“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
Good ideas are apparently few and far between when it comes to director Uwe Boll. The man is (in)famous for taking favorite video games and bringing them to the silver screen while always completely destroying them along the way. I had always wanted to see one of Boll’s flicks without having to actually pay anything for it, so when the opportunity arose to review this director’s cut of “BloodRayne 2,” I jumped at the chance. Is Boll really as bad as everyone claimed? Of course he is, but then again I was really hoping for a “so bad it’s good” experience. Besides, it’s a movie about a vampire killer in the wild west. That had to promise lots of action if nothing else, right? Wrong.
In “BloodRayne 2,” Natassia Malthe stars as Rayne, a vampire hunter whose mother was raped by a vampire, of which she was the end result. Of course this hybrid made her good, not evil, though she does have some vampiric qualities, such as being able to drink blood to heal herself faster and sporting a mean set of canines. It’s a familiar cliché that’s been played out in other vampire tales too many times. At any rate, the movie is set in the days of the Wild West in the town of Deliverance. Railroad tracks are being laid throughout the city to help bring more commerce into the sleepy town. Newton Pyles (Chris Coppola), a newspaper reporter from Chicago, is there to cover the story. Yet all he really wants to see is the wild side of the Wild West.
Enter Billy the Kid (Zack Ward). For some reason, Billy is now a vampire with a full-on Transylvanian accent. He quickly starts terrorizing the town by taking the citizens’ children hostage with his gang of six-shootin’ vampire thugs. He also takes over the town. His plan: to hole up in Deliverance until the railroad line is built at which point he and his crew will turn all visitors into vampires. Are you still with me? Yeah, it’s pretty stupid and convoluted. Anyway, our hero, Rayne, has been out and about traveling and returns to Deliverance to find all hell has broken loose, so of course it’s up to her to save the town and its children.
“Suck lead.”
Boy, does this movie truly suck. Remember what I said about it being potentially good enough with promised action? Ha! The pacing is so damn slow, and the acting just barely B-grade, that restlessness sets in within the first 30 minutes. Rayne’s got these two badass vampire killing blade-type weapons strapped to her back, yet she rarely uses them. Zack Ward, on the other hand, delivers one of the dopiest performances of a vampire ever seen. It’s as if he watched a bunch of Count Chocula commercials and based his style on that. The guy exudes zero charisma and would be more believable on some local public access channel than any movie.
And poor Michael Paré. You remember him, right? He played Tony Villicana in “The Greatest American Hero” and then had big time success in “Eddie and the Cruisers” and “Streets of Fire.” Here he plays Pat Garrett, and the guy is barely recognizable. Pat helps out Rayne with his shotgun and bullets rubbed with garlic. Did I really just type that last sentence? Man, this movie really does suck.
“Are ya still gonna fuck me?”
The only saving grace of “BloodRayne 2” – and it’s not much of one – is Natassia Malthe as Rayne. She’s easy on the eyes, and her nice little leather western outfits show off her lovely midriff. But she’s basically only there as eye candy. She’s not an action hero, and she’s not really leading lady material. She just has to pout, say her lines, suck on a toothpick, kick an occasional butt, and look good. She does the latter just fine. The rest – well, let’s just say that with time she could possibly be good enough to get out of this Uwe Boll hell and make some decent stuff. But sometimes you do what ya gotta do. And sometimes that means playing the kickass prick tease.
Suffice it to say “BloodRayne 2” is barely hanging by a thread, but that hasn’t stopped Uwe Boll from making bad movies. His next video game-to-movie project, “Postal” is the DVD’s preview. It looks bad as well. For some reason, though, Boll manages to keep cranking out these movies and fucking over his audiences with much aplomb. You’d think after a while people would just stop watching, but I suppose as long as there are people (like me) who want to get a glimpse of the Uwe Boll freakshow that never have, he’ll have an audience. Count me out on the next one, though.
This “director’s cut” features 10 extra minutes of footage, though what that includes, I couldn’t say. Perhaps it’s the scenes of Billy the Kid gnawing on a couple of poor kids’ necks and draining their life. They were the lucky ones. Actually, those scenes are rather hilarious, as the kids instantly turn dead grey after he’s done. And it’s not a special effect technique employed here, either. In one shot they’re all healthy and then in the next, Zack Ward moves away from them after feasting and they’re completely covered in hilariously bad grey makeup. Way to go, Uwe!
A second disc is included which is the original “BloodRayne” PC game. Something tells me this is the best part of the package, though I’ve yet to try it out. On the movie disc, there is also the first “BloodRayne” comic book in digital form, some deleted scenes, a director’s commentary, and plenty of other crap that you won’t want to sit through, if you even make it through the movie. I had to because I had to write it up. You, on the other hand, can spare yourself and your good money by not seeing it at all.
If there’s one thing I came away with from “BloodRayne 2,” it’s this closing nugget of wisdom that Pat Garrett shares with Newton Pyles:
“Life is like a penis. When it’s hard you get screwed. When it’s soft, you can’t beat it.”
Man, this movie really sucked.
1/5 Stars
Starring: Natassia Malthe, Zack Ward, Michael Paré, Chris Coppola
Director: Uwe Boll
Reviewed by Jason Thompson
