Rock and roll. The very term is a euphemism for
sex. It's the hormones that drive those crazy kids
to dance the way they do when they're listening to
that rock and roll. Oh, that debbil music was almost
tamed when the likes of Frankie Avalon and Fabian
came on the scene, but then it rose up once again
to claim every nearby groin within earshot. So screw
the love songs. We all know that those are merely
just sweetened odes penned to get into the pants
even faster. Cut to the chase and let's get it on,
as it were. Here are 15 tracks to let your inner
freak get its freak on, thereby allowing you to get
yours. Dig it.
"Kickin'," Whale (We Care)
Whale was a wonderful band. We Care was a wonderful, nutty album. It had its fair share of perverse tracks on it, but this opening cut with acoustic guitars and a loose feel kicks things off perfectly with the lines "I wanna give birth to your baby, baby / Scream out your name." One of these days some guy is going to be a grandfather and claim this as his favorite song of all time. Beautiful.
"Boogie on Reggae Woman," Stevie Wonder
(Fullfillingness' First Finale)
Back in the day, Stevie knew how to write a good, dirty song. He wants to do it to the reggae woman till she hollers for more and even tells her that he wants to see her in the raw. Hot damn, all that set to one of the funkiest bass lines ever. So what the hell happened between this and "Part Time Lover?"
"Only the Good Die Young," Billy Joel (The
Funny, but every Catholic girl I ever personally knew had no qualms about hitting the sack at all. That's another story, though. In this classic tune, poor Billy Joel pleads with Virginia to give up the rosary beads and give it up for him, much to no avail. When the song was originally released, it caused a mild uproar. My, how "graphic" lyrics have changed since then.
"Sweet Head," David Bowie (Ziggy Stardust
David Bowie brought decadent sex to the masses in the early ‘70s. In the press he said he was bisexual and his androgynous Ziggy Stardust character made the parents worry for their kids. In this little number, Bowie as Ziggy promises to give you sweet head with his guitar and his soprano. All this around the same time he was kneeling in front of Mick Ronson on stage, flicking his tongue out at Ronno's crotch at the time. Ah, the good old days.
"Tutti Frutti," Little Richard (The
Before Elvis came along and fucked it all up with his sped up, hick version of the song, Little Richard laid down the sex right and rhythmically on the original "Tutti Frutti." We still don't know what Sue does explicitly, but it sounds like fun, and Daisy can still rock it to the east and west, which is pretty damn hot. Richard knew how to make it last. Elvis just rushed through the damn thing because he didn't know what to do with it.
"Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" the Beatles
Apparently, Paul McCartney wrote this song whilst in India after observing a couple of monkeys getting it on in the middle of the road. It's a song that seems more like something Lennon would have written, but here Paul handles the topic with tenderness and affection. "No one will be watching us," he shouts, trying to convince some poor girl to get it on with him. As the song goes on, Paul sounds like he's about to hurt someone if he doesn't get laid in the street. Sex can do crazy things to a guy.
"Mystery Dance," Elvis Costello (My
Aim is True)
On the other hand, you have Elvis trying to figure out just how to have sex and not look like an entire klutz. Yeah, we've all been there. "I can't do it anymore and I'm not satisfied," Elvis tells us. I always did say the female anatomy should come with a handy map and user's manual.
"Shake, Rattle and Roll," Bill Haley and
His Comets (Rock Around the Clock)
FYI, as an aside, everyone should own this album just because it's one of the tightest, shiniest things to ever come out of ‘50s-era rock and roll. A joy to hear. This song was originally a bit dirtier, so Bill cleaned it up just enough but left all the good euphemisms intact, such as "I'm like a one-eyed cat peepin' through a seafood store." Awww yeah. That about says it all, really.
"Let's Spend the Night Together," The Rolling
Between the Buttons[US version])
While the Stones were still trying to mimic the Beatles here and there, they were issuing great singles, like this one, that the Fab Four would never dare to cut. As the song chugs along, Jagger and company cook it up into one frothy mix, about to spill all over that sexy dress at any moment. Oh, my. You've never heard a guy simultaneous demand and beg for sex as perfectly in a song since.
"Good Girls Don't," the Knack (Get the
The Knack were a fun band and had a ton of groovy songs on their first album. This classic perfectly paints the picture of a teenage kid wanting nothing more than to experience the thrills of the not-so-nice girl next door. Plus it has that whole "sittin' on your face" part (compounded with an "It hurts!" cry by Doug Fieger) that still works like a charm. And let's not forget that the Chipmunks covered this tune on their classic Chipmunk Punk LP.
"He's My Best Friend," Jellyfish (Spilt
If you're going to have a song about masturbation, you might as well have a whimsical one. "My hand's a five-leaf clover / It's Palm Sunday over and over." True that. Is it ever not Palm Sunday? Just askin' is all.
"Tell Me Something Good," Rufus
featuring Chaka Khan (Rags
Back in the day, Stevie Wonder could write a great dirty song. Wait, didn't we do this already? Ah, no. It's just the fine "Tell Me Something Good," as seductively performed by Chaka Khan and Rufus. It would be a nightmare to hear Celine Dion ever cover this one. But Chaka…oh, Chaka. You do indeed make me wish there was 28 hours to each day. And I haven't been loved like I should, so you know where to find me.
"Soft and Wet," Prince (For You)
Prince didn't gradually inject sexual lyrics in his tunes. They were right there from the start. Did he ever do a better dirty song than this one? Great bass line, great synth break, and would this thing ever get played on the radio these days if it was brand new? Things don't always change for the better, kids. But Prince always knew just how far to push it. Of course, he also wrote "Scarlet Pussy."
"Raped and Freezin'," Alice Cooper (Billion
Alice has always had a great knack for writing little pop gems that just get stuck in your head for days. Granted, they're always perverse, but they're gems nonetheless. In this little number, poor Alice gets picked up by some crazy ol' mama while out hitchhiking in Mexico. She proceeds to defile him and he escapes out the back of her van without his clothes. Alice did it all, man. Don't ever forget it.
"No Sex," Alex Chilton (19 Years: A
Written and recorded shortly after AIDS first became big news. Of course, Chilton handles the whole thing with much aplomb, tossing off the lines "Can't get it on, or even get high / Come on baby, fuck me and die." And really, that's a great place to end this whole sexual escapade we've been on together. I'll call you, baby.