So I think I've found my next job.
I'm really excited because this could be the perfect job for me, mainly because it doesn't require even one ounce of intelligence.
No, the job isn't "woman."
The job I desire is to be a professional sports analyst on TV.
You know the job I'm talking about. They're the idiots who sit around and tell you exactly what's going to happen in the game you're going to watch. And then when the game turns out to be the complete exact opposite of what they said it would be, they sit there and tell you why the game was played the way the game was played. Without ever acknowledging that they were so wrong it wasn't even funny.
Don't you see? This is perfect for me. I have all the qualifications:
I'm an idiot. And I'm always wrong.
For crying out loud, it's a no-brainer. There's zero accountability for this job. If you're wrong, nobody cares. Nobody even remembers. And even if they do remember that you were wrong, they just think you're stupid, and they want to listen again next week so they can see how stupid you are again.
I can do this.
Even better, the job of sports analyst on TV doesn't ask you to say anything of relevance. All you have to do is get off a couple of cute lines, throw a few puns out there, maybe a little innuendo, and act like you have some insight into the event.
Even though you don't really know any more than my father lying on a couch in Buffalo does.
My father, mind you, who watches a football game and on every single play says, "Watch this -- here comes an interception." And when somebody finally throws an interception late in the third quarter, he slaps you on the arm and says, "Huh, what'd I tell you?"
I swear to God, I could do this.
The way I see it, the only thing I'm missing is a good head of hair. But we have ways of fixing that.
So where do I sign up?
Of course, I'm well aware that I can't get my new job without any previous experience. So today, for any of you programming directors out there from one of the major networks, here is my analysis of the 2002 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.
What follows is "a detailed game-by-game breakdown of some of the contests I project over the next three weeks."
Jesus, how good did that freakin' sentence sound?
For chrissakes, I'm a natural. It's like I didn't know what I was talking about already.
Well, rest assured friends, you're right.
I don't have a clue who's going to win this thing. I don't know anything about the teams' records. The coaches. The conference schedules. The non-conference schedules. The RPI, The AP, The UPI. The BLT.
On rye, please. Toasted.
But trust me, you won't know it by reading my "detailed game-by-game breakdown of some of the contests I project over the next three weeks."
Damn, I'm good.
As you'll see, I'll say absolutely nothing of substance. In fact, I can guarantee that many of my match-ups won't even happen.
In fact, the team I pick to win it all already lost its first game.
But who cares? Three quarters of this job is being wrong.
As long as I say a lot about absolutely nothing -- and do it with a great deal of conviction -- I'll be good at my new job.
So please, read on. And find out whom I project to be the winner of the 2002 NCAA Men's Basketball Championships.
Do you see how good I am at this? I know I've picked a loser and I'm still confident in my selection.
Soon, the cushy desk job next to the hot weather chick will be mine.
Seriously though, does my hair look OK?
Maryland Terrapins vs. Sienna Saints
I think Maryland will win this game because a saint is a nice guy. As we all know, nice guys finish last. Besides, turtles are born with a natural protective cup.
Connecticut Huskies vs. Hampton Pirates
I think U Conn will win because Huskies are the kind of pants my mom used to make me wear when I was a fat kid. And as much as I ate, believe me, those pants we're pretty tough. Way tougher than a guy with a patch over his eye.
Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. Southern Illinois Salukis
I think Southern Illinois will win because a Raider with a bad sunburn simply cannot win a basketball game.
Wisconsin Badgers vs. St. John's Red Storm
I think Wisconsin will win because I've seen a thunderstorm, a hail storm, and Hannah Storm. But never a Red Storm. I also know that in a court of law, you cannot badger a witness. But I'm pretty sure you can in a court of basketball.
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Holy Cross Crusaders
I think Holy Cross will win because their nickname is Crusaders. Which kinda sounds like crew-seder. Which I've taken to be a hidden message to invite my family over for Passover. How nice.
Oregon Ducks vs. Montana Grizzlies
I think Montana will win because if your team shoots the ball, and your cheerleaders yell "Duck!", that can't be a good sign.
Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. McNeese State Cowboys
I think McNeese State will win because a cowboy could take a bulldog in like 10 seconds. Unless it's the Cowboy from the Village People. Then the cowboy would "take the bulldog" in ways that none of us would like to see.
Illinois Fighting Illini vs. San Diego State Aztecs
I think Illinois will win because how could you not pick a team tough enough to play even though they were sick? I mean, they're "fighting ill in eye" and still playing?
Wake Forest Demon Deacons vs. Pepperdine Waves
I think Pepperdine will win because they have a weird offense. One player jumps up. Then he sits down. Then the next one jumps up. Then he sits down Then the same thing happens three more times. Then, the first player does again. That, friends, is the Pepperdine wave.
Stanford Cardinal vs. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
I think the Hilltoppers will win because anybody with the guts and resilience to get to the top of a hill will beat a little birdie any day of the week. And then they'd eat the little birdie with their one tooth, too.
Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Central Connecticut State Blue Devils
I think Central Connecticut State will win because it's clear why the devil is blue. His panther too tight.
Southern Cal Trojans vs. North Carolina Wilmington Seahawks
I think USC will win because the Trojans are impenetrable. Nothing will get through the Trojans. And the Trojans will prevent the last shot.
California Golden Bears vs. Pennsylvania Quakers
I think Penn will win because the Golden Bear is on the Super Sugar Crisp box. Which is good. But Quaker Oats makes Cap 'N Crunch with Crunchberries. Which is way better.
Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. Kent State Golden Flashes
I think Oklahoma State will win because while I don't know what a Golden Flash is, I have reason to believe if someone walked up to a cowboy and said, "Hi there, cowboy, I'm a golden flash," he wouldn't be walking for long.
Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Charlotte 49ers.
I think Charlotte will win because The Irish will lose so they can get ready to get drunk on St. Patrick's Day. Because that's what Irish people do.
Oklahoma Sooners vs. Illinois-Chicago Flames
I think Oklahoma will win because I believe that in sports, as in life, sooner is better than later. My wife may have a contrasting view.
Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Davidson Wildcats
I think Ohio State will win because a buckeye is a nut. A nut is a testicle. A testicle is a ball. And you need a ball to play this game. Could this be any more clear?
Miami Hurricanes vs. Missouri Tigers
I think Missouri will win because Hurricanes blow.
Xavier Musketeers vs. Hawaii Rainbow Warriors
I think Xavier will win this game because the Rainbow Warriors are so bad, they could lose to three musketeers.
Maryland Terrapins vs. Wisconsin Badgers
I think Wisconsin will win this game because Terra means land. Terra-pins. Is this some sort of cult reference to lawn bowling?
Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Kentucky Wildcats
I think Marquette will win this game because I once knew a guy named Kent. And while his last name wasn't ucky, he was kind of an ucky guy.
North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. Connecticut Huskies
I think U Conn will win this game because the thing is, I was so fat as a kid, I would rub the corduroy down to next-to-nothing between the thighs of my husky Levi's. Now there's a great childhood memory for you.
Indiana Hoosiers vs USC Trojans
I think USC will win because the Trojan roll. The Trojans will keep pounding it inside. And the Trojans will take it to the hole.
Oklahoma State Cowboys vs Florida Atlantic Owls
I think Oklahoma State will win because the P.A. announcer will say "And now at guard for F.A.O…Schwartz!"
Gonzaga Bulldogs vs Arizona Wildcats
I think Arizona will win because Gonzaga sound like some big green thing who'd fight Mothra.
Xavier Musketeers vs. Oklahoma Sooners
I think Oklahoma will win because, Call me Madam, but I'm taking the Sooners.
Wisconsin Badgers vs. Marquette Golden Eagles
I think the Golden Eagles will win because you can Marquette a victory for Wisconsin.
Murray State Racers vs. U Conn Huskies
I think Murray State will win because if a Native American saw a man who was just let out on parole, he would look at him and say, "You con."
Holy Cross Crusaders vs. Illinois Fighting Illini
I think Holy Cross will win because I think fighting isn't good in basketball.
Winthrop Eagles vs. USC Trojans
I think USC will win because the Trojans have the stamina. The Trojans will bend but never break. And the Trojans know what to do with the ball.
Penn Quakers vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys
I think Penn will win because I don't know why men are called Cowboys. Shouldn't they be Cowmen? Or Cowguys? Or CowPostAdolesecents?
Arizona Wildcats vs. Oklahoma Sooners
I think Oklahoma will win. Did you ever hope the cheerleaders wouldn't wear panties? Me neither.
Wisconsin Badgers vs. Murray State Racers
I think Wisconsin will win because Barney Fife wore a badge and that's good enough for me.
Holy Cross Crusaders vs. Pepperdine Wave
I think Holy Cross will win because history tells us the Crusaders came in Waves. I just hope it was consensual.
USC Trojans vs. Penn Quakers
I think USC will win because the Trojan will explode. The Trojans will look for the opening. And the Trojans will come prepared.
Mississippi Rebels vs. Oklahoma Sooners
I think Mississippi will win because Oklahoma should've gone home sooner.
USC Trojans vs. Mississippi Rebels
I think USC will win because the Trojans always prepare for the stretch. The Trojans will push for a little extra. And the Trojans will reach deep.
Wisconsin Badgers vs. Holy Cross Crusaders
I think Wisconsin will win because if you take the word crusaders, it leads to cRUSADers. Which leads to RUSAD. Are you sad? Why yes I am. We lost.
USC Trojans vs Wisconsin Badgers
I think USC will win because the Trojans are really going to bang it hard tonight. The Trojans will go that extra inch. And the Trojans will go all the way.
How freaking good am I?
Well, I guess this is my last column, because frankly, it's a matter of moments until the head of CBS, ABC, Fox or ESPN gives me a jingle. And while I've enjoyed our time together, soon I'll be devoting all of my energy to telling the world exactly what they're going to see on TV and why.
Unless I'm wrong. Then I'll be devoting all of my energy to telling people what they just saw even though they just saw it.
Of course, if that doesn't work out, I guess I'll be back.
And by the way, my hair looks like crap.