Exciting news for men!
12/14/2001
Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
I love spam e-mail.
Nothing warms my heart more than walking into the office on Monday morning and having 56 messages in my Inbox that I have no interest in, didn't ask for, and won't read.
It's not enough that I receive all these heartwarming greetings, but what makes them even more special is that they're all personalized.
Lane…You Could Be Our Million Dollar Winner!
Lane…Would You Be Interested In Lowering Your Home Mortgage?
Lane…Here's A Very Special Offer from Beastiality.com!
The truth is, spam e-mails are completely wasted on me. Because I never, ever read them.
Well, almost never.
Y'see last week while I was deleting 126,437 of them, I actually saw one that caught my eye.
I don't really know how to explain it, but it just…well, it just struck a chord with me.
Like all good advertising, it captured my attention with an emotional message that an interested consumer like myself could relate to.
To: Lane Strauss
From: gt14atsikub@hotmail.com
Subject: Here's A Simple Pill That Can Increase Your Ejaculation By 581%!
Well, helllllooooo there, gt14atsikub. I believe you've captured my attention with an emotional message that an interested consumer like myself can relate to.
The thing is, gt14atsikub, I never really considered myself to be someone looking for a greater quantity of ejaculation. If you asked my wife, I think the issue might be more quality related.
In fact, I don't think I've ever met any guy who's looking for more.
Let alone 581% more.
But then again, gt14atsikub, maybe the old saying is true.
Maybe bigger is better.
So let's see what else you have to tell me, gt14atsikub. Who knows? You just might fill a void in my life.
And when I say fill, I mean completely overflow.
*This Is No Gimmick…REAL SCIENCE!
A New Medical breakthrough has now created a revolutionary pill that is guaranteed to increase your Semen and EJACULATION by almost 600% in just a few short weeks!
Do you think the medical professional who discovered this medical breakthrough was given a research grant to find a way to prevent the displacement of soft tissue throughout the upper respiratory system…and things just went awry?
THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL:
Gentlemen, as you all know, I went into this project searching for a way to prevent the displacement of soft tissue throughout the upper respiratory system. Instead, I believe I've discovered a medical breakthrough that can only be described as revolutionary. If you will, allow me to demonstrate.
And oh, you guys in the front row might want to take a couple of steps back.
As an advertising professional, gt14atsikub, I admire the carefully chosen words you've used to describe this exciting new product and what it can do for men.
Like you, I've always felt that a straightforward approach is the best way to sell a product.
Simply tell the customer what the product is. Tell them what the product benefits are. And tell them how it will improve their life.
THE PRODUCT: A revolutionary new pill.
THE PRODUCT BENEFITS: You will increase your Semen and EJACULATION by almost 600%!
HOW THIS PRODUCT WILL IMPROVE YOUR LIFE: You will increase your Semen and EJACULATION by almost 600%!
gt14atsikub, I've also noticed that you've capitalized the word EJACULATION in your emotional message to me. What a brilliant move. Clearly, this is an intentional and clever way to have men read the word EJACULATION with greater force and conviction.
Which is perfectly symbolic of exactly what your product does.
After all, this isn't just about ejaculation.
This is about…EJACULATION!
*This amazing new product works by simply taking 2 pills everyday!
I can only imagine my wife's delight when I tell her the good news.
ME: Honey, I'm home. And I've got some good news!
WIFE: That's great sweetheart! What is it? Did you get a raise?
ME: No. Way better than that.
WIFE: Did you get a promotion?
ME: No. Way better than that.
WIFE: Did you win some sort of award?
ME: No. Way better than that.
WIFE: Well then, what could it be, sweetheart? Tell me! Tell me!
ME: Honey, brace yourself. But I'm going to increase my Semen and EJACULATION by almost 600% in just a few short weeks!
WIFE: That's nice, dear. But did you really have to say EJACULATION so loudly?
The benefits of this exciting new product are:
*Increase your EJACULATION by almost 600%!
Of all the times I've had sex in my life, gt14atsikub, I'm almost positive this conversation has never taken place:
ME: How was it for you?
WOMAN: Omigod! That was great! Unbelievably great! Better than great! But I…I just wish there was like, six times more semen. Then it would've been perfect!
*Increased sex drive
Drive is not my problem, gt14atsikub. I have plenty of drive.
The problem is that my wife isn't always interested in letting me park the car.
*Stronger erections
So what you're telling me, gt14atsikub, is that your pill can turn wood into steel?
That's great. Because now with my super-strong erection, I can lift 130 pounds.
But only if she hangs on to my ears.
*Longer Lasting, More Intense orgasms!
The thing is, gt14atsikub, I don't really want a longer lasting, more intense orgasm. I'm not that picky.
In fact, I'm pretty darned happy with a plain ole' regular one
I really don't care how long it lasts. I just want to EJACULATE my Semen and go to sleep.
Unless my wife is reading this.
Then I just want to satisfy my wife more than anything on earth.
*Shoot your Semen up to 13 feet!
I've wondered about a lot of things while I'm having sex. (Mainly, why is this woman having sex with me?) But the length and distance of my Semen during EJACULATION has never crossed my mind.
Um, why exactly would anyone need to release their Semen and EJACULATE 13 feet away, gt14atsikub?
GUY: I'm…getting…close.
WOMAN: C'mon, baby. C'mon! Oh yeah!
GUY: I…am..so…freaking…close.
WOMAN: Do it baby! C'mon, do it!
GUY: Hey um, listen, could you move back over there…closer to the wall? No, a little further. To the left. Take another step back. A little bit more to the right. Look out for the table. OK, just another step and I think we've got it. Perfect.
WOMAN: I'm ready baby.
MAN: HERE…WE…GO!
I'm telling you right now, I haven't hit 13 feet TOTAL in my life.
I don't get it.
Hypothetically, gt14atsikub, let's say you're a criminal, and you've just kidnapped a woman. A hot woman. And for the sake of argument, let's say, oh, I don't know, you've got a gun in her mouth.
Do you see where I'm going here, gt14atsikub?
Let's say because of this intense kidnapping situation, you're starting to feel anxious about your gun in her mouth. Finally, the tension starts to build and you can't take it anymore. So you decide you're going to empty your gun down her throat.
Do you see where I'm going here, gt14atsikub?
Here's the question: would you pull the trigger, or would you take a dozen steps back and take your chances at hitting a target you were money with already?
Do you see where I'm going here, gt14atsikub?
The thing is, I'm not sure I'm getting the value of ripping one off and watching it travel a little over four yards.
Other than saying, "Hey, two more times and I've got a first down."
Thirteen feet? You could rupture her esophagus, for chrissake. Even worse, her head could slam through the bedroom wall due to the force of the Semen resulting from your 13-foot EJACULATION.
Which would be terrible.
Drywall's expensive these days, y'know.
*Winner of the BURDETT RESEARCH "GOLDEN STAR" AWARD
Before I order any product, the first question I always ask is: "I know this sounds like a good product. But has it won a Burdett Research Golden Star Award?"
Well, I've actually done some checking, and I'm happy to announce all the winners of the Burdett Research 2001 Awards:
GOLD: The pill that increases your Semen by 581% and enables you to EJACULATE up to 13 feet!
SILVER: The battery-operated tongue extender!
BRONZE: The authentic Pamela Anderson body double suit that fits almost any wife!
gt14atsikub, while I can't begin to thank you enough for this wonderful product you've shown me, I'm afraid that at this point in time, I'll have to pass.
It's not that it doesn't sound appealing, mind you.
It's just that, well, the truth is, I just measured our bedroom. And it's only 12 feet across.
And the thing is, gt14atsikub, my wife gets really mad when I get stuff on the walls.
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