, they are better at doing stuff like building cars. It says you are from Cleveland. I guess the stuff you write passes for literature there.
Regards,
Nancy
From: Lane Strauss (lstrauss@bullz-eye.com)
To: Nancy (nancy@ivealwayswantedastalker.com)
Sent: Saturday, Jun 15, 7:59 AM
Subject: Re: Your Article on Fat Women
Dear Nancy:
First of all, thanks for reading!
In a word of instant visual gratification, it's nice to know that there are people out there who still spend time perusing the written word.
Again, thanks!
Nancy, after receiving your mail this morning, I went back and re-read my piece.
My goodness, I didn't realize it...but you are so right!
I can now see how the piece could be misconstrued (did I spell that correctly? we don't have dictionaries in Cleveland) as being insulting to fat, obese women.
Please forgive me. You clearly have a better understanding of the visitors to our site than I do.
From now on, Nancy, I will attempt to write columns solely based on your opinion and your ideas.
Perhaps in one of my future columns, I will write about how you, Nancy, think the people who log on to your site are "not the most literate people."
I think that's something they'd like to know, don't you?
At any rate, Nancy, have a super day. And again, thanks for writing.
I look forward to receiving more constructive feedback from readers like you in the future.
Gosh, I hope you like next week's story, too. It's titled: "Forget a cure for cancer. Lets talk liposuction."
Sincerely,
Lane Strauss
From: Nancy (nancy@exactlyhowfatisthischick.com)
To: Lane Strauss (lstrauss@bullz-eye.com)
Sent: Sunday, June 16, 12:44 AM
Subject: Re: Your Article on Fat Women
Hello Lane,
Actually most of my visitors would agree that they are more interested in doing real work than writing a bunch of BS like a lot of writers and marketing people do for a living. That's why they probably don't put a priority on being too literate. I'm sure that some guy who can repair cars well is a whole lot more useful than you. Actually garbage men are probably a whole lot more useful career-wise than you.
There are some men who do like the "big women". A friend of mines husband buys these magazines with pictures of fat women in them. Kind of like Playboy magazine but the girls are all fat. He's a skinny little guy too. He says bones are for dogs and if you like bones then you know what you are.
Do you get feedback from your visitors on your columns or are they too busy looking at the pictures of the girls? If they prefer your writing to the pictures they are probably gay and just go to the site to convince people they are not.
Regards,
Nancy
From: Lane Strauss (lstrauss@bullz-eye.com)
To: Nancy (nancy@hohospleaseineedhohos.com)
Sent: Sunday, June 16, 6:59 PM
Subject: Your Article on Fat Women
Dear Nancy:
It's so great to hear from you on two consecutive non-stop days in a row. This is fantastic!
Frankly, I don't often hear from people who read my column.
I can only assume that you're right, and the men who actually choose to read my column instead of looking at the girls are in, fact, flaming homosexuals. And I'm guessing that the reason I don't ever hear from anyone is because after these gay men read my column, they engage in some sort of gay anal activities.
Nancy, sometimes I actually wonder if I'm gay, and everything I say and think about is merely a disguise to hide my homosexual tendencies. I never really thought about it until I read your letter this morning, but now I'm beginning to wonder.
Also, do you think Tiger Woods' ass is as cute as I think it is?
The other thing is, Nancy, is that I've heard of these men you've referred to who enjoy looking at, or being with "big women."
I've heard people call them "Chubby Chasers." I'd like to call them "Moronic Idiots For Wanting To Look At Disgustingly Obese Fat Women," but heck, who am I to judge?
Also, I'm curious about your friend's husband, the skinny one who likes to look at the pictures of fat women. Could I talk to him?
Maybe I'm not being as open-minded about these pigs as I should be. Maybe I should give them a second chance, just like they give a gallon of ice cream a second chance, too.
Could you see if he could let me know what the names of these fat girl publications are and where he buys them? Also, are they oversized magazines? Also, do they come with free candy bars?
The other thing is, Nancy, is your friend fat? If so, I'd love to talk to her skinny husband about how he actually met her. Was it in a bar? Did they meet at work? Or did she just smell coconut on his breath?
Also, what was the first thing the skinny guy said to your fat friend? Was it:
"Hey baby, wanna come up and see my Hershey's collection?"
Or was it:
"You have the most beautiful brown eyes. They remind me of Betty Crocker Double Fudge Brownies."
Or was it:
"Back off, bitch. That was my apple crisp!"
I'm just curious, Nancy.
Actually, after reading your letter to me, I'm now wondering if I'm bi-curious.
Also, Nancy, I couldn't agree with you more about your readers being far more productive members of society that a writer or a marketer like myself.
Frankly, I can think of no more important skill on earth than the ability to fix a car. In fact, last week, when I had my oil changed and I asked the guy what the date was so I could write a check, he said, "how the f*&^ should I know?"
Do you know him?
Also Nancy, I'm in complete agreement with you about your readers not caring about literacy. I ask, what in the hell is so important about being able to read?
I mean, what a goddamn waste of time for a human being to sit around and look at words on a printed page. Where in the hell is that ever going to get anybody? Thank god for television, y'know?
Nancy, I apologize for swearing there. This is just one of those subjects that I'm extremely passionate about.
In fact, I'm the Northeast Ohio chapter chairman of P.W.C.R.P.M.O.
People Who Can Read Piss Me Off.
I also think you're dead on about garbage men, too. They're way more important than me.
Nancy, do you have a thing for garbage men. Is there a magazine for that, too?
One more thing, Nancy. And I hope this doesn't come out wrong. But are you a Two-Ton Tessie? A Mound of Meatloaf?
Nancy, is your real name Suzy Q?
I just have a feeling that I've touched a nerve that might've hit a little too close to home.
I'm wondering, can you still feel your nerves, Nancy?
Frankly, if you are a big girl, there's nothing wrong with a little extra weight. Although I'm wondering, when you lift your fork up to your mouth, do you call that exercise?
When you get on the scale, does the scale say, "One at a time, lady. One at a time."
When the waitress asks you what you want, do you say, "The left side of the menu"?
When you step outside on a sunny day, does the entire neighborhood rush out and scream, "Eclipse!"
These are just things I'm wondering about, Nancy.
At any rate, I must be off now.
Again, I can't begin to thank you enough for pointing out many of these important issues.
I hope you'll continue to be a fan of my work. And I look forward to hearing from you again in the not-too- distant future.
Sincerely,
Lane Strauss
P.S. Has the skinny guy ever made a move on you by whispering, "Hey, I've got Rollos?"
Hello Lane,
Actually what surprised me most on your writing is what a misogynist you appear to be. I will include this handy link so you can look up that big word:
http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?va=misogynist, since they don't have dictionaries in Cleveland.
Maybe you should write about how much you like Tiger Woods' ass and then let a bunch of anti-gay guys flame you instead of me. I think they would be a bit cruder to say the least. Can't say that I ever noticed it -- Tiger's posterior.
Just want to let you know that you need to have tolerance for people in the world, including fat people and gay people. As long as they don't directly bother you, everyone has the right to respect unless they disrespect you.
I would say that you disrespect the large women in your article. I know that it is supposed to be satire but I think the thing I really objected to is that it wasn't very funny. More mean than funny and could hurt some innocent person's feelings.
I thought of telling you that I am some huge woman and that you insulted me but I am actually a size six to eight at present. Depends on the clothing manufacturer and how much I eat. I'm still insulted though.
Doing it by proxy for the fat women. There but for fortune go I.
Basically society says that women should all be size four or six. Haven't figured out if that is really right. Just trying it on for size if you know what I mean.
One last question, does your writing actually pay you more than beer money? If it does, one has to give you some credit [for] getting people to pay you for that writing. Have you ever thought of doing a TV talk show? You could have fat women as guests and then fight with them. You could go Jerry Springer one better. It would probably be very popular. Just make sure you get some big bouncers because some the large women are big enough that they could do some damage if they ever caught up with you.
Regards,
Nancy
From: Lane Strauss (lstrauss@bullz-eye.com)
To: Nancy (nancy@there'snowayicangetsuedforthisright.com)
Sent: Tuesday, June 18, 8:30 PM
Subject: Re: Your Article on Fat Women
Dearest Nancy:
OK, I've tried to be nice to you, but now I'm pissed.
Who the hell do you think you are getting off calling me a misogynist? I don't need a goddamn dictionary to know what a misogynist is. And I'm not very happy that you called me one.
For your information, I am not a misogynist. In fact, I actually enjoy massages whenever I get one. I also like when I can get a "happy ending" and I have to do nothing else with the woman in the sarong at Tokyo Spa other than handing her 20 bucks.
That's the kind of relationship I like. And do you know what that makes me, Nancy?
Why don't you look this word up in the dictionary:
M.A.N.
Also, for your information, Nancy, I do have a great deal of tolerance for gays and fat women, so get off my ass, you dummy you. You don't know anything about me or what I think or who I like or what I feel.
Hey, have you ever noticed that the word "tolerate" ends in "ate?" Kinda weird, y'know?
Also, don't give me this satire crap, lady. You have no freakin' idea what you're talking about.
Hey, have you ever noticed that the word "satire" rhymes with "fat as a tire?" Kinda weird, y'know?
Also, as far as me hurting innocent people's feelings, you idiot, tell me, moron, who are the innocent people I'm hurting -- big fat women who can't push themselves away from the table?
Grossly obese women who can't say, "No thanks, 11 cupcakes is enough."
Gut-busting lardasses who look at men and visualize them turning into chicken legs, like in the cartoons?
Also, Nancy, while I'm glad to hear that you're "A size six to eight at present," what does that mean, "at present"? Are you going to stuff your face with mashed potatoes tonight and pork up to a 12?
Nancy, you say you're somewhere between a six and eight. Are you sure you didn't mean you're a six times eight?
Also, yes I get paid for writing this. Substantial amounts of money, actually.
Here, I'll put it in terms you can understand:
*Enough money to buy 18 boxes of strudel.
*Enough money to supersize every Value Meal at McDonald's.
*Enough money to take a cab to Subway, eat like Jared, and then pay someone to carry your fat ass home.
That's how much money.
And while I've never thought about having a talk show, you've given me a good idea, you stupid fat woman.
Maybe you could be my first guest. And we could talk about how you actually have a major crush on me and this is just a cunning ruse so as not to reveal your true feelings.
Which happens to me a lot, by the way.
Nancy, you could be the dumbest person I've ever met in my life. And I haven't even met you. So I guess that says a lot about you, doesn't it.
I hope you gain 80 pounds tomorrow.
Warmest personal regards,
Lane Strauss
To: Nancy (nancy@leastyoucouldwritebackyknow.com)
From: Lane (lstrauss@bullz-eye.com)
Sent: June 19, 2002, 8:33 PM
Subject: Re: Your Article on Fat Women
Nancy:
It's been over a day and I haven't heard back from you.
Are you okay?
I miss you, Nancy.
I hope you're okay.
I hope you didn't drown in chocolate sauce or something.
If I've said anything to offend you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
Well, okay, I kinda meant it.
But still, I didn't want to lose you like this.
You're the only person who writes to me, Nancy.
What will I do with my time? Who will I talk to?
I'm lost without you, Nancy. Please write back.
If not, I'll never forget you.
I only hope you can forgive me for my indiscretions.
If not, I understand. After all, you're a bitter, fat, angry woman.
And if I had to look at you in the mirror every morning, I'd be angry, too.
Have a super life.
Love always,
Lane Strauss
P.S. Twenty McNuggets for four bucks at McDonald's this week! I just saw the commercial.
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