Me. The chick
The other day, after a heated discussion about the lack of even more cheerleader coverage during XFL games, a woman at our office said to no one in particular but to all men in general, "Why is it that all you guys care about is tits and ass?"
Well, we all looked at each other, and while we each instinctively knew the answer, only one member of the clan actually had the verbal skills necessary to respond intelligently: "That's not true," he said. "We care about vaginas, too."
A little later, I was thinking about what she said and y'know what? I almost felt badly. Almost. Because she's right. That is all we care about.
Gentlemen, raise your hand if you haven't had the following conversation in the last six months, or something remarkably close to it:
GUY 1: Hey, how'd the meeting go?
GUY 2: Horrible. That new client is a total bitch.
GUY 1: Sorry, man. Is she cute though?
GUY 2: Box-ola.
Christ, I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I need to dig more deeply into my own physical and emotional insecurities. Maybe I need to take a long, hard look in the mirror, rethink my priorities and figure out what really should be important to me.
And so, to make amends for being a man and all of the peripheral things associated with being a man, I've decided I'm going to spend the next few hours as a woman. Not in body, mind you, because I kinda like having testicles. Rather, I'm going to be a woman in spirit. Who knows? If I see life from their point of view, maybe, just maybe I'll gain a greater appreciation, understanding and respect for those of the opposite sex.
Above and beyond their remarkably soft, milky white, succulent breasts.
So yes, starting right now, I am a woman. Well actually, I'll be a woman in a minute. First, I've got to go to the ladies room. Who wants to come with me?
Oh my God, I am so bloated from my period.
OK, let's go. Wait hang on, the phone's ringing. Let me just get it real fast. I promise it won't take long. Oh, hi Cath. How are you? How was the dinner last night? You're kidding. She wore what? I'm sure she got in on sale. Trust me, she doesn't buy anything unless it's on sale. Uh huh. I know, I know. She swears she's a size 10. If she's a 10, I'm a 2. Oops, I've gotta go. I'll call you later. So how was the food? You're kidding. She knows you're allergic to shellfish. How rude is that? I heard she served meatloaf to the Fiorucci's last week. And he's a vegetarian. And it was bad, too? That's not surprising. She barely knows how to boil water. Well, I'll call you later.
Hey before we go, let me ask your opinion. Do you like this black dress better or my blue dress? The black? What's wrong with the blue one? Do you think it makes me look fat? It makes my ass look fat doesn't it? Oh my God, you think I'm fat. Listen jerk, I know I'm fat but I don't need you to tell me I'm fat. I can see the way you're looking at me. You think I'm fat. Y'know, you're no prize either. CRYING GOES HERE. I'm sorry. It's just the winter and the holidays and the kids and I haven't had time to focus on myself. Starting Monday, I swear I'm going to get serious. Nothing but Slim-Fast and Lean Cuisines. Hey, which shoes do you like better?
11:35 AM-1:15 PM
OH MY GOD! THIS DAMN PERIOD! AAAAAAAARGGGGGHHHH! REDRUM! REDRUM! DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME! I'LL RIP YOUR GODDAMN BALLS OFF!
2:00 PM-5:30 PM
Hey, look. Stores.
What would you like for dinner darling? Really? I was thinking we could go out.
What? Oh sure honey, we can have sex before we leave.
Yeah, baby. That's it. Yeah. That feels sooooooo good. Uh huh. Mmmmmm. Just like that. Yes…YES…YE…. What? Tell me you're kidding. You're done? You're done.... Whatever. My turn. Hey what's with this rolling over crap? MY TURN!
Y'know sweetheart, I've never had this done to me before, but I have reason to believe that you have absolutely no idea what you're doing.
Hey, I wonder what's on Lifetime?
I love this new Oprah magazine!
Do you think I'm fat? Be honest....
OK, I'm back. I mean, I'm back back. Back to being me.
Yes, it was a difficult ordeal. But I survived. And I can now say with confidence that I have a much better understanding and appreciation of women as a whole.
For anything I've ever said, done or thought about women in the past, I apologize. From this day forward, I'll think only about the countless obstacles women have to overcome every single day. I'll think about how difficult is it for women to find their way in this male-dominated society.
And I'll think about the remarkable achievements so many women have accomplished not with their looks, but by using their intellect and diverse skills.
But to tell you the truth, all I'm thinking about right now is Elizabeth Hurley's ass.