I've got mail

I've got mail

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This is an exciting day for me. 

Somebody actually read my column.

I mean, I guess you can only look at the Bullz-Eye girls for so long until eventually, you have to go somewhere else in the site. 

At least hypothetically you do. 

Anyway, about two weeks ago, I wrote a silly little piece about being a woman ("Me. The Chick"). Apparently, my remarkable command of the English language touched a young lady so personally that she felt the need to tell me exactly how she felt.

This is so wonderful.

No longer will I have to sit by my keyboard every week wondering if I'm touching lives. Because I am touching lives.

OK. Life.

No longer will I have to click on my column 173 times a week so the Bullz-Eye guys think people are actually reading me. Because people really are reading me.

OK. Person.

Ma'am, without your permission, I'd like to let everyone read your kind words. You've made me feel wanted. Special. And socially relevant.

Not only that, but you got me out of having to write anything.


Dear Mr. Strauss: 

I read your column recently posted at Bullz-Eye.com ("Me. The Chick."- 2/19/01) and while your prose may bring a chuckle from your male counterparts, I feel that your generalizations do not accurately represent the new generation of women who are evolving at this recent turn of the century. 

While I appreciate that the intent of your column was to entertain men on a site "created for guys, by guys," I feel an obligation to respond on behalf of a growing legion of chicks who do NOT fit the stereotypes you portray in your article. The purpose of this correspondence is not to point out errors or fault, but only to educate and inform you, as a representative of men the world over, that, mister…times, they are a-changin'.

It could be that we felt the pain of our "sistas" during the 80s and 90s as more women entered the workforce and were forced to juggle career/family/self, and thus, we instinctively began to adapt. Hats off to them for showing us the way. And without abandoning my female identity, could it be that we are beginning to think more like guys? It's survival of the fittest, my friend, and if that means that a new breed of whoa-man is emerging from the womb of womanhood, maybe you guys need to update your repertoire and chew on this….

                            The New Breed of Millennium-Babes
                                          Rules to Live By

* We Are Not Threatened by Tits-n-Ass: Don't feel bad about liking T-n-A; we like it too. Maybe your mother caught you reading
Playboy when you were little and you're still feeling guilty about it, or maybe your wife scorns you for cruising the net for porn. But guess what…we'd rather look at pix of naked women than naked men any day too. And we do.

* We Suck at Cooking, And We Don't Care: Our sig-others do the laundry, we install the dimmer switches, he cleans out the microwave, we build the shelves in the front closet, he irons, we put the furniture together that we get from IKEA. When we move in together, we come prepared with a toolbox full of tools, and he comes with a box of thumbtacks.

* We Appreciate Lesbians: Yes, we like penises too, but c'mon, EVERYONE knows that a woman's body is, well, much more luscious than a man's. This includes, but is not limited to, her soft, milky-white succulent breasts. And if we haven't experienced lesbianism yet, we certainly spend a lot of time fantasizing about it.

* Our Minds Wander During Long, Hard, Sweaty, Boring Meetings: Don't think we don't notice that our new client is hot, or that the new guy in the office is a turn-on. We can forgive a sexy co-worker for being an asshole and look forward to a business trip with the young stud more than we look forward to one with the pasty, over-the-hill VeeP'er. And sometimes during those long, hard, sweaty meetings, we might imagine what is tucked inside those pants, and wonder if his tight little ass looks better in briefs, in boxers, or just buck-naked.

* We Do, And Always Will, Complain About Our Periods: Have you ever felt like your vagina was going to convulse and drop out through your crotch? That's what menstrual cramps feel like. Any questions?

* We Like Going to Strip Clubs: It's a form of entertainment. And we believe that the women who do it, strip because they like it, they like the way they feel whey they do it, and they like the way they make other people feel when they do it. I'd rather spend any day at a titty-bar than at a male strip-joint (see "We Appreciate Lesbians" above.)

* We Love Shoes: So what?

* We Love Sex: We want sex, we like sex, and sometimes, we just HAVE to have sex. We want to feel dirty, we want to feel sexy. If a woman doesn't, then she's been reading too much Martha Stewart. (See "We Abhor Martha Stewart" below.)

* We Abhor Martha Stewart: Martha Stewart just makes us look bad.

* We Abhor the Lifetime Channel: Just because.

* We Abhor Oprah Winfrey: (See "We Abhor the Lifetime Channel" above.)

* We Enjoy The Ladies Locker Room: The ladies locker room is everything "Porky's" portrayed it to be, and then some. Yes, we believe that it is better than the men's locker room. We have it pretty good and we do appreciate it. The breasts, and bras and naked-ness that we see day-in and day-out is a beautiful thing. Rumor has it that the men's locker room is smelly, and filled with lots of hairy ball-sacks and wrinkled dongs…. Who wants that?

* We Believe There Is More To Life Than Gossip: We are certainly not women's-libbers, but c'mon, can't you go for a jog, wash your car, give your husband a blow-job, take the dog for a walk…. Be productive for god's sake!

So, no need to make amends, my friend, and please don't change your priorities…we like you the way you are. Women who complain about their husbands, boyfriends and whatevers, haven't yet faced the fact that trying to change their man will only lead to a lifetime of unhappiness. Society is only as male-dominated as you believe it to be. Our heart-felt message to our girls out there who haven't yet rek-a-nized: "Take charge of your life, woman, and change

Also, don't get rid of your testicles; they are kind of, necessary, for certain things, y'know. And even though they are not your finest attribute and remind us of over-ripe kiwi-fruit most of the time, they can sometimes be kind of cute.

On behalf of other Millennium-Babes, we want to thank you for attempting to look at life from a different p.o.v. And now that you have been brought up-to-speed, maybe you, on behalf of men the world over, will take note and begin to see it from our p.o.v.

Best Regards,
Fierce Ruling Millennium-Babe

P.S. By the way, Elizabeth Hurley's breasts are much nicer than her ass.


Dear FRMB:

You sound hot. 

And I love the fact that you've spent time thinking about which is better: Elizabeth Hurley's breasts or ass.

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