Thanksgiving: The Lost Transcript
11/16/2001
Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
PILGRIM:
Greetings and salutations, stranger.
INDIAN:
Yo yo yo. Wassup! The man with the buckled hat is in the house! Let's raise the roof and give it up for the white brother chillin' straight up on the down low. He's phat! He's funkadelic! He's psychedelic! He's retromatic! He's acrobatic! Yo! Gimmee the 9-1-1, my man. What. Is. Up.
PILGRIM:
So…you don't speak English?
INDIAN:
Sorry. I just watched Booty Call, House Party and MTV Raps Vol. 16.
PILGRIM:
Hey, this seems like a pretty nice place. Do you live around here?
INDIAN:
Yeah, as soon as our Century 17 Realtor showed it to us, we knew this was where we wanted to be.
PILGRIM:
I can see us liking it here. A lot.
INDIAN:
Hey, you aren't "the white man who'd gonna come and swipe our land" that they keep warning us about, are you?
PILGRIM (HE PUTS HIS HAND BEHIND HIS BACK AND CROSSES HIS FINGERS):
I have no idea what you're talking about. Friend.
INDIAN:
So…where are you from?
PILGRIM:
Well, we're from England originally.
INDIAN (IN FAKE BRITISH VOICE):
Jolly old England! Cheerio! My good man, would you care for a spot of tea before I scalp your lame ass and your entire crew, matey? My, my my. You do appear to be in a bit of sticky wicket now, don't you?
THE PILGRIM IS NERVOUS. THE INDIAN SMILES AND LAUGHS. THE PILGRIM, REALIZING THE INDIAN WAS JOKING, LAUGHS AND MAKES A NOTE TO HIMSELF TO CLEAN THE CRAP HE JUST MADE IN HIS PANTS LATER.
PILGRIM:
Then we moved to Holland, like, 10 years ago.
INDIAN:
Holland seems like a great place. And I love their cheese with the holes in it.
PILGRIM:
That's Switzerland.
INDIAN:
Right. The Bikini Team.
PILGRIM:
That's Sweden. Where all the fish are small and red and chewy.
INDIAN:
Y'know, I always wondered about that. So anyway, why'd you guys leave Holland?
PILGRIM:
We left because we considered the Dutch frivolous and a threat to our children's education and morality.
INDIAN:
Let's try that again. Why'd you leave?
PILGRIM:
The hookers were killing me, dude. Too cheap. Too many. Too good.
INDIAN:
I keep telling the boys that Holland would be a great road trip for us. Do you think the girls over there would take wampum?
PILGRIM:
Yes, I'd be willing to bet they would take a wampum. Right in the ass.
THEY BOTH LAUGH.
INDIAN:
I like you.
PILGRIM:
Thanks.
INDIAN:
Y'know, I haven't killed a white guy in awhile.
THE PILGRIM IS NERVOUS. THE INDIAN SMILES AND LAUGHS. THE PILGRIM, REALIZING THE INDIAN WAS JOKING, LAUGHS AND MAKES A NOTE TO ORDER A COPY OF, "So These Two Palefaces Walk Into A Bar...: Understanding the Dark Humor of Native Americans."
INDIAN:
How long did it take you to get here by boat, anyway?
PILGRIM:
A couple of months maybe? It seemed like forever. You just get tired of looking over the side of the ship and going, "Hey look…nothing!" Or "check this out…water!"
INDIAN:
Did you stop at all?
PILGRIM:
No. My bad. I misread our Triptik from the Vessel Club of America. We started to pull off at exit 114B, but when I saw there was a Hardee's instead of a Burger King, I kept going. I mean, I know you can't really be picky on the road and all, but that Hardee's food's like, for shit, y'know? So we kept going even though the next sign said "Last Rest Stop For 43 Days."
INDIAN:
Man, that musta sucked ass.
PILGRIM:
Sucked ass?
INDIAN:
Sucked ass. It's a classic old Indian saying. Y'know, "Pass the peace pipe." "Let's have a pow-wow." "Man, that musta sucked ass."
PILGRIM:
Trust me. The trip sucked ass. Plus the kids were constantly screaming. "Are we there yet, Dad? I've gotta go, Dad!"
INDIAN:
Why didn't they just pee in the ocean? That's what it's there for.
PILGRIM:
Finally! A human being with some common sense…and he's even got a spear! (HE SHOUTS BACK ANGRILY AT THE SHIP) Do you hear that people?
INDIAN:
Relax, bro. You made it here in one piece.
PILGRIM:
I know, I know. I'll tell you, it's a lot of pressure being in charge of a ship like this. People depending on you. Families relying on your every decision.
INDIAN:
No Dutch hookers.
PILGRIM:
No Dutch hookers.
INDIAN:
Hey, before I forget, I meant to ask…did you guys bring any books?
PILGRIM:
What do you want books for?
INDIAN:
Ah, I'm just sick and tired of looking at drawings scrawled on rocks. And screwing sheep. I just feel like I'm in this cultural abyss right now. I have no opportunities to expand my mind. No chance to grow intellectually. No ability to quench my thirst for knowledge.
PILGRIM:
Well, we don't have many books. But we've got some hot chicks on board.
INDIAN:
Close enough.
PILGRIM:
You'll be happy to know that we picked some of our finest young maidens to come along to "keep a journal" of our trip.
THEY BOTH LAUGH.
INDIAN:
I like you.
PILGRIM:
Enough to let me keep my head?
THE PILGRIM LAUGHS, HOPING THAT THE INDIAN LAUGHS BACK. THE INDIAN STARES.
INDIAN:
So what's the name of your boat?
PILGRIM:
The Mayflower.
INDIAN:
That's kinda girly, don'tcha think?
PILGRIM:
Yeah well, my wife nixed the original name.
INDIAN:
What was it?
PILGRIM:
The Invincible Sea Worthy Inferno From Hell.
INDIAN:
I like it. It has a certain invincible inferno from hell feel to it.
PILGRIM AND INDIAN:
Wives. THEY BOTH SIGH.
PILGRIM:
So, uh, this rock here. What's the deal?
INDIAN:
Big, ain't it?
PILGRIM:
Jesus, it's as big as a goddamn Chrysler.
INDIAN:
Bigger than that. That rock is big as a goddamn Plymouth.
PILGRIM:
You can say that again.
INDIAN:
Bigger than that. That rock is as big as a goddamn Plymouth.
PILGRIM:
So listen, do you think you and your people will mind if we hang out here for awhile?
INDIAN:
What do I care? I mean, I live here, but I don't own the damn place.
PILGRIM:
Who does?
INDIAN:
I think a Jewish guy from Philly.
PILGRIM:
Figures.
INDIAN:
So, would they consider dating a Native American?
PILGRIM:
The Jewish guy in Philly?
INDIAN:
No, the hot young women on your boat.
PILGRIM:
I'm pretty sure they're open to any type of date that doesn't involve a man wearing knickers and high white socks.
INDIAN:
How do you think they'll feel about face paint?
PILGRIM:
It seems a little gay to me, but your call.
INDIAN:
What's gay?
PILGRIM:
Have you ever been out hunting with another Native American and after two or three days, his ass starts to look pretty nice to you?
INDIAN:
One time my buddy Chief Sitting Eugene told me to lean my elbows on a tree stump because he needed to show me something.
PILGRIM:
And?
INDIAN:
Well, I never actually saw what he wanted to show me. But I felt it.
PILGRIM:
That's gay. And whatever happened to Eugene?
INDIAN:
He kinda gave up the whole Chief thing to fulfill his lifelong dream to move to New York and make it as a rain dance choreographer. In fact, I just got a postcard from him and he said that he just sold his first off-Broadway musical, The Indian in the…Other Indian.
PILGRIM:
Too bad he left here. But I think we're gonna like it a lot.
INDIAN:
I should tell you…it is nice. But February sucks.
PILGRIM:
Does she swallow, too?
THEY BOTH LAUGH.
INDIAN:
And so here we are.
PILGRIM:
And so here we are.
LONG, DRAMATIC PAUSE. THEY BOTH AWKWARDLY LOOK AROUND, SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING TO SAY.
INDIAN:
So…you hungry?
PILGRIM:
Starving, actually. Hey, I've got an idea: How about your people get together with <I>my</I> people and we can share a big old meal?
INDIAN:
Great idea. And let's give it a name too, so we won't forget it.
PILGRIM:
OK. How about Bust-A-Gut Thursday?
INDIAN:
How about The National Food-A-Rama?
PILGRIM:
How about The Best Day in the World For Fat Asses Day?
PILGRIM:
How about the Sears Tire and Battery National Symposium on Cognitive Dissonance and Interpersonal Communication?
PAUSE.
INDIAN:
How about we just keep working on it?
PILGRIM:
Or we could just keep working on it.
INDIAN:
This will be great! We'll bring the turkey and the corn!
PILGRIM:
And we'll bring the haggas and cold peas!
LONG, DRAMATIC PAUSE.
PILGRIM:
Or you could just bring the turkey and corn!
INDIAN:
Or we could just bring the turkey and corn!
PILGRIM:
Y'know, I love corn. It helps me poop.
INDIAN:
Dude, corn is like, so our bitch. What kind do you like? We've got corn on the cob. Canned corn. Corn fritters. Sweet corn. Candy corn. Corn bread. Corned beef. Jimmy crack corn.
PILGRIM:
Corn fritters or Jimmy Crack Corn. I don't care.
INDIAN:
That's fine. My master's gone away.
PILGRIM:
Hey, I've got another idea. Maybe when we're done with our meal, we'll let you ravage our women while we let the little Indian maidens see our tee-pees.
THEY BOTH LAUGH.
INDIAN:
I like you.
PILGRIM:
I like you, too.
INDIAN:
Wanna go out into the woods and put your elbows on a tree stump? There's something I've gotta show you.
PILGRIM:
I'm just not really into that sort of thing. I mean, thanks, but it's not something that'd I'd be interested in, actually.
INDIAN:
Have I shown you my scalped head collection?
PILGRIM:
Or, y'know, I could just lean up against this rock.
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