Oh, now I get it
09/07/2001
Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
Every once in a while, we all have to do it.
You never like it. But going through it is kinda like surviving a tour of duty in 'Nam.
Y'know what I'm talking about, man?
It's a frightening experience of epic proportions. Painful. Tortuous. Sadistic. Yet somehow, someway, if you're lucky, you might be able to make it through unscathed.
Of course, even if you do make it through it unscathed, no one ever comes out of it totally unscathed.
We all just try to do the best we can.
Y'know what I'm talking about, man?
I did mine last week. Hopefully, there won't be another one for a long, long time.
The thing about it is that it takes such a remarkable toll on your body.
If you don't have time to recover, it just makes the next one that much more painful.
When you're in the middle of it, all you can think about is trying to get out. And how you can stop another from happening.
Yet, the suffering lingers. Like a fungus-infested open wound soaked in kosher pickle rhine…the suffering always lingers.
Try as you might, sometimes there's just no way to escape this horrific event.
Even worse, you've gotta wear a tie.
Y'know what I'm talking about, man?
The business meeting.
The sheer mention of those words in consecutive order sends shivers through my osteoporosis-filled bones.
The business meeting.
A chance for men and women to dress up, gather together, and talk.
About one thing. Everything. And more often than not, nothing.
The business meeting.
A chance for little kids to try and act like the grown-ups they thought they wanted to be. But now that they've grown up and realized that this really isn't the grown up they wanted to be but that it's too late to be any other type of grown up, they have to make everyone else's life as miserable as their life is, because if they can't be the grown up they wanted to be, they're going to make the other grown ups wish that they didn't want to be the grown ups they grew up to be, either.
The business meeting.
Actually, as I sat among 20 others last week in my very important business meeting, I made a remarkable discovery.
I suddenly realized why this country is in the recession we're in.
Why we're in the terrible straits we're in.
And why the economy is in the pooper.
It's because nobody speaks English anymore.
Nobody.
I mean, I sat in a meeting for five hours last week and I had absolutely no idea what anyone was saying to anyone else at any given time.
Granted, part of that lack of understanding is due to my blessed gift of stupidity. But I'm assuming we're taking that as a given and moving on from there.
But the truth is, I couldn't comprehend one phrase…one utterance…one anything that was said at this meeting.
Well, technically that's not true. I actually understood two things:
1. "Hey, let's break for lunch."
2. "The bathroom is the second door on the right."
In lieu of my ability to understand, I decided to take notes.
For five hours, I wrote down everything and anything people said.
Finally, when the meeting was over, I shook hands with everyone else in the room. I said things like, "Nice to meet you." Even though I didn't know who they were.
I said, "Great meeting." Even though I had no idea what just happened.
And I said, "I'm looking forward to developing a strategic business solution for your company."
The reason I said that was because it was one of the things I had written down that somebody else said, and when that other person said it, everyone nodded their head and really seemed to like it.
When everybody left, I went down to my area of the office to see if my co-worker Tom was around to help me understand what I just didn't understand.
I knew that if there was anyone on earth who could help me, it was Tom.
Tom's been in a lot of meetings in his life. Tom knows business.
"I know business," says Tom.
If you remember, Tom once helped me understand the male fascination with lesbianism.
Today, Tom was going to help me with something equally puzzling.
The language of business.
I sat down, and I told Tom what I had written. Tom graciously offered to translate.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
Our company offers a variety of peripheral products and a multitude of bundled services.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
They do a lot of shit.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
This is a highly charged emotional time at our company.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
Everybody's getting on everybody else's nerves.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We experienced tremendous growth in the early1990s.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
They totally suck ass right now.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We believe we have to re-invent ourselves.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
They totally suck ass right now.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We've decided to expand our horizontal markets.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
They totally suck ass right now.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We're global.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
They all have passports.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
Volume sales are critical to our success.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
They need to sell a lot of shit. Fast.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We have an extensive outsourcing program.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
They hire other people do the shit they don't know how to do but pretend that they do.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
Our value statement is that we're with you every step of the way.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
Nobody kisses ass better.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We plan to have an interface soon.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
Next week they're going to talk about shit.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
It's a competitive marketplace out there.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
A lot of companies do the same thing they do. The bastards.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
The key to success is managing relationships with our customers.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
They get their customers drunk and take them to strip clubs.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We have a low turnover rate.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
Nobody's hiring.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We need to improve our methodology.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
The way they work sucks.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We have a strong internal focus.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
The CEO's got a kick-ass summer cottage.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We've exploded the myth that the best service costs you more.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
They're pissed that they don't charge more.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We have a unique corporate culture.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
The mailroom guy's got an earring.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We're involved with a network of affiliated companies.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
If they can't do something, they know someone who can…and they'll charge your ass double!
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
It's a migratory path to divest our products.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
I have no freaking idea what that means.
WHAT I HAD WRITTEN:
We believe in vertical integration of the service process.
TOM'S TRANSLATION:
Bring it on, baby. Right up the ass! We're ready to take it!"
After an hour of this eye-opening language lesson, I had to walk away.
I found myself overwhelmed with the massive quantity of information I had just taken in.
I also found myself with a newfound appreciation for the subtle mastery of the spoken word.
Why, with just a few tweaks, I was amazed to discover that you can go from calling someone a "Dumbass" to referring to them simply as an "Outstanding representative of the cranially-challenged membership of the workforce."
You can go from telling someone to "Drop dead, dickhead" to reminding the person that "A negative response mechanism is sometimes necessary in a structured environment."
And you can go from commenting that "She's got a nice ass" to "I'd like to positively reinforce the end results of the manufactured item."
At any rate, I sincerely hope that you've enjoyed our time today. After all, I do believe in a vertical integration of the service process.
Am I bent over far enough for you?
ADVERTISE WITH US! If you're trying to reach men in their 20s and 30s, or you're trying to reach male readers who have a great sense of humor, Bullz-Eye.com's Humor Channel can be an excellent resource. We offer text link ads and banners of all sizes. Our traffic has grown to more than 60 million page views and 4.5 million unique visitors per month! Contact us and we'll help you meet your advertising needs.
|